The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I kept hearing talk of "Gaslighting" and then someone referenced the movie, so I went to the library and got it on DVD to watch. My AH was passed out, so I had uninterrupted time. Now I totally understand the use of that term. And last night, I saw it in action. I went out to dinner with 5 very good women friends to celebrate a birthday. The friend whose birthday it was has gone through a recent breakup and we thought it would cheer her to surprise her with all of us for dinner at her favorite restaurant. It was a lovely evening of laughter and a few tears and women supporting women with love and respect. I came home with a great feeling of happiness to find the AH on the couch waiting for me. I told him it was a lovely time and some of the women mentioned their husbands would have liked to come to but it was a "girls night out". Mainly because it would be glaringly obvious that we had partners and she didn't and her wounds are very fresh but also because we needed time to just be together without the men. My intoxicated AH informed me it was wrong to be exclusionary and that the Bible says it is wrong for a wife to exclude her husband. WHAT?? It was a birthday dinner, that is all. I told him I would not apologize for going to dinner with my friends on occasion, and thatI believed there was nothing wrong with it. I was so upset but I just went to bed. I stewed about it all day and then I started to doubt myself. Maybe he is right, and I should have invited him to come? But that makes no sense. Maybe I was unkind and didn't consider his feelings? All the questioning of myself made me sick to my stomach until I remembered the movie.
I feel like I am begin gaslighted...
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
LOL Bethany...That threw my imagination all over the place and It end up being, "it is very dangerous to put fire and stomach gas together". LOL sorry...hope you had a nice dinner. (((())))
(((Bethany))) - I shy away from labeling others or using terms about other's behaviors just because it helps me keep my focus on me and what I am powerless over.....others and their actions/reactions!
I will say that I love GNO (Girl's Night Out) and do it as often as I can. There's nothing like breaking bread with great friends and no distractions. I enjoy couple meals out too - but am saved....my AH does NOT!!
Hope you had a marvelous time - no guilt and no ownership of what he thinks! This is a part of self-care in my program...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm just now getting to a point where I am starting to understand alcoholism and all of the traits that come along with it. Gaslighting does seem to be a common experience between many of us here in Al Anon.
The wonderful part, is that I can see it now and I do my best not to let it affect my mood.
I can simply nod, and move along with my business. Let it lay with them. I'm still forcibly making sure I don't add an eye roll in along with the nod :) HP is giving me a lot of peace to work with in those moments and I am grateful.
It sounds like your friend has an excellent support system, and like your group had a wonderful time together. Keep that in the front of your mind & enjoy the spiritual wealth that a solid group of friends can bring. (((Hugs)))
When I recognised gaslighting it was a simple step to look at my part in it which was, for me, not trusting my own point of view enough and my inclination to feel bad if I didn't adopt the views of someone else. It has been a liberating and empowering journey to rise above all that gas and enjoy the view!
Stick to what you know is true, even write it down. These people could sell ice to eskimos. They will, out of guilty, try and convince you something is totally false. It's the guilt talking, so ignore it and stick to what you know is true. I am struggling with trying to defend myself when someone gaslights me. I am trying to just let it go. Just say, oh okay and go about your business. For some people, it's about control.
)))) 