The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I'm new to all this. Very new. But at a meeting last night a lady did her share. Then the next lady took a turn - and spent it telling the last lady what she should do about her situation and how she should feel. I mean, it was good and kind advice, but it bothered me because I thought we weren't supposed to do that. It seems like if people keep doing that, people might be reluctant to share for worries if people telling them what to do, judging how they handled their situation. Here's my conundrum, how do I tell people to stop telling people what to do? What an irony! Part of me says stay out of it and don't control others. Another part of me wants to stop the cross talk. Advice?
You can ask for a GROUP BUSINESS MEETINGS TO DISCUSS CROSS TALK .At the meeting you can present your case and others will do likewise.
If your group decides that there is "no cross talk permitted" then this should be announced at the statr of the meeting with an explanation of what represents "cross talk" and then it is the Chairpersons responsibility to enforce this principle.
Hey Mom - in our area, there are meetings that allow it and others that do not. I prefer the latter so I attend meetings where I am most comfortable. When I was new, I did try out a few different meetings until I found one that felt 'right' for me. I will admit that if I need a meeting, I will go any where - I will not sit/wait for my group's meeting. When I've been in crisis, all meetings were exactly what I needed when I needed it!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Mom...interesting question that I have struggled with at times; hotrod and IAH offered some good perspective, I'll throw in a couple of sides that I've pondered.
Especially before AlAnon, I tended to be a rule enforcer, do it right or don't do it at all, gotta do things 'right' kind of guy. I had low tolerance for rule deviation and was not shy about letting someone know about it. AlAnon helped me see very quickly how toxic I was to myself and those around me with this attitude, and I began working on it right away.
I found it very difficult early on, however, sitting through some meetings without nearly losing my mind. Despite notice to limit share time, stay on topic, etc, there would inevitably be some who blew through those like yellow lights. Green lights even...I would lose focus on the meeting, glare at the clock, then the floor, the clock, then the floor, seething.
Then I had a realization: I was letting the actions of another, who seemed oblivious, take away my peace...I was giving it away, when I needed it desperately for myself. These pages were a big help for me in this area: C2C p. 185, 215, ODAT 273. I was able to cool my jets, stay in the moment, and just listen, not take it as a personal affront, and keep my peace. In this way, I could always come away from a meeting with something positive, and not let myself become angry at what went on or was said. It was a huge victory for me to be able to truly let things go.
That having been said, I find the issue of extreme crosstalk a challenging one, one that I have dealt with in different ways for different reasons at different places in my recovery. Once I heard the definition of crosstalk and why it was discouraged, I was grateful because that was an area I needed much practice on. To listen to others without comment after, or critique, advice, or even specific acknowledgement was extremely helpful modeling to observe and practice. It enabled me to get into that same mode with my qualifier or others, something I had long struggled with.
After I had time in the program to work on my attitude at meetings, I moved to a new metro area with an array of meeting choices. I began trying meetings out, looking for a home group. I did walk out of two meetings during my search for what I would describe as extreme crosstalk and failure to support and practice AlAnon principles.
Factors that influenced my decision: They were established meetings, I was newcomer and first timer; I was the only one with AlAnon books, one member had a non conference book they shared from; this was not simply a case of an aberration, it was quite clear that this was their standard format. I didn't leave in anger, I simply realized that whatever they were doing seemed to be ok for them, but it was not what I was looking for.
In the past I would have taken it on and 'straightened them out'. At the time I felt it was healthier for me simply to seek a strong, healthy group who worked the program. I need positive modeling, not temptation to control and 'fix'. I have a program friend, however, who attended a meeting with crosstalk, went to the business meeting, brought it up, the group addressed it, made adjustments, and everyone benefitted.
I agree with IAH and the suggestion heard at many meetings: attend several different meetings (if available in your area) because each can vary. Especially as it's a new concept, it can take a bit to find one you are comfortable with. I have found there are lessons and benefits to be had at just about any meeting. Early on for me, the things that got under my skin were the very things that I needed practice with, like tolerance for others.
What I shared were just my experiences, I am sure you will figure out what is best for you. Give another meeting a try, let us know how it goes
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you everyone. Very good advice all. It doesn't angry me, but bothers me because I think it might hinder some from sharing our feel like they may be judged. I do like the pure format. I've only been twice, and people only cross talk a little bit, but enough. And some double and triple dip a great deal, lol. I have been to 4 meetings in 4 days. Two Al-anon and two open AA. I like how they run the AA meetings better, lol. But the info in the Al-anon is what I need more. I think I'll let it go in meetings, but if it bothers me enough, I'll go to a business meeting. So far, I don't really talk. I said a short thing once (related a study I'd heard about to that days reading. But nothing personal. I realized no one has asked me any questions. They just let me come, sit, listen and leave. Having been to two Al-anon and two open AA, and not said a word - it says a lot that they just let me be.
