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I used to be the most trusting person in the world and now I'm completely opposite. Trust is earned, I've realized through this journey. I wish I had clear eyes again, saw the good in everyone and trusted everyone as I did before. I've become cautious of motives behind things and assume
I'm being manipulated all the time because I had been for so long. My kind gentle nature has turned angry and synical and I don't like it. It's impacting my relationships past, present and future. I am the one that has control over me, I know, but the past has scarred me so. In a moment when I feel like I'm healed, old wounds resurface and things trigger my anxiety. Each day is a work towards a better future but some days feel daunting and discouraging. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I know I need to reconnect with myself and find what makes me feel like I'm ready to trust again. Today was not a shining moment in my practicing all that I've learned. In need to trust in myself first that I'm on the right path, maybe then I can trust those around me. As we say...one day at a time..
I think it is good to know limits. I don't know about whether I gave trust that much. I.think I was naive
The irony is that I am still as needy as before. The difference is I own my needs.
I own them I know them. I honor them
I am also cyn8cal but I.dont see it as a bad thing
Maresie25
Hello Crau, I am in the throes of anger as well. I don't have any hope to share. It's hard when you've been lied to repeatedly. We have become just as sick as the alcoholic, we have allowed their actions to change our core being.
I used to be so trusting. As I go along in my recovery I'm seeing that my overly-trusting nature was really just my searching for acceptance. (This is just my deal - not suggesting this is also a trait for you)
You've identified a part of you that was changed by alcoholism, that is the first step towards healing it. That is a wonderful thing. Keep going!
(((Hugs)))
Crau The Steps have been designed to help us discard all the negative destructive tools we developed in order to live with and survive the disease of alcoholism. Denying our truth and reality helped us to accept unacceptable behavior and convince ourselves that everything was OK. . Being able to see the truth and decide to help ourselves is what program is all about. Learning to trust our instincts and to say what we mean and mean what we say is an extremely important part of recovery I found that by practicing program, I learned to trust HP, then myself and finally to extend that trust outward. As long as I kept the focus on myself and HP, examined my motives I knew I would not be destroyed by trusting too much
I feel trust is one of those ideas that I had fixed opinions on before, I believed it was based on others, if they behaved as I expected then they got on the good list and I could trust them. If they behaved differently than from my expectations then I came to many conclusions like they had let me down, poor me, they couldn't ever be trusted again, very reactive to the behaviours of others. My black and white thinking.
Through working this program I have learned that trust isnt about what others do or dont do, its all about me. The question isnt can they be trusted but can I trust myself to do the right thing? Can I trust myself to care enough about me to have proper boundaries to protect me. Trust in myself comes from me trusting my higher power has got my back and that if someone does not behave as I had expected then the work is within me and I can trust that the situation or person is there for a reason to offer me a learning experience. In this way I get to not be a victim to anyone, I vowed this a long time ago. I wont be anyone's victim because its never been true and its part of my own thinking disease. I can trust the world to be filled with people who are complex and made of both positives and negatives and so what can anyone really do to hurt me, really? I think its all about our own attitudes, all of it.
I'm with el-cee on this - I came into the program with all kinds of black/white thinking and my 'trust' was totally based on how I viewed other's actions and words as well as how I perceived their affect on me. I took everything personal, and when others behaved badly, I assumed it was done 'to me' and I often just discarded them instead of seeing my part in it and trying to learn how I can do/be better. I wear a victim hat often, and when I wasn't wearing that one, I easily could put on my martyr hat or my controlling hat or my angry hat or ..... I did not trust myself and therefore certainly appeared to be looking for reasons to distrust others.
I love what Betty wrote too - until I worked the steps diligently and honestly, I continued with some black/white thinking. I gained some hope and relief from just attending meetings and reading the literature. For my recovery, it was not enough. These gave me fellowship and a bit of peace but my thinking was still distorted and I still looked outside myself for blame, answers and happiness.
When I began working the steps, I found a new freedom in how I thought and processed. I learned that my past was not filled with my failures or the failures of another. Instead, I was able to see it as learning and growing opportunities. The steps helped me stop seeing things as good and bad, but instead just as is. I was able to stop falling into despair each time chaos came, and replace that with constructive tools and thinking processes.
I actually came into Al-Anon not trusting anyone because of my pain. I've flipped that and now believe all of those I encounter are a child of my creator and trust them until/unless I am given a practical reason not to. I also no longer discard others as disposable, but instead establish boundaries for my sanity/peace.
