The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother is in another drinking binge and I saw her tonight for the first time in a while.
She doesn't even look like herself. She is so, so swollen, particularly her face and abdomen. Her face is almost unrecognizable because the swelling has distorted her features. We had a really nice talk together in her home. She was lucid, feeling very sick, quite afraid that she is dying. Somewhat alcohol affected but not too bad. We hugged and hugged. It was beautiful. Just love. God, how I used to rage at her and cause myself and others so very much pain. I destroyed my own life and all my relationships with all that turmoil, I really did. Now I am a bit better, I can just be with her as she is. I am grateful for that, for these moments with her where we can be unconditional friends. It also helps the harmony that she is too sick and debilitated to be abusive or violent or get up to any of her old behaviors.
She is in end stage alcoholism. She is not receiving any medical or AA or drug and alcohol counseling help. I know one line of thought is that if they want it they will seek it. There's truth in that. It depends on their frame of mind and debility. All her phones are cut off anyway, as she hasn't paid any bills.
I told her I would be happy to call an ambulance (my judgement, based on her appearance, was that wouldn't be an overreaction)
She said she wanted to get her laundry sorted out first and that she'd like medical attention tomorrow. I accepted that line. I didn't stay long. I made plans with her for tomorrow and left.
My dad kept saying, earlier, at another location: "She's dying, she's about to die, all her organs are failing" - he was so brash about it, because he loves her and he is afraid and feels so powerless. My little brother's face fell more and more, the more dad said this. We talked a lot about how wonderful she is when sober. Mum and dad divorced many years ago after a long, drunken, very violent marriage. Even though there was a lot of opposite-of-love in their marriage, weirdly, they have a deep love bond. That used to confuse and anger me a lot back when I was young and knew everything ;).
I asked him about how they met and he told my brother and I all about it and how beautiful she was, inside and out. He said when he used to see her, his heart would thump wildly. Dad never talks so sentimentally. It was really nice to hear those stories and see him like that, open up and be a bit vulnerable and human.
Even though dad is an alcoholic himself, he said things like "She's dying and she just doesn't care", which isn't true. He knows that's not what alcoholism is. He knows she cares. I recognize that line of thinking, I used to resort to it too. I get it. It's valid, but it's painful to be that way. I didn't say anything to him though, because he's definitely got the right to his perspective. There doesn't seem to be one true thing to cling to in a disease like alcoholism.
So when I returned home to my house I noticed myself slipping back into old habits. There was distinctly less emotional frenzy than there used to be, but my mind was beginning to obsess about how to save her. It has always done that, since I was little. It was my primary mission in life! The good thing was I could observe what my mind was doing rather than buying into it, and I could see it for what it was. Call an ambulance right now? Have her here to detox? I got online and researched treatment resources. I looked up all the local doctors and who is working this weekend. I called a couple of hotlines who both recommended I get her to a hospital right away - she may need drainage, may have this, may have that. But the time was midnight and I just don't have the drama-adrenaline to fuel midnight attempts to get an alcoholic medical attention any more. That's a young woman's game. Too many futile interventions.
Tomorrow I will take mum to a doctor if she wants to go, to begin investigations into whether she truly does have some organ damage, and/or maybe some vitamin or mineral recommendations to prevent things like wet brain. I've found doctors to be reluctant to bother treating alcoholics. I will go with an optimistic heart but I'm not necessarily expecting much help.
I want to do that because it feels like the right thing to do. If she doesn't want to go, I'll have to be OK with that I guess.
Mum is in her late 50s and has been drinking since 15. It's a miracle she has made it this long! She has not been able to maintain sobriety but has had many tries, many rehabs, lots of AA, counseling, treatment. She has lost a lot. I guess I'm admitting that I am trying to keep her alive and get her sober for what? What kind of life for her? I don't know.
