The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week in my meeting a girl mentioned focusing on drinking water each day. At the time it kind of rolled off my brain, but on the ride home I started thinking about how I don't drink enough water, or any. That eventually lead to me thinking about how little I care for myself.
Simple acts, like drinking water, going for a walk.
Thinking more on it and journaling some, I woke up to how truly abusive I am to myself. I honestly had no idea. It's not just lack of self care, I am mean.
I go through periods when I work out and eat well, but even when I'm doing that I am beating myself up mentally. I will work out until the calorie counter says I've burned x amount. I won't listen to my body say "I'm tired, stop".. I will push myself so hard because I hate myself, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, why can't I be like that girl over there with the abs.. Every calorie consumed weighs on my shoulders. I go through periods of not eating or abusing laxitives while severely restricting calorie intake.
Then I will swing the polar opposite direction and completely give up because it's too hard to maintain. I will over eat, beat myself up about that. Drink too much, smoke too much and engage in self-destructive behavior. Bring destructive people around me. I allow others to use and abuse me as well, in various ways.
I'll spend money I don't have and the weight on my shoulders when I have trouble making ends meet (though my own fault) is tremendous. Almost like I like it that way,
It's only been a week that this has been peddling around in my mind. I've been practicing mindfulness and asking myself questions constantly. Every action I would usually take without thought, I'm making myself think about it.
This morning, the 10 minute drive to work was a battle.
I had no cigarettes. I promised myself after the last one in my last pack I was done smoking. I have this weird ability to drop smoking without a problem. So when I say to myself I want to stop, I literally can stop whenever I want without going through withdrawals or any of the mess that others experience.
I wanted a soy latte from Starbucks.
I shouldn't be smoking and I have coffee at work. Both cost money I don't have.
The entire drive I was talking myself out of both things. Even having to speak out loud and say "NO! YOU DON'T NEED THAT!" Seems so small, I know. It's that I'm becoming aware, I'm proud of.
Proud to say, I have no cigarettes in my purse and I made myself a coffee when I got to work. I also woke up early this morning. I took a lengthy shower & applied lotion afterwards. I picked out nice clothes and put make up on.
I want to start working out again and see if I can do it and be kind to myself. Not push myself to the brink of fainting and no abusive voices in my head. Maybe just a 30 min jog and some weights. An hour work out tops, as opposed to 3.
But for today, I'm focusing on drinking water :)
Thank you for reading!
-- Edited by sarahGee on Thursday 1st of December 2016 02:19:09 PM
Great decisions Sarah. Great awareness and resolutions. Alanon reminds us to take care of ourselves and to HALT:That means: not to get too hungry , angry, lonely or tired
I always carry a water bottle with me in the City as I am also always being reminded to "HYdrate' I find that exercise is a great asset.
With regard to the beating yourself up. I was once offered some advice which worked a treat for me. In your case, for example, driving to work: take that judge off your shoulder and put it on the roof of the car, drive to work, then out it back on again. Same for the gym.
By the way, how do you journal? I would like to do this on my iPad but never really know where to write stuff that I can then make private.
Thanks all - just goes to show. You may think your share in group is simple, but it can really drive home a point to someone who's listening. All she said was "I'm making sure I drink water each day" & it spun this massive awareness in me.
Faintly Falling - I live on my own with my small kids, I don't need to worry about privacy in that sense so I just do it old school, pen to paper. It's really good for me, because I find in electronic format I have a tendency to edit and correct myself. Ink doesn't allow that, so what comes out is what comes out. It forces me to give up my obsessive/controlling nature and just let it flow. If and when the time comes that I need to be more protective of my journal, I will invest in a safe!
I really needed to read this thread today. I have been thinking about this for the past few days. I haven't really taken care of me for a long while now. I started a list of things I need to take care of me and marking them off when done. I certainly can relate to buying things on an impulse. I recently did this with makeup. I find that it's like you have no other thought but that impulse. I do it with sugary food as well. I have tried to cut back over and over again and end up falling off the wagon again. I'm hoping that I can also take care of myself again and stick to it this time. Thank you for sharing. ð
Great, great share Sarah and all. I had one of those Aha moments at a meeting when people were talking about self-care including 'these things'.....I was one who put all others first and felt I was golden if I showered and dressed each day at times. When I started setting boundaries, and minding my own business in this program, I too started to think beyond the basics!
I do know that I am an all or nothing person/thinker - and it's been a struggle for a long, long while. I am one who if I didn't have 1.5 hours available, I would not go to the gym. Very, very rigid in my thinking and my goals and it was counter-productive to my sanity big-time - it was my own rigidity and my own expectations that allowed me to berate myself when I failed and that does happen - I'm human and life is happening around me.
I do way better with considering self-care as healthy habits. I was once told that any effort is better than no effort ... so do not focus on gym time but rather active time (fitbit) and steps. That way, if I am doing around here and am short on steps, I can grab the dog and go for a walk - I don't have to be a gym rat to be healthy!!!
Baby steps and moderation help me stick to it - whatever it is. When I wake up guns ablazing, I can burn out as fast as I started....(((Hugs))) to all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That's the idea - to move my body because I care about myself and I want to stay in shape. My motivation has always been self loathing, probably why I have bounced all over the place. I've gone from very thin to chubby over and over and over again. Both ends of the spectrum, I ended up there through self abuse. I've never once thought "I love you body/mind/spirit, I want to take care of you". I've acted so recklessly for so many years.
I always used to say to my A mom - "Please take care of my mom". Thinking if she wouldn't do it for herself, maybe she would do it for us. It never worked.
I'm a mom now. I should be following my own advice.
Thanks for this sarahGee! I was just thinking the other day as there is a certain kind of cancer that runs through my family at a specific age and I am creeping up on that age, now that I am making some progress it would be awful if I developed this cancer because I wasn't taking care of myself. I also sat in a positive behavior seminar about replacing bad behaviors with good ones. I am a chocoholic and so replacing the chocolate with something else I enjoy, like taking a walk.. I also do love how one persons share can be the catalyst for a change that someone else has just been mulling over for a bit.
What a great post, honest and shows you are digging deep inside you. You have the courage and for me this is how we begin to change after we have the awareness. I can relate to a lot of the behaviours you talk of, its self will run riot and Im in that zone still for most of my days. I try to be in Gods will but I forget , get caught up in the moment, choose the easy quick rewards, be it food, sarcasm, etc and I link it all in with my immaturity and ego.
I find the answers in the steps, when I say the first three steps, do a gratitude list then I have Gods will on my mind for at least some of the day. The problem I find is trying to remember Gods will when im busy, sometimes it pops in and other times its all about me and when im running the show my behaviour is not good and I dont feel happy with myself. I suppose its practice and patience. I think you are doing great, your well on the road. Extra meetings might help you make that progress your looking for.
It reminds to me that i need to find out what are those small painful things on my small toes in both legs..it was really painful with my work boots...i have thought about going to pedicure not yet gone there. I have done toplines but not applying them always. Got cheap hair cut done two ago and buyed new shoes two days ago... but just elementary stuff like shower once week and birdbath or execises or drinking enough water is important too for me
-- Edited by kadriliisa on Thursday 8th of December 2016 07:03:47 PM