If you're short on time (darn holiday season), you can always do some mini step work - just focus on trust.....my sponsor helped me see my biggest obstacle between me and serenity was me - my thoughts, my values and my attitudes. How I used to see things was vastly different than others, and I had to come to a place of acceptance.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
great honest post thank you for sharing. And thank you for so many of the responses. It is a very interesting topic for me. I grew up very fearful yet overly trusting of others. What I discovered was I had a lot of fear, a complete lack of boundaries, and no faith in myself or my own judgement. That led me to a lot of pain and heartache and sadness. I had to learn to regain trust in myself again. Trust in my own judgement and decisions. I will never know if I can fully trust others but I can trust myself. I know that I can make good decisions for me. I know that I can set a boundary with someone if needed. I trust myself to be able to manage if I find someone disappointments me or lets me down. I can trust my higher power to guide me when I need help the most. Learning how to trust myself and my HP is one of the greatest gifts this program has given me.
As always I appreciate the perspectives shared. Trusting others and trusting myself are two very related and some would say same things. I will first give focus to how to trust in myself the decisions I make...
Aloha Crau...Trust was higher education lessons for me in Al-Anon as for sure I wouldn't trust my alcoholic/addict wife because she so often didn't measure up to it. I struggled with it for so long and had a sit down with my sponsor on the subject where I blurbed that my expectations were so often trashed. He asked me why do you trust her for things you know she is not able to meet? Duh...I just did and then had to admit that it was unfair to her for me to do that and that it was a set up for failure for her from me. She could not and would not fulfill my expectations as a drunk as an alcoholic and so I stopped doing it and started practicing "qualified expectations" my expectations were built around what she could, would and had the habit of meeting and much of my anxiety went away which led to treating her with grace, allowing her to be the alcoholic/addict she was without judgements.
There is a page in our ODAAT daily reader where the write speaks about the willingness to do whatever it took to help his alcoholic get well except getting off of her back. I love that page and the spiritual idea on it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
trust with me has always gone hand in hand with truth which is my creed. So much lying and distrust was prevelant in my marriage. I find myself mistrusting my boyfriend and so will question the smallest things. I dont know if this is the correct way, but i imediately tell him and ask him to explain his actions/etc I do this very softly and he understads and doesnt get upset because he knows where it comes from. Guess pray and time will help me trust more in the future.
Story of my life!! I have gone from being very independent and trusting to being very cautious and sometimes even pessimistic. The absolute worst part of my story (and I am brand new to Al-Anon, but not new to 12 step programs) is that I am in a beautiful relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober just over a year. We've been in a relationship for a year, though we have been friends for much longer than that. My own insecurities and past relationship trauma threaten my happiness, and I don't want them to threaten this relationship. It is the healthiest relationship I've had to date, and I'm 38 yrs old.
I'm coming to Al-Anon because I want what my boyfriend (and so many of our friends) has - serenity!! He works an awesome program, and together we've surrounded ourselves with people from our (his) AA homegroup. They are our "family" and friends. They are who we spend time with socially and attend meetings (AA) with regularly. I attend many of the AA meetings with him, with the exception of the Men's groups he goes to occasionally. I feel I benefit every bit as much as the others. I see soooo many similarities between my struggles and "theirs". Honestly I fit into Al-Anon, OA, and CODA, but I think Al-Anon will help the other 2 troublesome parts of me. I have an actively alcoholic mother, and of course my boyfriend as I've already mentioned. Most of my large extended family drinks and old friends from back home. I moved to Arizona to start a new life and it has been a year of growth for me -- I need to get into the Steps and work my own program to continue that growth and find my own peace and happiness.
Welcome Nikki I am happy that you are here .Thanks for sharing your experience strength and hope with us. Alanon tools will be extremely helpful as you face life on life's terms so please do keep coming back.
I would like to mention that both AA and Alanon are anonymous programs and we who post our own pictures elect to break our own anonymity but posting pictures of others is not recommended
Aloha Nikki and welcome to the board I am also a double starting with Al-Anon and then adding AA My qualifiers are both sides of my family generations back and one would think my family was trying its best to extend the life/age of Alcoholism into a millennia with the practice of our disease. You sound as if you are qualified for the Family Groups and I also encourage you to come home to it with your desire to work it. It saved my life and continues to do so. Keep in mind the alert Betty aired about anonymity as the spiritual foundation of our programs. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Yes, I wasn't really thinking when I posted the original profile picture. I've since changed it to me and the other boy in my life, my puppy. I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.
My bf and I have done quite well when it comes to communicating and I shared some of my frustration as I prepare to start the steps. His sponsor told him once "trust God, love people" I hope to implement that into my daily life.
Welcome to MIP Nikki - glad you found us and glad that you shared! I too am a double winner - started with the other side and then found me way to Al-Anon. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in our recovery... I love that, "Trust God, Love People" - filing it away in my toolbox!!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
