The material presented
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Thanks for the ESH on my lengthy post (re conversations with X). I'll start a new thread rather than resurrecting that transcript over and over, because it probably doesn't benefit anyone other than me to read it, really.
It's amazing; no matter what I expect when I share something here, the perspective I come away with always completely surprises me (and gives me something I can really work with). I don't know where I would be without you folks and this place.
The whole conversation had me so spun out that I really couldn't look objectively at any of it and I'm glad I wrote it down then, while it was still in my mind because yes, viewing it with calmer eyes does reveal the red flags and alarm bells I might have mentally edited out otherwise. Parts of it might sound like very standard manipulative stuff to some, but it's not usual from this person who's attitude is usually "I'm an a--hole, deal with it or f-off". Is he finally telling me what I want to hear because nothing else was working? Possi-Probably. Why? Who knows or cares??!! And THAT; that right there-is the part of my attitude/new paradigm that concerns me. The cynicism I have taken on where I was once relentlessly optimistic (and liked that about myself) bothers me a great deal. Not because it's necessarily unjustified, but because I am so, so different. I was once a very upbeat, friendly type of person who liked absolutely everyone and saw the best in them no matter what evidence there was to the contrary. I liked that I could always find something positive in people. I felt it was my (only?) strength. It was often a disadvantage, of course, but so is this very negative, sarcastic, dismissive person that I have become, and that's what troubles me most, I think. Where is the balance? Kindness and joy have gone by the wayside in favor of angry self preservation. I'm often very rude to people now and it shocks me how easily it comes; maybe it's just me adjusting to not being a doormat anymore. Or maybe it needs conscious attention. I think the latter.
Anyway.
The first part of this situation that struck me was "what exactly am I trying to do?"- Did I think that if I decided things were going to be a certain way, then that's how they would unfold? -"I'll sit here and think obsessively until I decide whether or not I trust him and then either X will happen, or Y will happen, but it'll definitely be X or Y". A41 said something here once about life not having a linear plot. I like that. Or, as an old friend once said, 'it never turns out the way you think it will in your head". So simple, yet words that haunt me and ring bells. I am not achieving anything by projecting and obsessing, yet it's always my default mechanism. Things will happen the way they are going to happen, and they'll happen better if I let go.. I know what I need to do for myself, my sanity and my safety. The rest isn't up to me. (Maybe I need to tattoo "Open" on each of my hands?)
The other part that really threw me for a loop was how fast my rational mind turned to goo. It happened more or less the moment he walked in the door. I was very curious to see how I would feel after not seeing him for so long, and I am really quite surprised (and a little bit amused) by how easily I can switch back into that old, wide eyed role with him. He's like kryptonite rolled in catnip. I need to keep making effort to meet new people and not be so lonely; otherwise I'm always travelling with a flat on one wheel of my HALT mobile. Maybe 2 flats, as I am nearly always angry now, as well. THAT needs to be addressed, and I noticed that as soon as I had spent a few days with him, the urge to be around other people went away and I've been a happy little hermit crab ever since. And THAT'S a big red flag right there. That's how I got into this lonely mess in the first place.
So, I think it's pretty simple really. I start live classes (in a room with ACTUAL REAL LIVE PEOPLE!!!) on Tuesday. I can go and be friendly and attempt to be confident. That's something I can actually DO and it should probably be my focus right now, rather than "what ifs" and 'maybes" surrounding a relationship that has dominated my life for over a decade. Because really, he actually might have grown and developed better intentions and better habits. But even if that were hypothetically possible, what good is it if I just slide right back into my old ways and make "us" the center of my very small, isolated universe?
Really simply, he'll do what he does and I know what I have to do. So tonight, I'll make up my mind as to how happy I want to be, and I'll be that. I have a single glorious week of teenager-free time on my hands, and some pretty good ideas about how to utilise it. None of them involve pining, worrying or obsessing.
THAT; that right there-is the part of my attitude/new paradigm that concerns me. The cynicism I have taken on where I was once relentlessly optimistic (and liked that about myself) bothers me a great deal. Not because it's necessarily unjustified, but because I am so, so different. I was once a very upbeat, friendly type of person who liked absolutely everyone and saw the best in them no matter what evidence there was to the contrary. I liked that I could always find something positive in people. I felt it was my (only?) strength.
Good Morning Ms. M. Happy New Year. I am pleased that you are reflecting on your thoughts and fantasies, while deciding on the best coarse of action.
