HI Lu Great program work You have come a long way.  Love your new Avatar

In making amends I had to first understand that the primary purpose of making amends was to relieve me of my guilt and negative feelings from the past.

In addition it did not matter how anyone responded to my offer of amends. The most important thing in  making amends I had to remember that It did not mean I had to say "I am sorry"

Instead, making amends meant I had to change my attitude and responses. Owning my part in a situation and restating how my new principles will be directing my actions going forward, was/is good enough

Hey LU - my experience is similar to Betty's....as with all things in recovery - I truly had to check my motives before moving forward in step work and with working on my relationships with others. I had to make sure I was fully connected to my spiritual program and prepare myself to say what I mean, mean what I say, be gentle and have no expectations.

When I was fearful of an amend that needed to be made, my sponsor did suggest praying about it a bit longer to be completely ready. The amends process is not about seeking input, forgiveness or anything from others; it's about freeing me up of that which holds me hostage in my own mind, heart and soul. Owning up to my part in the disease was refreshing and healing. I have learned in recovery that we all process in different ways and in different intervals. Not everyone wanted to 'hear' from me and that had to be OK.

My sponsor did help me to formulate my amends so they were one-sided. In other words, all I statements and no mention of I was reacting to you or your ..................................... (cuz my brain at times still wants to look for blame in others).

Good luck - there is no hurry - it happens as it's supposed to when it's supposed to. (((Hugs))) - you got this!

 

 

The Amends process for me when I finally got it straight was about "changing the things I can" without excuse or justification as to what might be asked to make it right.  I knew often the value I was to repay if the value was for goods I stole or damaged and then there was the emotional and physical and spiritual damage I did.  I came to understand that parts of the damage was that I left my victim often thinking that they had caused the trouble and they continued to live in anger, resentment and guilt and shame just as I did as a victim in the disease.  When I saw or realized this I owed them "freedom from the responsibility of it" and the outcomes are powerful as my victims held false beliefs for long periods of time...aged resentments.  My last amends was like such to a father and son I had harmed 22 years after the event.  They lived with that event until the amends was made and then they were free.  They could not believe the process was taking place and they expressed gratitude deeply for it.   I worked closely with my HP on that step and it took two round trips of 5200 miles to get it done. 

Yes I get a spiritual payoff and so do my victims.  So often we want to be treated this way by the alcoholic and/or the addict until we become aware that we will not get what we will not give away.  Great post...Mahalo (((((hugs)))))