Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Why stay in a relationship with an alcoholic?
Post Info TOPIC: Why stay in a relationship with an alcoholic?
kismetstrand


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 581
Date:
Why stay in a relationship with an alcoholic?
Permalink  

There is a reason Al-Anon makes the suggestion to wait at least 6 months into your program (and that is with really working it yourself!) before you make any major life changes. (The only time Al-Anon gives advice on anything is to say if you are in a violent situation seek help in getting away from it.)

A newcomer has no idea how much their own thinking is going to change. It is like the blinders coming off, where you are able to begin to see yourself clearly. How your own actions and words affect others. How maybe in the past you have been putting the blame on others instead of taking responsibility for your own part. Are you the type of person you would want to come home to? Do you really like yourself? Are you kind to others? Are you able to stay out of another's business or are you trying to fix (control) their life? Do you understand the difference between covering your A with a blanket after they've passed out versus just leaving them with no blanket (and which do you think is right?)?

I've seen people start to work the program, then leave when they've left their qualifier. Thinking that leaving is the answer to everything. The point of Al-Anon; it's not for us to fix the alcoholic, it's for us to fix OURSELF. It's for us to work those 12 steps WITH a sponsor who HAS worked the 12 steps themself with a sponsor. To find out why we choose who/what we do. To find out what our good and bad qualities may be. To find out what we want to change within ourself to make ourself a better person.

I never realized how much my own behavior contributed to the chaos of my household. When I began changing/controlling myself, that is when I saw changes at home. Arguments went from 5x+ a week to maybe 2x a month. Big eye opener. A nasty look from me because he poured a drink could start an argument. No more nasty looks. Minded my own business. Worked my program.

This program takes time. A lot of time. Changes don't happen overnight. Matter of fact, we are constantly learning and growing. I think maybe one of the best things my sponsor said to me was "If you have to ask, then you're not ready."



__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness.
"I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Liz14


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you for posting the list. I've been married to my RAH for 40 years now. And looking back to the very beginning of our relationship, I knew he had a drinking problem, but continued on with him. We really were the "love at first sight" couple and that feeling has stayed with me all of this time. And my Higher Power has helped me throughout my life all of this time.

I too have had every one of those thoughts/reasons for staying. Any one or more of them could work on any particular day. But, I also had my list of why I should go and never used them.

I have to say that my RAH was a highly functioning alcoholic for 37 of those years. A good husband when he wasn't immersed in the bottle, a good provider, a loving father and grandfather. He was never physically abusive and rarely mentally abusive. But he was never really emotionally a support either. I was the one who was the emotional abuser with my nagging and sarcasm and sometimes just mean. My Al Anon meetings and daily readings, along with my HP's help and guidance, made me realize that I was just as sick as he was. The program also helped me to realize that he had a disease that he could not control and that I could not control either.

It was over the last 3 years that the disease really started taking its toll on his health and mental stability. He had a major health crisis that made him decide it was time for rehab and another way of life.

I can honestly say that I am thrilled that I stayed. We are the "poster couple" for AA and Al Anon success. Through his AA program and other support groups, he has been working sobriety for almost 8 months now. And I am working my program too. I also keep in mind that alcoholism is a disease AND it could rear its angry head at anytime. But for now, we are having fun again, have a more open relationship than we ever had, and his wonderful sense of humor is back along with his health. Thank you goes out to AA, Al Anon, my Al Anon support group, and my HP for the most wonderful opportunity of my lifetime.

"Just for Today" I choose to enjoy what is beautiful, to live this day only (or this moment only), to be as happy as I make up my mind to be, etc. Living for Today!!!

__________________
Liz14
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

Mahalo Liz...Great gratitude share.  ((((hugs)))) aww



__________________
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

I missed this resurfacing. Glad it helped folks! It was also to organize my own understanding.

__________________
«First  <  1 2 | Page of 2  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Why stay in a relationship with an alcoholic?