The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, first time here. Haven't talked to anyone yet about this. DH is 75 yo, grew up with functioning alcoholics. Drank heavily when we were first married - but socially. Didn't drink for years and years. Our social set was mostly church folk and we really weren't around drinkers. This summer he started bringing ale into the house and had 1 a night, now it is wine. Usually limited to that unless football game, etc. Seen him drunk once, and impaired once. This probably doesn't sound like much, except: he is very ritualistic about how he drinks, doesn't want to talk about it, etc. The one big alarm was a trip to see adult children over Thanksgiving. Son has recently begun AA. I suggested that DH not drink in his presence as a sign of support and respect. He accused me of asking him to give it up, and how could he enjoy himself when the other guys were drinking. It was very self-centered and childish. I have lived long enough and know myself well enough that I listen to my own concerns, BUT I grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist family where there was no ETOH and drinking was B-A-D. So I sometimes doubt my ability to asses. But I am anxious all the time, checking the amount of wine in the bottle, crying etc.
I am planning on getting to an Alanon mtg this week - for ME - cause I'm a mess over this.
So, this doesn't sound like the typical Alanon story. Am I overreacting?
It is great to read that you are heading to a face to face meeting this week and also to see you focusing on your own needs and thought processes, both things that you can change if that is what you want to do. Trying to change or influence others has never worked well for me, even though I've tried really hard to pull it off sometimes!
I remember my days of checking bottles and crying my eyes out - sometimes I cried for no particular reason. Alanon has helped me so much and I am sure that you will find benefits as well. So yes, I recognise some of my own behaviours in your post although I think that our reactions just makes us human.
How do you feel about your son beginning AA? It sounds as if you are doing a good job of leaving him to his own recovery but I completely understand your concern for his well being as well.
My husband is my qualifier so my experience relates to how I behaved when he stopped drinking. At the time some friends did ask me how they should behave re having a glass of wine when we went out for dinner. I always suggested that they simply behave in whatever way felt normal and comfortable for them. If my husband was uncomfortable with them having a glass of wine that was for him to deal with - it was an experience he was likely to have at some point or other anyway and I think that he coped with it really well. If our friends felt uncomfortable having a glass of wine in my husband's company, that was their's to deal with. If I was trying to control my friends, and therefore my husband's experience of their company, then that is my issue. I chose to let them all get on with making their own decisions and I'm pretty sure that I would have felt a lot more anxiety if I had been trying to take responsibility for the whole situation rather than just sitting back and enjoying the lovely company and friendship.
Welcome JustJenna, Alanon stories vary and the program has been designed to help anyone who is troubled by another's drinking. You sound as if you could fit in Easily.
Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease, developing new tools to live and a supportive understanding network all help to restore hope. You are not alone
I too send warm welcomes to you JustJenna! So glad to hear that you are headed to an Al-Anon meeting this week. What I love about recovery is the only requirement for membership is that YOU are affected by the drinking of a family member or friend. It doesn't suggest the qualifier has to be a fall-down daily drunk - it just helps us to focus on what we can see/change/heal - US!!
No matter the circumstances that bring us together, with an open mind, you will hear one/more things that provide you help and hope. While the disease is progressive and we learn that we can't control, cure or cause the disease to be different, we can decide what our role will be. For me, Al-Anon gave me back my sense of self, which in turn helped me work to be the best version of me possible - no matter what anyone else is/is not doing.
There is tons of help and hope in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello, Justjenna. My story has many similarities to yours, even down to the age of DH. I also grew up in a home with no alcohol, while DH -- who has passed -- had an alcoholic father and inherited the disease. I understand your anxiety and loneliness, as I have felt the same. Enjoy your first Alanon meeting! I hope you will find the love and strength that I have found from involvement in the program. Keep coming back here, too. I will watch for your posts and respond whenever I can.
Welcome Jenna.I can relate also . There was no alcohol in my birth family and my husband did not drink when I met him forty years ago. But he did disclose that drinking had been a problem in his past. He did not drink for twenty five years but then wanted to try it to see if he could drink responsibly. Fact is, he couldn't. And so the daily checking on my part began as to where he was stashing it and how much he was drinking. Along with that was the sleepless nights and the crying. And oh how I prayed!
I finally sought out Al Anon and through listening and reading found that I had to establish boundaries for myself. Told him that yes, he had the right to drink but that I also had the right to live in a house without alcohol and so he could make a choice to stay or to go. A hard thing to do after that many married years but I was being destroyed.
He chose to stay. If he had gone, I realized that I would be alright on my own even at this age. We all have the right to peace.
Keep coming to Al Anon. We are advised to make no decisions for several months and I found that is wise.
Welcome Jenna,
I also grew up in a Protestant non-alcoholic family and ended up marrying an Irish Catholic that grew up in a family that drank hard cider instead of water.... and then harder stuff to get drunk. I was way over my head in that family and their attitudes. I also checked bottles and marked bottles and was really anxious about the future.
Alanon taught me that I was my only business. I had my own responsibilities. I had my own work. I had my own way to play. I was important. I had to stop looking at him. I was too nice. I wanted to be too close. I wanted him to be who I thought he should be. Well..... he was who he was. And I had to take care of myself and let him take care of his business. That was my hardest work. To stop looking at him. To stop wanting to be "close". You will be ok. You will figure all this out.
Hi Jenna, welcome! So glad you found us, and love to hear that you are heading to a meeting. That is what pulled me through! Meetings are so important, moreso when things are especially challenging. Hang in there, keep us posted, and keep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Aloha Jenna...you're qualified to be here and grateful the site has been supportive for you. That is how the program kinda sorta worked for me also. Alcoholism is in my dna as I was born and raised into the disease without knowing it. I went after everything I could learn about it after I was in the program for a while and was amazed by it. This is a family disease which affects all that comes into contact with it. Get to your meeting and I hope you make plans for attending more and coming back here with your experiences. In support (((((hugs)))))
None of us can tell you if you are overreacting. But you are qualified to be here, since you are having problems with another's alcohol. I'm glad you are going to a meeting, and keep coming back here and sharing too!
