The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays c2c discusses our ability to determine acceptable from unacceptable behavior. How can we possibly determine what is acceptable and what isn't when we have been living in insanity and we have no idea what we ourselves need?
A 4th step inventory can help us identify our own traits that we like, traits that we don't and traits that might seem negative but are actually things we need to develop and refine. When we have a clearer picture of ourselves, it's easier to identify what behaviours from others we like, which ones challenge us and which ones are completely unnaceptable to us. Once we know this, we know our own limits and we can confidently step forward and state what we will and wont accept.
The reading reminds us that boundaries are not about expecting others to change; they are about understanding and being able to state our own limits.
"He that respects himself is safe from others, he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce" (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow).
***
Today is my brother's 31st birthday. Last night, just after midnight, as I was about to call him, my mother started bombarding me with messages; "what time was your brother born?"
(I don't know mum, I was like 9 years old?) "Aren't you meant to know this stuff?" "Don't you remember?" "How can you not remember?" "You're meant to be the one who knows these things".
Today, I know who I am and someone else telling me what I am "meant to be" doesn't mean much. It did once; I would have been upset; trying to figure out the answer to her question so that I could meet her expectation. I would have been so determined to live up to her expectation that all thoughts of myself and serenity would have gone out the window. I would have gone nuts trying to get it right, calling my grandma, looking through records etc and lost all sight of what I wanted to do, which was call him and say, happy birthday.
My 4th step helped me to understand who I am and what my strengths are without input from anyone else. I am not the family record keeper. I am, however, a sister who really cares about her brother so I excused myself from her BS and called him at work to wish him a happy birthday, which was what i was going to do in the first place. He didn't ask me what time he was born...he was just pleased to hear from me. Because we are close, and I'm good at being a sister, and I think he knows that I love him to pieces. And I like that I know that about myself now, and I don't get caught up in anyone else's expectations of me.
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 10th of December 2016 02:40:17 AM
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 10th of December 2016 08:30:25 PM
Thanks for sharing your thought on this important Step and reading. I found that examining my motives helped me to see my (even so very good behavior) for what it was, an effort to manipulate others to do what I wanted. My insanity was so great that I thought that my compassion, empathy, and generosity were "defects" and needed to be removed. Thank goodness for sponsors who pointed out that my kindness, compassion etc were all assets and that it was simply my drivers(motives) that were defects. I needed to have HP remove my desire to manipulate and control and then (as I found out) I could give with no thought of getting. How great is that!!
Thanks for your continued service
Thank you MissM for sharing this reading and for your ESH. I really like this page for its guidance on the topic of setting boundaries.
There is no magic, nor much need or value, in telling others what I've determined my boundaries to be. A boundary is not something I set, announce, and expect others to observe and respect. It is the line that I have come to know and respect as something I cannot allow to be crossed without taking action to maintain my respect, health and serenity.
Keeping the focus and expectations of change upon myself rather than on my qualifier or others is a key AlAnon principle and mandatory for my recovery and serenity. Very grateful that for every question, there is always an answer in the AFG pages
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
