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im a bit mixed up today. yesterday my a told me he is going to a treatment center and definatly needs help this time. we have the papers and have started filling them out. one problem....... the soonest he can get in is may 1st. so until then........ i dont know. he even said he doesnt know if he can stay sober till then he needs help now. the aa/ca meetings dont work for him, he has been to so many. so he called the addictions counsellor and has an appointment for tomorrow to get into a day program that he goes to everyday until treatment can begin. he is staying with me to get through this time. i know i cant stop him from using but at his moms is a very dangerous place. he is bombed on pills all the time and smokes pot all day and allows him to use coke/meth and drink there. his friends show up there and literally wait for him to stop by at his mothers so they can get him to use with them. my a is the one who buys all the time so these friends will go to any lengths to get him over there. its almost like once he is over there there is no hope. he is basically less likely to slip when he is here. no one phones here or shows up here and know its my property and they cant harass me or i will get the police involved. i set the boundary that im here with this place to stay only for recovery this one time. if he chooses to back out of treatment he will have to leave here and me alone. i will no longer be a place for him to go everytime he chooses to get sober. this is the one final time no exceptions. so so far his feel are moving. he made his appointments. i will not get too much hope though and i feel im fully prepared to let go if a slip occurs at this time. im praying that he will make it until may and that he gets into the center. but that is all i can do is pray. this is out of my hands. im giving him a safe place to sleep but will not tolerate any more sh#t. i need input on this. am i doing the right thing by allowing him to stay here? i know he will use if he wants but being here reduces the pressure from others at least. there are no triggers here as he never drank or used here. i need your prayers that i will be able to let go of the outcome of this. i need prayers to accept whatever happens and detach. send all of your words of wisdom to me please. and yes there is no where else for him to go. his father is an alcoholic/drug user as are every friend he knows. this whole situation is incredibly messed up. thank you to those who reply.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
May 1 is just a point in time..... I don't see why him staying with you now is any different than before..... If it were me, I'd offer him the place to stay, with the boundary that he does NOT use while he is at your house. If he screws it up, he would have to leave... If the deal is that he can stay there AND use, my experience says he won't go anywhere on May 1....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
notsonew, Thank you for being here. Above all, take care of yourself right now. You also have a disease, and you need to take very special care of yourself. When you do that - go to meetings, work the steps, make phone calls, pray to your HP - then you are more able to know what your own boundaries are and how you feel having him with you - or not. I will be praying for you and for all of us in recovery. Blessings, mebjk
tom..... i think you may have misunderstood what i typed. he has never used here and never will. i have never allowed that in my home. i just meant if he makes the decision to use again he will be gone. but it wont be in my home. sorry for the misunderstanding
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
What I would focus on, if possible, is not whether it is better for HIM to be at your house, but how it is for you. Do you like having him there, how does he behave towards you, is it stressful for you to have him there, or is it nice?
It really is OK, in fact more than OK, to take action according to what is best for you, and to let him look out for himself. I know this goes against everything we are raised ot believe that a good person does, but the reality is that an A will take advantage of your giving nature, and will not reciprocate your caring for him, by caring for you. Therefore, you need to put your own needs and desires first - Lord knows the A won't.
Our part of the insanity is doing the same thing over and over again hoping this time the outcome will be different. and then we wonder why? Not to drink or use is a choice the A has to make on a daily basis. Blaming someone else or a diff location for his slips is not allowing him to grow up and accept that he has a problem. there are alot of AA meetings before now and may - "they don't work for him" because he isn't willing to do what he has to do yet. Not drink and get honest is not easy we all know that - thousands have done it with out treatment centres. Remember the disease knows what we want to hear and it will do and say anything to get the attention off them .
Keep your boundaries firm and you will be ok . Lower your expectaions and detach with love .
My prayers are on the way for you and your situation. You have some great suggestions above. Your post did hit a memory in me. Before my daughter got involved in drugs her then boyfriend would come to her so she could help him not use. She told me this not too long ago even though this happened almost 5 years ago. She was his person that stopped him. Well she finally just gave in and joined in :( She doesn't blame him, but I do! I am not saying you will use, I am just saying that addicts are addicts and life is not so simple when they are living with us. My daughter also didn't get long term recovery until she started taking her AA and NA meetings and a sponsor seriously to her recovery. She went to 2 different treatment programs until then. She had to get rid of the old friends and find new ones too. This is just my experience and she does allow me to share about her life if it will help anyone. Take care of you and focus on you! your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxoxoxoxox (((((nsn))))
I can understand your situation so well. My A also has a gamily and friends that actually encourage him to use fully knowing his disease. I have fully come to believe over the years that they decided very young in his life that he would accomplish nothing and live in alcoholism/addiction ... I don't know why, it gives them something to talk about, makes then feel better about thier lives, continues a family tradition? Who knows, i no longer really care but it can still be frustrating at times.
IMHO ... helping a friend in a hard place can be a wonderful thing, it can also be buckling up for another rollercoaster ride. We all know that there are storis of recovery even while still living among bad situations if the program is worked at, and stories of the relapsing in the ultimate enviroment. That is his business.
I agree with lin0606's post, try to keep the focus on what is best for you. That is truly the most important thing in the world.
