The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading speaks to the concept of detaching with love. Through the program and its tools, we can let go of resentment, bitterness and anger and instead feel the serenity of acceptance. The writer specifically mentions coming to terms with his/her father's death and realizing that the A father provided love and support to the best of his abilities.
What strikes me about this reading is how much our expectations of others figure into the resulting feelings we may have in our relationship to those people. Are we setting up unrealistic expectations and then feeling disappointed? I remember sitting in a therapist's office several years ago complaining about my now ex AH. 'Is it so unrealistic to expect him to come home to his family at the end of the night?'. The therapist looked at me and said- 'yes it's not a realistic expectation because he is an A and A's drink (and in his case stay out all night). For me there was a lot to that simple statement. There really wasn't judgment in it- it was just a reminder for me (since I had become so adept at stuffing reality!) that at that time I was living with an active A, and therefore needn't feel surprise or anger at the behavior of an active A. I started detaching my feelings from the disease rather than the person. That is, I was able to see the disease separately from the person, at least most of the time!
The 'thought for the day' challenges us to consider what our expectations as a child may have to do with any difficulties we experience as adults. I know that there were certain aspects of my childhood that I either tried to replicate or fix in my relationship with my exAH. We are reminded also to be patient with ourselves- alcoholism and it's effects on relationships are not solved immediately. We may have to adjust expectations for ourselves in recovery as well.
It's a balmy 9 degrees here in the northeast US-- I hope you all stay warm and comfortable today!
Good morning Mary - thank you for your service, the daily and your ESH. It's 23 degrees in the middle of the country, and less than 10 with the windchill....and this is a warm day compared to the last few! You appear to be on the receiving end of what we just went through and it's been cold!
Time and time again for me, it seems that expectations get me into trouble. It sounds so simple - expecting other adults to act like adults and function accordingly. Yet, those affected with the disease of alcoholism just can not or will not 'see' things as I do, and therefore do not often meet my expectations. I find myself at times literally shaking my head while processing as to how 2 people living in the same home can see things so differently.
An eye-opener for me is when my qualifier(s) were 'off the rails' and I appeared to get stuck. Fear, anger, sadness and the like literally froze me at times, and I watched others with same/similar chaos continue to function and do so with joy/peace. It truly showed me the power of recovery, detachment and letting go with God's help.
I love my parents dearly yet there are things from my childhood that give me cause for pause. I swore I was going to parent better than they did! Of course, I put forth the effort to do so, yet forgot that the outcome is beyond my control. My son is now a parent and says the exact same thing. It makes me smile as I now realize we all want that/plan that.
He's got some issues in his life and a part of me still seeks/needs approval from my own parents so ... I told him it was his choice/responsibility what he shared/did not share - my parents are in town visiting. Unlike me, he's not concerned with their approval, judgement, disappointment, etc. I haven't decided if this is good or not, but it is what it is and it certainly is a break from the cycle I've watched/embraced my whole life.
My serenity is a whole lot better when I can detach and allow things to unfold as they should. That is my best plan, just for today and it's nice to know I am no longer responsible for the happiness of others. Letting go and Letting God through detachment has set me free!
Make it a great day - stay warm and safe!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Yanks for your service and share of a powerful text, and you both for your strong ESH. A very deep topic when you get into FOO, parents, and expectations...challenging to adopt and practice a healthy mindset when dealing with issues and circumstances that helped shape who we are.
Without the program, I was well on my way to growing in age without wisdom, locked in my view that everyone else had it wrong. I don't have contact with my FOO, but I am able to look back at behaviors and events with more and more understanding as I see myself more clearly and have more appreciation for what they were trying to do.
My choice: focus on the negatives and hold resentment and bitterness, or let that all wash away and work on acceptance, understanding, and love. I am grateful for the guidance of the program that is helping me with the latter, one day at a time Stay warm all!
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning Mary It is cold here as well. Detachment is a great topic and tool that i did not understand at first but have now incorporated into my every day life.
The alanon "Detachment" bookmark helped me to understand that my old tools of attempting to help people by giving advise, doing for them what they could not do for them selves was really destructive and invasive and not at all loving. It was a way I learned in my FOO and used it in order to "detach" from myself and not focus my attention on my life but make myself feel better at another's expense.
It helped when I examined my motives and finally came to acceptance that I was powerless over others. Then my expectations, which were formed as a child may be very unrealistic and that I am responsible only for my life an happiness.That happiness is an inside job and tha I can allow others .
Thanks to this powerful principle I am able to treat everyone with courtesy and respect and MYOB. The C2C says it well:" To give advise to another is to intruded to give advise to ourselves is to grow. "
Stay warm all!