The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Glad I found this board. I hope to find a meeting at a good time where I live in New York, but thank goodness for the Internet!
I have nobody to talk to about my boyfriend. I've unfortunately dated an alcoholic before, and have been to Al-Anon, which has me realizing how many issues I have with whom I pick as partners. While I love him, I'm increasingly feeling like there's three of us in this relationship, and I will always lose out to the power of alcohol. He recognizes he has issues, but isn't willing to really take any concrete action like attend meetings, see a therapist, and even the idea that there are non-religious AA groups is something he scoffs at (he hate the religious aspect - while I understand that, I believe in getting help where you can). There is always some other crisis to deal with, and because I've been busy with school I've turned the other eye to the level of dysfunction. We've had discussions about the drinking, and he knows I'm upset, but I know - he's powerless to do anything. There have been many moments where I'm starting to realize the level of addiction in ways I didn't see before.
The difficulty now is financial as I try and figure out next steps and if this relationship is what I want anymore, and if it's beyond any kind of hope for change, how we can separate and even manage that financially. I'm in grad school full time and feeling beyond stressed; having another concern to consider - like if my boyfriend is blacking out, or drinking 6 beers a day - is draining me, and I have no reserves and friends to help me refill the reserves. The idea of the pain of a split up and the nightmare of moving (couch surfing essentially) while wrapping up school terrifies me. I'm barely holding it all together as it is. He may be willing to get couples counseling and do 'anything' to keep me, but suspect he won't be able to take concrete steps about his disease.
I really don't know what I'm asking - think I just needed to vent and really feel so alone in this.
Welcome JALA I am glad that you found us and are already familiar with the principles of alanon meetings and the basic alanon principles. Good News is that I live in NYC and there are many, many meetings starting in the early morning to late at night that are available, Here, as you know, you will find support from those who truly understand and powerful literature to guide you through this difficult time.
Hey JALA - I too send a warm welcome to you. Glad that you found us and glad that you posted. As you probably know, alcoholism is progressive and is never cured. It can be treated with recovery - there is more than AA if he's willing to look around. I am a double winner and arrived at AA first a long while ago. I was also turned off by the God part as religion had been forced upon me and down my throat my entire childhood. Yet I knew that to continue on as I was would mean one of two things - Jail/Prison (again) or death (close).
I landed in Al-Anon when my oldest child became active in the disease. I thought my life should be over and that I had failed him and was just so broken that I could not fix him or lead him to a better way. My ego suggested because I had all this AA recovery in me, I should be able to give him the gift of sobriety/serenity. That's just not the way life/recovery/program works, and he had to find his own way, his own bottom and travel his own journey. It's been a wild ride and very painful at times.
However, going to Al-Anon meetings, working the steps with a sponsor and practicing the principles of the program as best I can each day has restored me to sanity. I no longer feel it's my fault nor my fight. I am able to support him without enabling him and learned to set up boundaries to keep me serene/sane. The program gave all this to me - I'd tried many ways to get to the same point, and just could not without Al-Anon.
I so encourage you to find and attend meetings. They gave me instant support and a safe place to share my deepest, darkest secrets/shame/etc. I walked into my first meeting full of fear, hopeless and feeling helpless and left with a little hope and a bunch of phone numbers. I was no longer alone unless I chose that for me.
The program works if we work it and recovery saved my soul. I am one who readily admits my picker is broken - I not only had issues with partners I selected, I attracted the sickest person in the room as 'friends'....and then tried to fix, lead, control, change them too. It never dawned on me that I could get sane enough to attract healthier friends and 'hang with the winners' - which is my preference now.
Keep coming back - you are worth it!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha JALA and welcome to the board. Stick around and read everything you can from the membership as we were where you are at now at sometime in the past before we found the program also, entered and then allowed ourselves to be led by the Experience, Strength and Hope of those who came before us. We are not "cookie cutter" fellows and so the experiences are wide...very wide and free to be practiced, practiced, practiced by those helped by them. We all have our stories; some of them more like others and many of uniqueness. We arrived with our fears and doubts and faulty thinking and self centered denial and in spite of our non-working tools we stayed; sat down with wide open minds and listened....we listened to everything, took what we like and left the rest for later or never. The fellowship I listened to was awesome and I hated it and at the same time I wanted what they had...the peace of mind and serenity whether my alcoholic/addict wife drank or not, practiced her infidelity or not, lied cheated and stole or not. We practiced the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction together and I stopped. I learned to surrender and abandon my self to a power greater than myself and follow the footsteps of those who came before me.
You are not alone at all...if you have the capacity to be humble...to be teachable...you are on your way. Turn your alcoholic over to a god of your understanding and keep coming back here often.
In support. (((((Hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 11th of December 2016 08:19:21 PM
