The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I think of the way I used to live while living within the insanity of the disease it makes me so grateful for Alanon. I was thinking about the things I thought were 'normal' or okay or at the very least I thought just passing phases. I must have known they weren't normal because I kept it all a secret so i was embarrassed and ashamed. Now I know I dont ever have to live that way again, I wont, ever. If my program has taught me anything its that I deserve a good life.
I was thinking about how I used to keep my keys, bank cards, money and phone inside my bra. No kidding, cant actually believe that when I think of it now but thats what I did. This disease made thieves and cunning foxes and abusers out of the ones I loved so thats what I did. I hid jewellery inside photo frames. Some of it is still inside those frames. Some of it I couldnt save and is long gone.
I would go to work in the midst of all this chaos, my phone, money and keys all back in the normal world of handbags and pockets and then at night back they went inside my bra!!! lol, its funny to think of this but its a reminder to me of how far I have came. Ive made a solemn vow to me that I wont go back to that life, it was like a dark secret life full of fear and hostility and I hated going home at night. No way and thank you Alanon for lifting me from these depths.
Love your reflections LC. I too make it a habit to look back at my growth each year and marvel at the progress and serenity that I have found and embraced.
I can remember early on in program when people talked about serenity, i would think "Serenity sounds so boring" until I felt it for the first time. It was magical and grasped on and wanted it more and more. Thanks for your shares and smiles everyone--I ill put on my bra today and think of each of you.:)
Lol! Oops ok, I must admit after posting earlier, LC, I did erm, go and retrieve an envelope of cash I had hidden in the house for no reason other than my own bonkersness! It is now in the bank, like normal people do!
Oh Betty, yes! When I heard people talking of calmness and serenity I used to think how BORING! I was so wrong. It is lovely.
I tell you what is boring - running around like a manic headless chicken! Boring and exhausting.
This brought me a chuckle....I can so relate! The 'normal' of living in/with this disease is truly almost funny now. I am so grateful my life is simpler today and I feel safe in my own piece of the world. I readily admit - I still have a cash stash here (as well as at a few other homes - parents, brother, etc.) but I am still living with one active A so my go plans remain. It's way better than when there were 3 here!
I kept everything in my car, including the spare key. I kept my car key with me all the time - had to find sweat pants with belt loops to attach my keys too!!! My insanity - oh boy.....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh boy, I can relate! I used to hide money in places in the house just in case i needed to get out. I also hid car keys from him so that he wouldn't take off at 1 AM to get more booze when he's already in a blackout, ugh!
I remember some of the insane things I have done and I'm happily going to list these here for newcomers just so they know they are not alone:
I hid money
I wrote down the mileage on my car so I could check to see if he was taking MY car instead of his, since his had the breathalyzer in his own vehicle
I tracked him on his Apple ID act so that I could see just which bars he was going to and catch him in his lies later at home and then think that I was better than him
I followed him
I had a getaway bag hidden in my own car in case he turned violent (which I still feel was important but it shows just how bad things had gotten)
I programmed his psychiatrist's phone number into my phone in case he had a psychotic episode again
I tattled on him to the DMV after he lied to the judge and tried to blame me for his abuse of the breathalyzer. I thought it was my right to make the truth be known, even though the judge didn't believe him and still sentenced him to more time with that damn thing on our car.
I acted shocked when the limo company called and told me they had picked him up at the strip club. I knew he had been there, I saw it on my Apple ID tracker and knew exactly where he was. I just didn't know he took a limo back to his hotel and that he would leave his phone in the car, lol.
So, yes, I'm in total agreement with you! Never going back there again!!!
As an aside here, my bf recently linked his Apple ID account to mine and when I logged onto an app, his information came up and I was like, "Oh hell no! I don't want to know where he is, what he's doing, who he's with, etc even if he's at home sleeping on the couch, lol!"
I truly have no desire to go back to the craziness and I see my own red flags. I can't believe I did the things I did, honestly. This disease turned me into someone that I don't recognize and I'm so glad I found recovery and the support from the rooms of Al Anon for the past 5 years!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
ok this reminds me of mine. As a young child, I would go to the garage to see if my drunken parent's car was in there. It was better than going through the house looking, because I could get caught in a long ickgetmeouttahere conversation. That's nuts.
I too am ever going there again. Never taking a garage attendance or sticking around when I don't like it.
