The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH went into rehab in November,after leaving he begged me to help him find help. So I found him a rehab unit. Since he has been out he was fine. Doing the work, meeting, counselors etc. Then about a week ago he totally withdrew from me. Seeking to find answers I checked our cell phone bill and found a number calling him at like 8 am and talking for long periods of time through the day. I reverse searched the number and got a womans name. I went to Facebook - searched the name and found her. He was her FB friend and his sisters FB friend. I found out from his sister they knew each other in school, but he had never been close to her. I confronted him with the information and asked who she was and He said WTF we have been friends since high shcool. he got mad...long story short- that evening he tells me he loves me but isnt IN love with me anymore. and doesnt know what he wants. I tried to talk to her on FB(and yes I was very nice even thanked her if she was helping him by talking) well...she read it and instantly blocked me. Hes just angry and wont talk to me - I asked him if he wasnt me at home he says he doesnt care. Thoughts? This all happened on his 30th day sober also. Im staying at my sisters for the time being becasue of the negativity i am getting is unhealthy. Im just lost...
Big hugs Doxie, I'm so sorry for your pain. My XAH did a similar dance only his wasn't because of rehab. He wasn't getting his "feel goods" from me so he had an affair with a woman at work. Turns out it was a long term thing. They are no longer together and I'm sure he was lying to her the same way he lied to me. I see better now as to why he did what he did .. I'm not going to rationalize it because it was very painful for me. I got the I don't love you I never did speech. It has to be very difficult to face someone plus daily responsibilities and know he was failing miserably on all standards. I have noticed affairs seem to be very common both in and out of recovery. My suggestion to you is figure out what you want. Right now he's showing you who he is and he's not even focused on recovery if he's looking for outside sources. I'm not saying leave or stay .. I'm asking when you have clarity what do you want? While he's doing whatever .. You do you ... Look for your own happiness without him while you figure it out .. This means meetings working the steps and doing the hard work to get clarity for you. My answer was to leave because I deserve to be with someone who values me and not with someone who because of their own guilt can't Look me in the eye and have some kind of integrity. I have meet someone new after 5 years and things are so much better. My XAH is still doing hours lying and so on .. Now it's to someone new. Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Doxie))) Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am so sorry that you are enduring such a painful time with this dreadful disease and would like to point out that 30 days sober is very early on in recovery. The diseasei s indeed cunning and powerful and although we did not cause it and cannot control it, we can learn to take care of ourselves in the process of recovery.
In order to maintain your serenity and sanity. I suggest that instead of trying to figure out what's going on with him that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend.
Al-Anon is a recovery program set up for family members who are living with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. Living with the insanity and attempting to cope with the daily challenges affect us all in a very negative manner. So much so that the best I would suggest is that you find Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. It is here that you will find people who understand as perhaps you others can and be able to break the isolation caused by living with this disease.
It is impossible to attempt to understand what is going on in the relationship at this point. Attending Al-Anon meetings and developing new tools to live by will help you to understand what you need and want going forward.
Welcome to MIP Doxie - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I encourage you to attend Al-Anon meetings. Whether he is just friends or more, whether he is 30 days sober or active in the disease, recovery for you will help with support and understanding. In my recovery, I have learned that it never, ever, ever is helpful for me to assume anything or project unknown outcomes. My mind can whirl up all kinds of fantasy things - mostly resulting from living with this disease, and rarely is the outcome close to what I expected/imagined.
We learn in recovery the many ways that the disease is another affects us. We learn how to focus on us, set boundaries and detach from the behaviors and actions of others so our well-being is not directly related to what they are/are not doing.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