I selected the sentence above to comment on, because I too have felt that way in the past and by making asset and gratitude lists as well as establishing the principle of placing principles above personalities , deciding to treat everyone with courtesy and respect I soon found myself responding (not reacting ) with kindness and compassion while remaining focused on myself and my needs. Living one day at a time, trusting HP not projecting to the future or living in denial and pretend, is the answer
You have come a long way my dear, you're not the same person who started posting here g. Your new tools and awareness are great asset that will carry you this coming year. Remember the C2C reminds us that our old negative tools do fly overhead from time to time and as long as we don't let them build nests in ourr hair we are fine You are not doing that.
I love how you have spoken about your classwork and classes and know, that you have the tools to face life on life's terms.
I do pray that you keep sharing your life with us.
I did read your previous thread and it reminded me of something that happened to me.
A long time ago I had a boyfriend who was not an A, but must have been unstable in some way, who was physically abusive to me. It was kind of classic for that sort of thing, we were soulmates, no one else could ever understand our love, very intense romantic feelings on both of our parts. But every now and then he attacked me physically, not often, and would later swear that it would never happen again. He always said that now he truly understood how to treat a woman and it would be different going forward. Well it was not.
So one time after an incident he again swore he would never do it again, this time was truly different, and I chose to believe him, but this time I was different. I was aware. Though I stayed with him and believed his words (we loved each other so much) I told myself (and maybe even told him too, don't remember) that this time if it happened again that was it for me, I would be done.
Well it did happen again and it was like a switch went off in me. My love for him was gone. Leaving him was mostly an easy thing for me. I guess I had prepared myself to do what was necessary and when the time came it was easy. I left him and though he called for a long time trying to get me back I didn't have any problem saying no because I didn't feel like going back.
I'm not saying that your situation is similar to my old one. Just the thing that sounds similar is you seem that you are different and more aware than before, as I was. And for me being more aware changed the dynamic of everything so that I did not have to get dragged into a long difficult process like before, just something that I knew how to handle quickly and painlessly when things went bad. But the shocking thing to me was the way my emotions suddenly were extremely willing to go along with what my mind wanted to do.
Again, not saying that our situations are the same, they are not, just that this was an interesting thing that happened to my emotions.
Wow, Neroli, you nailed it with this sentence......."But the shocking thing to me was the way my emotions suddenly were extremely willing to go along with what my mind wanted to do."
That is also what I noticed in my emotions. I see my behavior juxtaposed next to his behavior and I see how my emotions have changed to what my mind has been learning in AlAnon and how to take care of myself and make myself happy again. What a blessing.
Yes loneliness and isolation is a negative in most peoples lives, but it sounds like you have a positive mind for opening up. Live classes sounds great...... onwards MissM cheering for you all the way!
This post is a great reminder that we are works in progress, God is not finished with you yet... or any of us as long as were still on this planet. How often I have thought,
"THIS SH*T IS NOT WORKING!!!"
lol
That mental trap of overgeneralizing... black and white thinking.... negative mental filtering... all part of being affected by insanity.
I can relate to your concern about current attitudes.... cynicism.... losing the parts of yourself you liked.... a new negativity, sarcastic, dismissive. It reminds me of how it works for me... the swinging to opposite extremes... the opposite behavior.... the back and forth, back and forth until it balances out. Recovery is a process, this is how a change in character occurs, not unlike a baby changing and growing... very wobbly.
Being given precise steps got me through... inventory being essential... and the NAMING of my exact nature... what it was in ME that kept me coming up short (shortcoming)... How I was harming MYSELF and sometimes others. Until I had named it, I had no idea what it was about my character that was NOT working, or what to ask God to remove from me. An experienced, trusted sponsor is invaluable here.
Your post reminds me of how I wore rose-colored glasses too. I had to grow up and accept Reality, that there is good and bad in everyone and not to jump in with full trust... baring my soul as I so wanted to.... longing for soulful connection with someone to ease the pain of a neglectful childhood. Al-anon helped me recognize I already had everything I needed so I could surrender my need to pick out people who would treat me as my parents did... insisting this time it will be different, I WILL get this abusive neglectful person to love me... I will, I will, I will!!
Until my life became unmanageable insisting on my own way and I recognized my powerlessness... doing it again and again until I named the exact nature of my wrong... and amending that error... all looked like selfishness in the beginning because it's the opposite of what we did. But it is merely passing through. The balance for me came by working all 12 steps and in particular, the 11th step where the expansion occurs, where love expands by experiencing "unity" in meditation....
so, thank you again for a great reminder.... discomfort is indeed part of the process of a new character being built. They always told me that if I was in pain, "it" was working. If only we could just rub our hands together and say, "ooooooooh goodie, I'm growing!!!" right?
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 2nd of January 2017 12:16:20 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 2nd of January 2017 01:40:10 PM
