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Im in a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic who has been in active recovery over the past 2 years (has a sponsor, 5-6 meetings a week). He has had several relapses. What should I do if I see subtle signs (speech pattern and personality changes) that indicate to me, he may have been drinking? What if I ask him and he denies it? Appreciate anyone's insights.
Welcome Westport, alcoholism is a progressive, chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless. AA is a recovery program for people drink alcoholically and Al-Anon is a recovery program set up for family members.
We who live with the disease or have lived with the disease develop many negative coping tools to deal with the insanity so that we require a program of recovery of our own. Most importantly, we have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves, live one day at a time, and to respond to situations and stop reacting, These simple tools help us to regain our self-esteem and self-worth which is so important to living life to the fullest.
You ask whether you should say something if you notice that your partner may have been drinking- since we are powerless over people places and things, it would be important to examine your motives as to what you hope to accomplish with this confrontation.
Welcome to MIP Westport - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. Before Al-Anon, I would ask, ask again and even when I already knew the answer, I would still ask. I was the judge/jury and just kept expecting a confession - it never came....ever. Unless/until they were caught red-handed, my qualifier(s) never were forthcoming with using/relapsing.
Betty mentions motives - before Al-Anon I thought I had a need/right to know the truth. What I learned in recovery was that I had a need/right to be safe, happy and whole. So, when I questioned my motives, it didn't make much sense to keep asking questions that were probing and most likely would result in dishonesty. Instead, I set up a boundary that if I felt uncomfortable by their disease, I reserved the right to vacate - the room, the house, the conversation, etc....So - whether they were under the influence or not no longer mattered for me - what mattered was my comfort level with our exchange. Boundaries gave me the freedom to protect and save me without being judgmental or punitive towards others.
If you are not going to Al-Anon meetings, I do encourage you to give it a try. The program, steps, slogans and principles helped me change my attitude and thinking processes so that my number one priority became me, my joy, my peace. Keep coming back! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Westport and welcome again to the MIP family. Shortly from my own experience I learned that honesty and active alcoholism did not reside in the same place and time at all because it is so debilitating of the pride and ego. Alcoholics often see themselves as "less than" and see and feel negative judgements of society around them who frown upon it. We don't like drunks and drunks don't like drunks best to lie about drinking and if the lie doesn't work use reverse blame and anger and if you need more use threats (of whatever) and finally physical abuse and retribution. It is all dishonest.
Suggestion? attend open AA meetings and listen to those in recovery. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
This could have been written by me. Someone finally told me "why ask the questions you know the answer to." It was wonderful wisdom for me. I had a deep need to ask the question and get an honest answer. For years, there was lying and that made matters much worse. It took me a long time to stop asking. My husband was sober for a year and relapsed last week. He did the right thing by meeting and talking with his sponsor and he admitted to me he was drinking which I consider progress. I thanked him for telling me the truth. I don't know if he will relapse again but I am still trying to learn what I need to do to take care of myself. It is a battle. All the best to you.