The primary mission in visiting her was to warn her that her mother, who's 90-something, plans on showing up at the door tomorrow, as she is desperate to see mum. I don't really want my grandmother to visit the house because it'd be extremely upsetting to her, and her health isn't great. I'd rather take mum to visit my grandmother in a more pleasant environment. I'm still care taking and controlling and trying to protect people, aren't I? Ho hum.
On the way out I noticed mum had a framed, holographic picture of Mother Mary and Jesus perched on her mailbox. I assume that is there because she's been having some of her delusions/hallucinations involving demons out to get her and the need for Christian remedies.
This is probably going to kill my mum, if not this time then next.
If you have lived through that, with a parent or husband or wife or sibling or child, how did you cope? Are you OK now?
I guess I am aware that tomorrow I may go through the motions of attempting to keep her alive for ME. Because I couldn't live with myself if she died without me trying something. Even though I know she will probably die from alcoholism eventually and suffer greatly. However, imagining her or anybody dying a painful death alone is unacceptable.
I suppose many people experience this, if a loved one is dying from any incurable ailment. There must be surrender.
Life is weird. We're so programmed to take responsibility, prevent the preventable, and to take action. It's strange realizing that that is not a blanket approach, applicable to every situation.
-- Edited by hiraeth on Friday 30th of December 2016 10:12:37 AM
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
((Hireath)) this is indeed a painful disease for all concerned. I lived through this experience with my son who in the end refused medical treatment, refused to go in the ambulance when I called and died at home at age 41 of what was termed "Natural causes".
Meetings, prayer and alanon calls helped me to cope with courage, serenity and a little wisdom . Remembering that we are powerless was also huge.
(((Hiraeth))) - I really have no ESH in this part of the disease but am sending prayers for you and your family.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, you two beautiful courageous wonderful ladies
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Hiraeth, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband died from many medical conditions, made worse by alcoholism. It seems unbearable to witness, but I learned from this program not to feel guilty for doing only what I could do. I also learned that other people could help me. I learned to take one day at a time. I learned that other people (children, grandmothers) were stronger than I thought. I am doing well now.
Thanks very much, Freetime. Your words are really comforting and supportive.
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
That sounds so very difficult and painful. Those in my family that have died from alcoholism did so when I was too young to remember much. I do remember how very quiet and numb everyone was; no real emotion or grief. I didn't understand that as a child but I sure do now; what a burden they must have all been carrying and what a mixed bag of emotions it must have all been for them. I don't have a lot to offer on this but I do wish you strength and serenity.
So sorry you are going through this. I can only offer my support and understanding. My AH is terminally ill. Has reached roughly the time his doctors said he is likely to die.
My prayers are with you. The responses to this are all different and we all react differently to our loved ones who have this disease. I lost my daughter to this when she was 36, 9 months ago. While I knew death was a distinct possibility, that did not make it any easier. But, because of this program, I could allow myself to feel the pain and sadness instead of stuffing it. I can acknowledge my feelings and know that they will pass. Even though the waves of sadness hit at unexpected times, I know I will not drown in them. I thank Godfrey this program.
You sound as though you have a sense of peace. One day,one hour, one minute at a time. Do the next best thing, always.
Your story touched my heart. While I married into the disease of alcoholism four times, I have yet to see any of them die from the disease. I guess I bailed before it got that far. On the other hand, I have seen someone die of a disease I could not control, nor did I cause or could I cure. Alzheimer's. I cared for my mom for ten years, who had Alzheimer's. It is one of the many things that brought me to this room (since I was housebound I couldn't get to f2f). When someone is dying of a terminal disease, You go through the same grief steps as you do after the death, I think. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. At least that's how it was for me.
Mom is gone now, a year and a half. She passed on Mother's Day 2015, four days before my daughter graduated from high school. I must say, in many ways I all I felt was relief. I was able to attend my daughter's graduation without worrying how I was going to get someone to sit with mom while I went (she couldn't be left alone and hospice wasn't there 24/7) and although mom had wanted to live to see her granddaughter graduate, I felt like this was mom's way of actually 'getting there' in spirit, if not in body. I felt her presence with us many times over the next few weeks; indeed I feel it sometimes to this day.
