The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do we perceive ourselves and how accurate is that perception to others? Is our perception of ourselves always the same as how others perceive us? The alcoholic doesn't think they have a problem, but we all know they do...as far as they're concerned they are one thing, we see them as something completely different.
How do you perceive yourself at work? In your social life? In your head...?
What I see as confident, others can see as creepy....
What I see as assertive and authentic, other can see as 'asshole'-ish.
What I see as insecurity in others, they deem as their success...
My indifference toward that can be perceived as bitterness....
Am I confident and assertive or a creepy asshole?...for the longest time, I believed the former until recently something happened that shook my confidence. Is that how they've always seen me? Is my indifference to material things and titles really just bitterness? Am I bitter that I can't find the motivation to keep score and I have a difficult time relating to people who do?
I'm so lost at why I'm doing all this.....I feel like I need God for this one.
Hugs SJ,
I think I have reached an age I truly don't care what other people think. It is more important what I think about myself than others perception of who I am. I gave up so much of myself in my marriage and right now more is awakening in me and I'm grateful for that. I know without question I don't want to give myself up again. I really work hard to get out of judging others .. I haven't walked their path anymore than they have walked mine. So do I wake up to be a walking douche? No .. I honestly try to practice the behaviors I want back. If I want love I practice love.. If I want kindness I practice kindness .. If I want acceptance I practice that. My point is it really that imporant that I point out someone else's shortcomings or is it more important to focus on who I really want to be .. No one is perfect. I do know what irritates me about another person is something I need to look at in myself. I also noticed that I used those same reasons being critical of others to avoid getting close to people. It's very lonely living like that .. That was a big behavior I carried with me since childhood. I'm so glad to see you back on the boards here and I hope you will keep coming back. Yes .. Surrendering to a higher power is all worth it. ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Great questions Slogan Jim . I always believed that "Perception" is a persons reality. Before working the Steps and becoming honest within myself, I do believe that my arrogance, intolerance, and judgmental attitudes were perceived by others even though I thought that I had hidden them so well from them.
The Steps enabled me to shed my negative destructive over bearing attitudes and replace them with principles that I value and embrace. I may not be chasing after fame, or money but I do treat everyone with courtesy and respect and no longer am concerned with other's opinion of me.
When I was deep in the disease I was scary sick and others would not approach me with their information whether I wanted it or not and then I just didn't care or want it and then as time in recovery ran on it was important for me to improve my listening tools and skills and so I became approachable and learned to do that with an open mind and with empathy, humility and grace. My perception to day is that there are more similarities twix others and myself and no reason to be afraid of stuff...any stuff. I can always ask for feedback to improve my perception and I do. (((hugs)))
A real eye opener for me was on Facebook, those "On this day" look back of the posts you made on that date since you joined. OMG I was a bitter nasty smarmy biatch I used these in working on my asset and problem list in working to achieve Step 4 and 5. I often screen shot the ugly ones to keep me real.
I believe there does come an age where my give-a-shi! meter pegged out. Recovery gave back to me the ability to just be still and listen. I no longer am concerned with being the smartest, loudest, prettiest, stylish, ... person in the room. I view much of this as superficial. I now value what I hear and witness from another vs. their words.
What I've come to understand is what I value is unique to me. While honesty, integrity and humility are very important for my spiritual health, others may value love, money, wealth, etc. No two people are the same and having differences is to be celebrated and not scorned.
I no longer try to adapt myself to fit into situations or for others. If I am doing what my HP suggests is the 'next right thing', I do not loose sleep over most situations. Of course, I do my best to surround myself with like-minded people, and while I will help anyone who wants help in recovery, I will no longer take hold of others pain, ego, chaos, insanity, etc.
In actually, I love the slogan what others think of me is none of my business. I recall your intro. Slogan Jim - a few friends vs. hundreds on social media - agree, agree, agree! I have shrunk my circle of influence down greatly as I grow spiritually as I just no longer enjoy or tolerate drama. The larger the group, the more drama possible and I truly value my peace and serenity.
I have no issue with someone who loves me giving me constructive feedback in a loving exchange. However, when it comes to others on the peripheral, I often simply listen openly, consider the source, and then assess if applies and action is required. I do believe that 'awareness' comes in many, many forms - so I always listen openly for my own personal growth...
Glad you're here - great processing and great topic to consider!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have to say my perception of myself and others has changed a lot since recovering with others in Alanon. The slogan Live and Let Live comes to mind. It's a bit easier today to accept others and their right to choose what works for them. It can be freeing to not use a broad brush and compare my insides to someone else's outsides.
On the other hand, if I feel a sense of dis-ease internally about how others are perceiving me, an honest self inventory may be necessary. Maybe there is a truth I need to face about myself. Since recovery is a lifelong journey, I want to remain honest, open and willing to consider other peoples responses to my words and behaviors. I know that my wants and needs continuously change. I'm glad about that. I never want to become stagnant, lose my interest in knowing others who seem different from myself, to be teachable and be vulnerable with others and to ask for help. I don't accomplish all of these things consistently but I do strive for them. I'm my higher power's work in progress.
It's even more important for me to be aware of recovery behaviors when life isn't going very well. When I don't Let It Begin With Me, stinking thinking seeps in, a self righteous sense of terminal uniqueness festers and I may consider isolating myself from other people. From experience, this has been the consequence for me from seeing differences in myself and others as barriers rather than opportunities. The unhealthy pay off is self pity and a perceived victimization by others who uhhemmm .... just don't get me.
My hp helps me to take my emotional temperature each day and I turn to that same higher power for guidance to be a better listener and learner.
Thanks for you share. Good to see you back with us. Keep coming back. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Great answers....based on a conversation I had last night with an individual, I think I have fallen pray to a manipulator again. So I appeased him......BUT, I am aware of it now.
I wouldn't have been before. I hate that I keep falling prey to these guys.....it's always like they are acting as a replacement for my alcoholic father.
