The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Divorced my son's alcoholic + drug attict father. My son has now married a woman that's an alcoholic + has a dysfunctional family. This woman needs counseling and calls me when she's drunk to cry on my should about deep painful childhood issues. What's a mother to do?
Im sorry I am not experienced enough to understand how you are feeling.
Or when she is sober, politely saying, I feel so helpless when you call me when you have been drinking. It makes me uncomfortable.
My mother in law point blank told my husband to take her off his drunk dialing list.
I had a cousin who used to do that to me, and when I said perhaps you should discuss this with your own mother. I don't feel I can really help you as I have nothing to add.
It is terribly difficult when someone, anyone, wants to share personal issues so painful that they should be shared with a counselor who is actually prepared to assist the victim. I am at a loss when this happens to me. I have tried saying, these things are best shared with a therapist or someone who works in the field of "___" but if the person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, often times they can's seem to hear what I am saying and go full speed ahead with the revelations. I don't want to hang up on them mid-sentence, but truthfully, the shared memories are more than I am prepared to listen or deal with, and I have no solutions. I can merely say, "What he did to you was wrong. No one should have had to suffer as you did. There is help available" and I try to give the person a help line phone number.
Hey See - sorry that you feel 'stuck' in this situation. In recovery, I've learned that I am not responsible for anyone but me. I just am very cautious who I answer the phone for. What I've learned is that I can screen my calls, and I no longer return calls unless someone leaves a message. I only return them when I decide and if I decide to.
I am no longer held hostage by the actions, desire or insanity of anyone - alcoholic or not. I'm doing all that I can in recovery today to surround myself with healthy people, and I'll always help another person - if they are willing to help themselves. I had to stop caring more about other's than they cared about themselves - this was part of my insanity/disease.
You have the choice to answer/ignore/reject/block/etc. In my experience, one who is singing the blues will move on down their call list until they find a willing party/victim to listen. It doesn't have to be you!!
(((Hugs))) - take what you like and leave the rest!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There are no guarantees however what I give away is what has worked for me and I will take someone to a meeting when I am open and able. They have to be off the sauce and able to sit and listen not under the influence as I have a responsibility to the group. Giving what I have experience with works best for me. (((hugs)))
I think the hardest thing about this is realizing that often, when alcoholics do this, they are not actually looking for healing. Not to categorise every alcoholic in the same brush stroke, however there are really consistent behaviors and personality factors in many alcoholics. When the alcoholics I know call to cry or talk at length about their awful victimised childhoods and current lives, all their enemies and all the ways they are wrongly persecuted, it is not to find a solution. The alcoholics I know are not looking for resolution, empowerment, or true release of all that pain. The poor buggers seem to live in a vacuum of this swirling toxicity.
Big hearted, well meaning people receive these phone calls and try their best to help, soothe, advise and comfort, but the two people in the same conversation are living on different planets with different intentions for the conversation and in many ways, are speaking different languages. The two people are processing everything very differently. Also, if the alcoholic person is drinking, they may not even remember the conversation the next day! The non-alcoholic can feel obliged to earnestly listen and help and commiserate with the illusion, but it's all a big mysterious vortex of pain.
There is no good reason to participate, that I can see.
Lots of love to both you and your DIL (and son!)
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