My prayers and thoughts will be with you as you go through this time. You sound like you are handling this well, and making good decisions. Trust your gut and go with it. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Overcome on Sunday 1st of January 2017 08:42:54 PM
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
So many changes in me this time. After a literal lifetime of living in a self-created hurricane of pain and resistance about alcoholism and all that goes with it, I seem to have finally found some tools that work; made some inner changes that are effective. It's a daily learning and experimenting thing but so worth it and really quite beautiful overall. This message board has played a really significant part in my serenity and capacity to process things in ways that don't cause unnecessary suffering. So has experience. I've learned the dead-end outcome of many of my old responses and am so ready to try new things.
What I was really asking in my OP was: can you show me a formula to protect me from the incoming pain? Can you show me how to prevent grief? That's what I was subconsciously asking of you. I wanted that because in the past, pain was my ruler. I had no way to get out of it. It would suck me in and I was stuck there, and I associate feeling pain with being consumed by it and losing my whole life to it. But that isn't the reality any more, I have other options now. I can feel pain and know it is healthy and it will pass. These are the experiences I need to understand that. Everything seems so kind and perfect in its own way. I feel like HP is educating me so well.
I also wanted, in my OP, to figure out a definite, set, final attitude. I have always wanted to be black and white like that, to make a final decision about 'this is my stance, the end'. It was always an ill-advised method to try to get some ground beneath my feet, to have some control, to know one thing for sure. It seemed preferable to being wishy washy, but it put a lot of unrealistic pressure on me. Because in these circumstances there are a few different opinions and responses in me, some of them conflicting, and all of them worthy of being respected. This is how 'one day at a time' is so wonderful. Life is fluid, I can be fluid with it. I can learn to respond genuinely in the moment rather than having some rigid set of inner guidelines I have to adhere to. Those rules I tried to make, like "I will not do this" or "I HAVE to do that" were so restrictive and stressful. To think I was trying to live like that to help myself, ha!
So the doctor said it may be liver; not to stop drinking suddenly as it would cause seizure and possibly death; to cut down on the drinking, consume water, and call an ambulance if she was scared. Mum asked the doctor for valium/morphine while we were there, haha! Blessedly, this doctor said no as it is dangerous with large alcohol consumption. Little did that doctor know, she already has plenty of morphine tablets at home. My purpose in taking mum to the doctor was to guage the doctor's reaction: if they seemed to think it was acute organ failure, I would know to take her to the hospital. If not, I could let it go a bit. Because it was NYE afternoon, no blood tests or scans were possible via the doctor in the clinic.
On the way home, mum asked to be taken to buy some alcohol for the evening. I didn't even feel conflicted about taking her to do that, because that's just what active alcoholism is. I had to go in because she could barely walk.
The following day, I cried in the morning. My partner took me to the mountains because he knows nature revitalizes me. I had such a wonderful day in the forest. Incredibly healing. I came home with a refreshed perspective and vitality and joy. I was reconnected with myself and what I want to do and enjoy in my own life. Being in nature with people who are living stable lives and who love me, helped me separate out my reality from my mum's.
I spoke to mum on the phone and she sounded really good! She'd had a dramatic turnaround and improvement! What a marvel. She was saying I had saved her life by not making her feel guilty, and by taking her to the doctor. Her statements aren't realistic as we all know, but it was really nice to hear her sound more like herself.
I couldn't help but chuckle to myself after that phonecall: how many times do I have to cycle through catastrophising before I learn better? How many times do I have to live her excruciating death in my head before I stop torturing myself like that?
Alcoholics and their families die a thousand deaths. I think that's what this is about. When mum relapses, it is like a death of her sober personality. She is temporarily eclipsed by the disease, for a season, then she returns - rebirthed in a way. It's been a cycle of losing her since I was born. These last two relapses, I've been totally fixated on her imminent death. It is partly because these past two times, her body looks incredibly sick and logically, it can't hold out forever. But I think I feel the presence of death because the hopes and dreams die each time there's a relapse, then I project all that on to a physical death.
