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I haven't posted in a long time. Caught up with life and kids....AH gave me a lot of empty promises and I went into my hopeful place only to be let down again. I think I am finally at acceptance. Acceptance that I cannot do one blessed thing to change any of this or fix it. I am handing him over to God and keeping my focus on me and my children. It was a hard one to get - but I think I finally get it. I read it here and it stays in my mind like a mantra "the A is going to drink, what are you going to do?"....
So, OK, that's well and good. I'm reading the literature, journalling, trying to take care of myself. Clearly, I need to go back to F2F meetings which I abandoned some time ago.
My question to all of you is this: How do you cope with the grief of the loss of this person you used to know? He is a ghost now. He is functional, he goes to work, he lives his life despite the drinking...but when we are alone he has nothing to say to me. I think the worse kind of loneliness is when you are with someone and still feel alone. When I am in my own company, I am peaceful, happy even...but my husband is no longer the man I knew. I've known him for 30 years, 26 married, and feel like I am living with a stranger. Thank God for my kids, they keep me centered, they give me affection and conversation and I really enjoy being in their company. But, my marriage is slipping away.
I want for him to work this out himself. I'm trying not to preach. But, really I just want to scream "why are you doing this to us?'
Thanks for reading.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Newleaf, I have felt the same way when my late husband was becoming increasingly sick with the disease. You expressed it very well: living with a ghost, the loneliness, and grieving the loss of the person you used to know. I understand the feeling of wanting to scream.
How to cope? It is good to recognize that we actually are grieving. Meetings and starting to work the steps with a sponsor were the biggest helps for me. I learned to focus on one day at a time. I could handle one day. I allowed myself to accept help from others. In the midst of the pain, I discovered the miracle that I was not alone and that my children and friends would step up to help me ... whether by just listening, doing things for me, or sharing their experiences.
I focused on things outside of the house. I took online courses that expanded my job skills and were a great reason to go into a room with a computer and close the door. I went to the gym a lot. I loved my job because it took me away from the house. I took mini-vacations. I saw a therapist. I talked on the phone with a friend. I did volunteer work. These activities didn't change the reality of what was happening, but each provided its own type of pain relief.
Eventually I have been able to reframe how I think about our marriage. Most of it was good -- even great -- and it blessed me with two wonderful children. Then there was this part that was terrible, but most of it had been good. And I know that I was loved, even though the love could not make him stop drinking.
This is a very difficult time. Give yourself a lot of credit for everything you are already doing.
Freetime, thank you for your response. Your advice is good. Grief is grief and no matter the circumstance, we all need to find a way to live with the pain while keeping ourselves moving forward. I can't go back, that is for sure. Meetings, sponsor, gym, family, career. The hardest thing is feeling like I am leaving him behind but I know the alcohol, the disease has done this - put this wall between us.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
((NewLeaf)) I agree that grief is grief and , accepting it and processing it is extremely painful i foUnd meetings helped a great deal.
As Freetime indicated , honestly looking at the relationship in the light of the "disease concept" helped me to appreciate the moments we shared and move forward.
Hugs, the worst is grieving the what could have should have would have beens had there not been the dysfunction. I know people who have stayed and managed to find fulfillment in the life with the active A I couldn't. I wanted more. In the meantime I took the opportunity to find out what I enjoyed doing. I love the city. I had lived in podunk America not my choice it was foisted on me. So we move the kids and I .. I have found what I enjoy wonderful friends and just being able to do what I want. Whatever the means to me. It took a long time to figure that out. Hugs S ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm in the same place new leaf. Some days are good and others i too fantasize about what could have been and what used to be. That only makes me cry. I have found keeping busy really helps. Fortunately, so far, in my time of need, there have been meetings taking place online that I have been able to attend. I'm not sure if I will be able to go on like this forever, but until then I take it one day at a time. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeanine
Awww, I totally get it. I was exactly where you are a few years ago. As others have said, you are grieving. Heck, I am 2 years out of my marriage and I still grieve the dream. The dream of happily ever after and well-adjusted kids with a cherry on top. It wasn't my life and was never going to be my life. I had to seriously work on acceptance and on overcoming my denial. There is a pamphlet in Al Anon called the Merry Go Round called Denial and I found it most helpful when I first started program.
As Newleaf said, I felt like i was leaving my XAH behind. I was moving on without him, but I had to recognize the fact that I gave him ample opportunities to come with me. I asked him to participate in family events, he wouldn't go. I asked him to help out around the house or help me with a project, nope.....too busy getting a buzz on for that. I asked him to go to marriage counseling, which he did but he used it as a place to dredge up the past and to downplay his drinking and his DUI and what that had done to our family and he blamed everyone except himself so counseling didn't go so well, you know?
I used my recovery as a chance to learn more about myself. I encourage you to do the same. Hugs and love to you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I also totally understand where you are. It was painful, sad and lonely for sure. The good news, it does get better! Like Betty, I found the answers in attending as many meetings as possible, and really embracing all the program suggests. The slogans, the daily readers, the steps, etc. helped me walk through the grief. It was not a perfectly straight line and often times I felt as if it was not getting/going to get better. Yet, it did - one day at a time.
You are not alone and acceptance is a hugely powerful step in the right direction. We often talk about the 3 A(s) - Acceptance, Awareness and then Action. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too understand your feelings. The man who I loved only shows up on occasion now. I am very grateful that he does still show up now and then, mostly after a bout of illness that forces sobriety for a while. We are in that phase now and I am doing my level best to enjoy the time and not think about the other shoe that can drop at any time.
I do want to recommend to you an Al-Anon book about Grief and Loss that deals not only with physical death but also the grief that comes when a partner becomes absent due to being lost in alcoholism. The book is called Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses and I have found it very helpful. It is a lot of information to take in, so I am going through it slowly and trying to really absorb the message.
Good luck to you newleaf66. It is not an easy road we travel and it can be very lonely at times. I believe for myself I must keep showing up and spending my time with others who stimulate my mind and spirit.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thanks Bethany for your response. I will order that book tonight. That other shoe - it always derails me...I try to detach, let go of the outcome but the look on my son's face when Dad was clearly drunk for Christmas Eve Mass just devastated me. If it was just me I think it would be easier you know? My kids didn't sign up for this.
I will commit in this new year to my own recovery and let go of his. I will keep coming back here and resume F2F meetings. I will seek others to nourish my soul. I will grieve but I will survive this. I will try to send love and acceptance to him and hold my judgement.
Best of luck to you also
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
