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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> then and now
Post Info TOPIC: then and now
joker


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Date:
then and now
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I was reading on line here and I question my relationship with the alcoholic in my life and my feelings now. When I first met him, 2.5 years ago, I felt so in love and just adored him. I was willing to spend the rest of my life with him and have bliss. However, as his drinking increased and his behaviors became insane, verbal abuse, physical abuse, call downs, taking my inventory, telling me what to do, manipulation, anger outbursts at me, cheating on me with his ex-wife, staying out all night, threats of physical abuse, drunkenness and keeping me up all night, yelling and swearing at me, ect...I have emotionally shut down toward him. I have no feelings of love or desire to love him anymore. I feel numb toward him. I feel like he is a friend only and the bliss and hope I had of US is gone. The feeling of being so in love with him of the past is gone. It has been ripped out of me by his actions and words. I question myself daily, is this as good as it gets. Is this it..bliss. I feel no joy, laughter, playfulness, excitement about being with him. I have lost all the in love feelings I once had toward him. I know this is a cycle for me...in love in the beginning and then numb and its time to move on. Is it me or just the way alcoholism has stolen from me. What I allow to be stolen from me? I just can not see the good things about him, all I see is the bad and ugly. I have been let down so much that I have become numb. Just when I start to feel love toward him and feel hopeful about us, our future, he goes on a drunk and the cycle of abuse begins again and I am let down. I just do not know how to love him anymore. I have given up and I am trying to just let things unfold as it should. He keeps saying we need to get legally married..I am so scared, because then I will be hurt and nothing will change. I am saying to him, where is the money to get married...I do not have it and neither does he. I feel I am just wasting his and my time...we are just in limbo and I just do not feel ready to be legally married and owned by a man with an addiction issue. I have told him marriage is a serious issue and you need to be ready. Maybe I am afraid of commitment. I just do not know anymore all I know is I feel numb and not in love as I once thought I did. Maybe I am bored with the same old same old and need excitement in my life...I just do not know anymore. What is love anyways...how do you love? Just some feelings that are coming to surface for me today. Any feed back would be good. Thanks.                            



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MovieGal


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Posts: 13
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After having married into 26 years of this I wish I had run as fast as I could have that first year.

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El


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 628
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I entered this marriage knowing my H was an alcoholic.  It didn't happen or show itself after the fact. I knew it and felt it would  be fine. I loved him.  I am making it work for myself, but it is and has been work.  Quite often I have kicked myself for thinking it would be fine and should have done an "about face" early on while dating him. 

Numerous times you mentioned you no longer have feelings of love for him.  Do you think that will change after marriage?  Just a question for you....

I am happy with my life and I do love my H.  I don't always like him, but I am sure he feels that way about me at times also. He is a good man, but trapped under his disease. However, I do have feelings of love for him....that is what gets me through.



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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In a way I agree Movie Gal-- In retrospect I do see that because of this disease and having to cope with it, I have grown as a person and developed more compassion, empathy and principles than had I not had to interact with it. So living with the disease of alcoholism is a challenge and without Al-Anon would've been impossible.
Learning to let go of fantasies and unrealistic romantic expectations may have been difficult but important to my growing up and becoming a loving compassionate human being.

I too knew my hubby was an alcholic when we married but felt I could handle it. aww  Thanks to alanon I did and am grateful that I learned to love unconditionally 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
LinSC


Senior Member

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Posts: 375
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"I feel like he is just a friend" a friend would not treat you like he does. He wants to get married because he wants to treat you abusively forever? More than likely if you haven't left yet he knows you won't leave after you are married. Think, consider, weigh things out, chose what's best for YOU, love yourself, you are worth it. Linsc



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2HP


Senior Member

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Posts: 494
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I married a man who harmed me long before I made the decision to commit to him. After the wedding, I assumed he would simply grow out of his childish partying mentality....

Thirty years later I sat in Al-anon, doing personal inventory only to discover the part I had played in my own suffering. I chose this man because he would treat me precisely as I expected to be treated. Since I didnt think much of myself, he reflected that back to me. My beliefs about my self worth had everything to do with my experience, I manifested my own beliefs.

But the solution wasnt about getting HIM to change and shape up and treat me better....

The solution is about me caring for ME as one of God's own and an equal... it had to begin with me changing my beliefs. When I began to love myself on my own... with no one else in the picture... when I began to cherish my own company and love my life again.... a wonderful partner just showed up quite naturally to share it with me.

My life unfolded the way it did for my benefit. It wasn't meant to punish me but to wake me up. Love had to begin with me... LET IT BEGIN WITH ME.... giving myself what I so desperately want from others. Giving power away to others was an error, but one that I could change.

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el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5075
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That's some list for a 2 yr relationship joker. That's big danger signs. It wasn't that long ago you had to flee for your life from this guy. I suggest you get a sponsor who can take you through the steps to begin to make changes that are good for you. There is freedom from the madness of the disease. I got it lots of us here got it. You deserve it.

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Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
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I believe all people, alcoholic or not, are on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. I believe this continues until a time (different for all) when the real person comes 'out'.....some show themselves better than imagined and others show themselves worse than imagined. I have to remind myself in all my relationships that we are all imperfect folks living in an imperfect world doing what we believe to be our best....and that varies also by person.

I have written about this before - I don't believe love is a feeling. I view that initial 'rush' of emotion when a new potential partner is found to be lust or infatuation. It may have to do with the other person or it may have to do with excitement that someone has an interest in 'me'....in any case, that's not love. Love is not a feeling - it's a decision. The word gets thrown around today almost as 'like'. I still am one who sees the value in the old fashion ways of courtship, dating, long engagement, etc. The more you are around someone the more they will show you and the better you can judge if you are compatible or not.

I do know that before recovery, I attracted 'less than stellar' partners. This has to do with my willingness to settle for anyone who showed me some level of attention. Not even respect - just attention. I then proceeded to move forward and without trying or intent, often showed them how to treat me by not putting myself and my needs first. BLUF - Bottom Line Up Front - how can I expect to love anyone or be loved by anyone when I don't know how to love myself? This is one of many gifts in this program - love of self.

I met and married another recovering alcoholic in the program with 6-7 years of sobriety. We dated for a few years before we married. I never considered a relapse as he had a great program. Yet - it happened and he never returned to the program. It's been an interesting journey....

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> then and now