I cause great suffering for myself with the arrogance of thinking I know what will probably happen next. I have been shown many times, that I don't. So that particular suffering is optional for me at this point. I've just realized it is probably also an unconscious manipulation on mum's part. People know that if they tell you they are dying, you are going to throw away any resentment and give them attention.
Yesterday I wrote a little eulogy for her. I will probably never use it and she may live for another 20 yrs, but it was really a nice little impromptu exercise for me, to express how I feel about my mum's life. I think I am preparing to let go deeper and deeper, whether her physical body dies or not. Developing deeper and deeper respect for her path, whatever it may look like.
I went late last night to check and she wasn't home! I looked around to see if her body was on the floor anywhere, but no. At that moment, a family member called and she happened to be over there, drinking with them, which is fair enough. I could actually hear her mocking me in the background and the person who had called me, laughing along with her, and even THAT didn't hurt me! I understood it. I know where that comes from, and it just is what it is. It isn't anything to do with me and doesn't even reflect the ultimate reality of how she feels about me. It's temporary madness and it's present in all of us to different extents. It is so wonderful having a strong sense of self now, with strong self love and self respect. Makes it really hard to disturb my sense of peace and steadiness. I got that inner sense of self regard working with HP, and now it seems largely unshakable.
I feel I am comfortable with that being the extent of my involvement, for now. I have ensured her phone is reconnected (paid with her money) so she can call for medical help if she wants to, and I know she is in regular contact with people who are capable of taking action if she starts bleeding from her eyeballs or something obviously wrong like that.
Things that were scaring me a few days ago, like the image of her dying a painful death by herself in the dark and her being scared in her last moments, aren't scaring me right now. I can't pinpoint why or how, other than an ongoing, organic learning process.
It's not like I feel a hardness towards mum or an indifference. I just feel this strange acceptance and independence from it. These experiences feel like waves on an ocean - each time the water laps in it gives me a new perspective and takes an old, stale one out.
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Im sorry your family are going through this. Alcoholism can be cruel but what a lot of wisdom humility love you are showing throughout. I believe we are blessed truly with this program. I just think of what this situation could potentially be like. Filled with fear anger resentment chaos but you are able to see the love by looking at the reality straight in the eyes. Its amazing to me and thank you for sharing your journey. Living right in the centre of reality during this means you are able to see the beauty and love even in this dark set of circumstances. What a gift to all concerned.
A dear friend of mine killed themselves over the holidays. I had always entertained he was an alcoholic. I can say absolutely his death threw me for a real loop.
I know for me personally it has out me in a place where I can only take so much loss.
It is very very very painful to be looking for people on the floor to be wondering when?
I would not wish that on anyone
I hope you will stay close to your program. Close to this group. Close to taking care of yourself
I know absolutely I.could not prevent my friend from killing himself. I know I was not in a place to see the signs.
I am truly saddened by his death.
In so many ways as you have said you lost your mother long ago. On another level protecting yourself from another person's incredibly self destructive acts is so essential.
I have felt the brunt of other people's self destruction regularly. Now I have boundaries. I cannot tell you what your boundaries should be. I know for me they go beyond being hurt by what people say. There are certain people I will not have in my life
I know absolutely for me at this time I do t second guess my boundaries. No matter who the person is, be they a co worker, neighbor, former partner, if I deem I need a boundary I don't go through a painful do I, Should I, need I phase. The boundary goes in. I never let that boundary go.
That painful self doubt was a huge barrier to my being able to take care of myself. I certainly feel for alcoholics, feel for
their process. The difference is these days I feel for myself first. I feel for my own life first others second and I no longer feel like I have to justify it to others or to myself.
But as to grieving I still grieve. I grieve for my friend who just died. I grieve for my sister who I have not spoken to in years and I grieve for myself.
