Well I can't say it's the happiest start to a summer holiday I've ever had but then, I think back and remember, this time last year I had a broken foot and was about to embark on a 4 month series of epic voyages between my bathroom and my couch, in a moon-boot. Paddling with my crutches. What a summer. By comparison, this is better and I'm starting to feel more positive. I will be alone for the entirety of the holiday period. That's not as terrifying as it once was, although it doesn't fill me with joy either. It is what it is, though, and I have learned, finally, that I do not have an obligation to moan and cry and make sure everyone knows that I am sad and hurt and lonely. I'm sick of sad and hurt and lonely anyway; it's a boring, thankless gig and I am over it.

I handed in an assignment last night and did an exam on Friday that went well. I passed all but one subject in the end which isn't bad, considering. Daughter got a much better report and has earned the new laptop I've been saving for all year and I'm glad, because I want her to have it and I wasn't going to relish saying no.

Christmas I will be spending alone, as she has decided she wants to spend the whole day with her father this year (I believe there is some kind of boxing day shopping involved, thanks for bribing her, A-H**e, is nothing sacred?) and I've come to terms with it now, although it took a while. I'd like to say I have great things planned but the fact is I volunteered to serve lunch to homeless peeps locally, the venue got back to me and said they have enough people already, and so I think I will stay up all night Christmas eve writing and then when the sun comes up, sleep until Christmas is over. People make all of these noble suggestions about "go to the beach" or "go climb a big hill (wtf?) " but I think I'll do my thing. Boxing day I will watch the DW Christmas special, alone (daughter is upset about this and wants me to wait? Um, no?). Maybe I'll go see Rogue 1 as well. Why not. I can eat a whole popcorn by myself. Ha.

Then I will also spend New Years Eve alone, and that, for some reason, upsets me this year. I guess, I have been really feeling the loneliness lately, and knowing that so many people are together and having fun really makes that harder to stomach. I never used to care; XA ruined every new years we ever tried to have until staying in became a real relief. Now, I want to be around people, and it hurts. Maybe I will go down to the bay, where people will be gathered on the pier and on the grass to watch the fireworks, and watch them alone. I don't know if that will make me feel better or worse but I think I'll do it anyway. Then I'll walk home and make one of my novel characters have a miserable new years watching fireworks alone. Then maybe I'll sing "you've got a friend in me" to my computer. Sigh.

Actually, you know what I could do, is take my laptop to one of the bars on the waterfront and sit there writing all night watching the festivities and fireworks. Oh. Yes. This just came to me as I was writing this and, just like that, I believe I have a better NYE plan. Woohoo, I think I like it. 

So I'm not thrilled with any of it, and I don't see why I should try to convince myself that I am, but I have choices, and feelings aren't facts...and that's the thing I am most grateful for right now. A few years ago, if I was faced with a holiday season like this, I would have been distraught, bitter, angry, and probably lashing out at people hoping they would "notice how hurt I was and fix it" or some such ineffective nonsense. But that's not me, anymore. I owe it to myself to NOT let fear and loneliness cause me to hurt or humiliate me. I can take those feelings out, look at the, acknowledge them, and then put them away and get on with doing what works best for me. And I think what I have planned is that.

January 2nd, summer school starts for me. Live classes with live people. I've scarcely interacted with another human being for nigh on six months so, I look forward to it a lot. My semester 1 classes are all on campus too, and the hours are better this year; I don't have to leave before daughter starts school and only one evening class so, I should manage it fine with no resistance from the kid. yay. I think there's room for a job in that schedule now too, and given how much I crave human beings, maybe I could stomach a few shifts a week in a shop or something; after working that festival the other week I remembered that customer service isn't all awful; you meet a lot of people and some of them make you laugh...

Anyway, that's me.. Not on cloud 9 or anything, but back in the game nonetheless. I'm headed for better times. This last 6 months felt terrible because I was stuck here inside this house constantly but in retrospect, well, I wrote 2 books. Maybe I'll edit them to perfection over summer and see about trying to get published. Maybe it was all for something...it usually is, isn't it?

I'll stop now, before the babbles take me over completely.

Love to all and thanks for letting me share.

(((everyone)))