The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That's what today was...I don't like tests and I'm not sure I passed. But as I sit here on this board with my "one day at a time in al-anon" book in front of me, I know at least if I didn't pass this time, I'll have better tools next time. I was trying to find a passage by the topic I was searching for today and the word kept coming up for me as "blame".
I don't blame the alcoholic in my life for why the chaos that is sometimes in my world, I do blame myself for not being strong enough to end that chaos. My own self blame is less but when my emotions are high, enter blame back into my life.
Today, someone blamed me for my exes alcoholism and told me that I kept the disease going and if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have continued to be sick. Mind you he hadn't had a drop of alcohol in over 8 months and is active in recovery to the best he can be. So to have the past sneak up on me when I try so hard to live in the moment of today, I admit I reacted to them out of emotion to that comment. Don't they know that I've been involved with al-Alanon, don't they know I'm understanding what part I played in this whole thing and bettering myself? Don't they get that no one is to blame?
But then I remember that I too used to put blame on others in order to not deal with my own character defects. I still do, more often then not i catch myself and acknowledge what lovely defect was "acting out".
It's just to be called out do something from the past shook me and made my mind sink back to those moments of high anxiety where I lost my appetite and concentration. Where my thoughts turned into tears and those tears turned into reacting without thinking. I let someone else's stuff impact my own progress today and I feel like I let myself down. I have to remember that I did the best I could today and when I wake up tomorrow I can set focus to what lies my way versus what happened today.
(((Crau))) - I don't do well with direct confrontation at all - however, and this is helpful for me....I do better today than I used to. That's where the program helps me see that I am not perfect, I will never be perfect but I am a work in progress and I am better than I used to be!
Before recovery, not only would I have reacted badly, I would have JADE'd my way to the top of the confrontation and been a legend in my own mind!!! My sponsor has suggested over and over and over again that in moments like this, the other person must truly be in great pain and my best recourse might be to acknowledge that vs. their words. It is a great way to diffuse a full direct attack, just simply to say, "I am sorry for your pain and I will pray for you." My experience is that many will be grateful and stop to at least think and others will not be phased. However, it's my effort to acknowledge their pain without accepting the blame.
No matter the source or the insanity of the messenger, direct attacks are very unnerving for me. My brain seems to still default often to black/white so my first two thoughts are usually fight back or run and hide. Recovery had given me a whole lot of gray in between for which I'm grateful. I have other options and the gift of pause - both of which help me be different and possibly avoid an amends at a future time/day.
I'm sorry for your pain and love that you realize today is a new day! We grow, we learn, we share and we move on as best we can - One Day at a Time! You and your hubby are in a better place today and nothing can change the past, including yesterday. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Crau)) I am so sorry that this happened.While reflecting on your posts, I realized that sharing at Al-Anon meetings and with a sponsor helped me to learn to validate myself in such a way that being told about my past behaviors, I could acknowledge the truth and proceed to express where I am today.
We all grow at different rates and some never do. Being able to see progress is an indication of being alive and participating. The "no crosstalk rule" at meetings really did help me to learn to keep the focus on myself, not point figures and live in acceptance.
You got this and although you may have felt poorly,you did not react. Good work my friend
Thank you for sharing. I can also be hard on myself and look for who's to blame and often its me I blame. I think I learned that by enabling the drinkers in my life I did contribute to their drinking. I didnt know it was enabling or helping the disease continue and when I learned I did better and I try really hard to not enable although its hard when its your child. I think the whole 'blame' type of thinking is part of our disease, its a shortcoming, the black and white thinking really. Its also our distorted ego, if we blame ourselves for such a powerful disease then we have credited ourselves with huge ability and so this is our ego in play. Ive heard it described as having a huge ego with low self esteem, hard to imagine but describes me to a T.
