The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few days after we had a convo about whether a Christmas show was at a theater on xyz road vs. xyz town, my husband got tickets without confirming. So today, we're driving 1.5 hours to xyz town to see the show. With dinner beforehand, the evening round trip will be close to 7 hours I hadn't planned to spend the weekend before Christmas. Mostly, I don't want to spend that much time in the car with him. Long periods of silence. Nothing of substance discussed. I don't want to take his car since it stinks of weed. I will have to drive since he will want to drink. But should I go and try to enjoy an evening with my husband, who continues to want to spend time with me? This I don't understand-- I find our time together superficial and empty, while he will say how much fun he had. Makes me sad to write this. My counselor has suggested that perhaps he can't love me the way I want to be loved. I wonder if I've withdrawn too much to even recognize what a good time would be.
Road trip to be repeated on Christmas Eve when we go to visit his son in another town. They will exchange and sample gifts of expensive liquor. How do I have appropriate boundaries about this? I can insist on driving of course, but I'm not interested in a boozy Christmas Eve. If I don't go, I feel I'm abandoning him in front of his son.
ESH, please. F2F meeting this morning will help also.
(((MCat))) - I hear you loud and clear. My AH is less active now than years before, because of health reasons. We almost always take separate cars every place as we're rarely on the same page. I have no issue being the DD for anyone and have done so before....I wrap my mind around this by considering it service work.
We recently took a road trip and I invited him - as for 20 years, he's never, ever, ever said Yes....well - he said Yes this time so we went on an 18 hour road trip. I banked as much program as I could and off we went. I drove the entire way - which was good...keeps me focused on the present. I also had my ear buds and put them in quite often. He wanted to listen to talk radio and sports on the radio in the car and I had a Plan B.
I kept an open mind and it went surprisingly well. I stayed present and looked for the good in each moment, and it still went surprisingly well. We had some hiccups but that's normal and I used my tools to get through them. I am one who believes in 2nd chances and trying things with a different attitude/approach. Each challenge I put myself into teaches me something!
Just be you and do you. My hope is that you have a great time which eases your concerns about the next trip. Know that we are here as best we can be for you! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks hotrod and IAH. I did keep an open mind and had a good time. We had an early dinner at a very empty restaurant. H didn't drink but noticed a man sitting close by TALKING WAY TOO LOUD (about the number of chromosomes Christ had?!) He was obviously drunk but very wise and learned LOL. Small town theater company sang carols before the show, and I thought I was going to sob uncontrollably. They get me every time. I need to immerse myself in some music and let it all out before I put my makeup on. Sheesh. Show was a radio program presentation of It's a Wonderful Life. Again, very moving. The suggestion to stay in the moment was just what I needed. Made it home safely.
I shared that I don't often consider the impact I've had on others' lives. He shared that sometimes he feels it might be better if he'd never been born. Grateful for both insights.
Great results Mcat i am happy for you. It sounds as if you and hubby shared an intimate connection. i love how you overheard an insane conversation that you did not have to participate in.
I really enjoy radio presentation of plays as I have attended a few and found them fun. They bring me back to childhood and when i listened to plays on the radio. Now I really showing my age.
So happy for you that you were able to enjoy and stay present! Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting results that are the direction you are heading!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In discussing holiday plans, I told H I wanted to drive on Xmas Eve if he would be sampling the gifts of liquor he exchanges with his son. He said he just won't sample. I said, that's fine, but I don't want to drive with you if you've been drinking. Later, I mentioned a movie house we haven't visited and he said, well they serve alcohol so we can't go. I said, lots of theaters we go to serve alcohol. And dropped the rope. I'm feeling peaceful and not like I need to engage in arguments about this. If he has a specific concern he wants to address, he can voice it, and we will discuss. I will not guess at what's bothering him and manage the situation or conversation for him.
After counseling last night, he's been saying that maybe we're not compatible and he just needs to leave, because he can't talk to me (express feelings) the way I say I need to relate in a relationship. I'm doing me. Focusing on what I can control and a la Jerry, asking HP to bless him and change me. It's a good day.
Change of plans. He DOES want to sample alcohol with his son, so he wants me to drive now. But he won't get intoxicated. Is driving enabling or simply protecting myself and others on the road? Thinking about my choices besides fuming as the sampling goes into overdrive -- take a drive, play a game, pray in bathroom, ask my sister to call me about two hours into the visit .... Two out of four of us will be drinking. I'll work on staying in the moment. I don't feel I can leave him and drive 1.5 hours home. I don't have to project. What are those Yule tools???
In moments like this, I truly have to consider my choices. I then make decisions based on what makes sense. As my sanity was restored working the program I got better at boundaries that I was comfortable with. I had to love me enough to put me first which then allowed me to practice, "what other people think of me is not my business."
So sorry for the added stress - pray about it and stay one day at a time...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Day went well. I "did me" and was happy with the outcome. Lots of pain right now from arthritic knees and waiting for steroids to kick in. I did what was comfortable and didn't try to do what I thought others expected. Worked great. Sang along to carols on the radio on the drive there. Left in middle of a movie (I didn't want to watch, not sure why we started it when we should've been leaving) to gas up the car and that was a nice break. Something I never would've done in the past. Baby steps in my big girl panties. So appreciate the encouragement. Happy Christmas!
I really, really don't believe in "enabling". If we believe in the 1st step and that we have no power over others, there is nothing you will do or don't do that will make a difference in what he does..... well, you can chain him in the basement, I guess! You can only be healthy and put the focus on yourself and know your own motivations. It really is service work to save the lives of others and drive when you know he will not be competent in his driving.
