There have been a lot of changes recently and I'm just trying to take them all in .. the word of the month has really been boundaries and what they mean to me. 

I'm getting better about being able to communicate in an effective manner with people closest to me however still have moments of meltdown city .. LOL .. progress not perfection is a truer statement now than ever before.  Learning to say what I mean .. mean what I say and not say it mean .. priceless because me playing Queen of Hearts and screaming OFF WITH HIS/HER HEAD isn't working for me although there are times that is appropriate.  My intense conversation with my attorney in the court hallway it was appropriate to let her know without a doubt I'm DONE. She was so not a happy girl and I don't blame her I really called her out on a LOT of stuff and I shook her up which was my intension it wasn't court hearing it was status so shaking her up meant putting her on notice she had more than she could handle in me at that moment.  It was the typo's, the money not being on the form and so on that set me off.  I had 3 hours to review my case and she knew she was in the wrong. 

I realized in that moment that when I started this divorce journey my daughter was my son's age .. at what point is a written agreement enforced .. I'm pretty sure my attorney is fully aware when this is done she's writing off my bill.  It is DONE.  I'm going to throw out words like Bar and so on based upon what I had to go through to get the agreement enforced.  I mean nightmare city .. she is not reading my case or taking an interest because it's lost money for her.  NOT MY ISSUE.  I can't help what transpired with all of this it's been FUBAR since my last attorney had a stroke.  She got a full dose of NO this is NOT ok and YES you are going to fix it OR we are going to have bigger issues than you want to deal with .. says the woman who went through 5 years of court hell and still counting .. exactly how stubborn do you think I am?  I'm also not communicating with her like I used to .. I showed up and never said a word I would be there .. lol .. I'm sure that was a priceless moment of oh sugar honey ice tea this woman is D.O.N.E.  There is no more playing around. I still have not identified my BFF.  I won't until this goes down on paper. 

Sooo .. boundaries .. it's very difficult for someone who grew up with none.  Not only that the issue of not being heard is such a BIG thing for me.  I'm currently watching my BF go through this with his X.  Honestly I am dumbfounded it has also provoked some questions within me about the issue of emotional abuse, bullying and so on.  How nice do I really speak to my X.  OMGOSH .. LOL .. for the love of all that is holy her desperate acting out is embarrassing for us all.  It's awful and I don't want to be a part of it.  It reminds me of how I felt when my XAH left.  I am sooo grateful I didn't do 3/4 of what she's doing however I did things I was not proud of in the beginning my advantage is my X was so far gone at that point he doesn't remember .. LOL.  I did not want him back ... it was the rejection that was really the issue .. what was wrong with me and what made me unlovable .. ironically when my self esteem improved so did my answers to that question. 

I am in a place though of he's going to do what he's going to do and all I can do is protect my heart and take care of me.  I have healed a great deal through this relationship and he's a wonderful man.  My hope is that we continue to grow and heal together .. I just am not willing to be tied into something that has this kind of behavior going on at the moment.  It's just to much drama and I have been focused on 2017 being as drama free as necessary!!

Anyways, I'm grateful for a lot of things this holiday season.  Praying that 2017 will be everything and more than 2016 has been, so far so good.

Hugs S :)