The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Even after we begin our recovery, we may find that still feel resentful at times when we don't get the support or affection we want/need from our qualifier. Today's page highlights the role our misplaced expectations play in this, similar to expecting to find bread in a hardware store.
There are many reasons that a qualifier is unable to deliver love and support even as they would like to. Focusing our attention on this deficit and railing against our qualifier will not help, neither will ignoring or denying our needs.
Appreciation for anything our qualifier is able to show us, rather than expectation, is much healthier for all. Also, turning to our higher power and program, sponsor, meetings and program friends during these times can make a huge difference.
Today's Reminder: No one person can fulfill all of our needs, so our qualifier, affected by alcoholism, certainly is not going to be able to. If we stop placing unrealistic expectations on them, and instead we connect with our hp and program as we need to, we will have what we need.
"In AlAnon I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic, over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes." - ODAT in AlAnon
******************* On p. 153 here in C2C, one member described an expectation as 'premeditated resentment'. AlAnon helped me realize how often I based judgement of my qualifier's actions on what I thought they should do or say. That was a disaster for several reasons: I dont know how things 'should be, it's not my right to decide that for others, we are very different people, and the disease is incredibly powerful and damaging.
A main principle of AlAnon calls for us to focus on what we can do to find our peace and serenity, not what our qualifier is doing wrong or failing to deliver. I always suffer when I try to pin the blame for my feelings on my qualifier. I find peace and serenity when I look for the positive, and then look to my hp and program for the rest. I am so grateful for the wisdom of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good morning Paul I certainly appreciate reading today's reminder from the Courage to Change. I can remember the days, prior to program when I felt that my husband should be responsible for "making me happy" " reading my mind" and "knowing exactly what I needed when I didn't even know myself :)
It did take a few meetings, using the slogans and working the Steps to finally realized that my attitudes were distorted, and that i needed to keep the focus on myself, know what I needed, ask for what I needed and take care of myself emotionally That was a powerful awareness and how happy I am that alanon provided the necessary tools to keep the focus on myself ,let go of negative expectations and grow.
The alanon statement that "changed attitudes aid recovery is so true" Using the tools changed my attitudes and I am so grateful.
Good morning Paul and Betty! Thanks to both for your ESH and thank you Paul for the daily and your service.
I could write novels on how crazy my expectations were when I arrived....safer and easier to say that they were well beyond anything remotely sane.
The program has given me the freedom to know I am enough. I am never alone. I have enough. All will be OK. Others are put in my life to compliment me and teach me, not to fulfill or serve me. What a great gift to realize that I do not need to look beyond my own journey to find peace and joy.
Thanks for being a part of my journey and for complimenting my spiritual life. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had a hard time with yesterday's reading. I understand that, addiction or not, my partner is not solely responsible for how I feel nor will they always show love exactly how I would like them too.
I struggle to find a middle ground though, I immediately swung to the opposite feeling of not deserving love or feeling ashamed to ask for love.
(((Voodoo))) You are good enough and are deserving child of HP. it is imprtant to remember that recovery is a process. You will find that after using the tools, working the step that your expectations change and you will see the world through different attitudes and eyes.
