The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My "a" quit his great new job and took another assignment on a third shift with a friend of his. He got laid off because he was a temp and because his attendance was poor, partly because of everything going on with our family. At first I felt bad, but then my anxiety level went way down when I realized that meant he wouldn't have to see the "the girl" everyday. He said this was actually a very good thing because he believes it will give him the opportunity to prove he is serious about working hard and building trust with me. He made me a very nice lunch and planned for me to take the morning off to spend time with him. So this morning when he called to say he would be home soon but he was very tired and wanted to talk to his buddy and then go to bed, I half expected it. The old anger started to rear its ugly head. I was frustrated with the kids because they wouldn't listen, but it felt like the old excuses and no follow through on his part. I dressed the kids, gave them their juice and excused myself to the back porch to clear my head. I realized that it was not the end of the world he genuinely is tired after being up almost 24 hours since yesterday. I allowed myself to ask me what I needed to do to be o.k. So, when he came home I said in a very calm voice I was disappointed that I won't get to spend time with you, but I know you are tired so I'm not going to make a big deal about this. He apologized because he felt bad that he asked me to take time off from work and then was too tired to follow through with our plans. He called me at work and left a voice mail apologizing again. Wow!! This is way new behavior for me and him.
My anger has been so deep even as a child when my father would say we were going to do something and then he'd blow me off, I guess I feel that same anger with my "a". I'm starting to realize now that everyone can't be everything to everyone. I can't do that for people, so why do I get so bent out of shape when someone can't do that for me. I began to focus on the things he does do instead, and realized this was not a big deal. Before, everything was a big deal because I allowed my anger to control me and come out sideways. I think I'm starting to get this. Yeah for me!!
Hugs to all,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
AWESOME!! Way to go girl!! I found that when I stopped letting the anger control me, everything was sooo much better! When my attitude changed, so did his, BIG TIME!! Then I started learning to detatch with love, and even though he would still drink, I could handle it. I realized that I loved him, and wanted to stay with him.
After awhile, I did something that I had never done before, started to love me! Then, started doing things for ME. Without Alanon, my HP, and the great people here, I really don't think I would be where I'm at today, a very happy person!!!
Keep up the good work!! Praying for you and your family,TLC
What an impressive thing to do to step back when the old anger reared its head. I had an issue this week with the A and was ready to slam him. Fortunately for me I was not able to get ahold of him on the telephone. Frustration and deprivation can still get me in a spin. I can get lost in it in a minute. I am glad that you can take care of yourself no matter what. I need to be there. I am most of the time but I stumble readily.
I think the place I am most vulnerable is in that rage when something echoes my family of origin stuff.
Then I can get absolutely lost in the past is the present. There are many days when I can keep it apart. Other days it feels like I am still there.
