The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend ( sort of feels like more of a friend these days) is an recovering alcoholic 30 yrs. But he has PTSD and depression so I know this affects him but he doesn't seem to work his program. He dwells on the past.
Even though he doesn't like holidays I thought I would just go over there tonight (Thanksgiving) not for anything special. He has been upset with his brother and wouldn't go to his house to eat today so before I left to come home he started talking about that. Because of his health issues and depression we don't go out anywhere anymore I just tend to go over there once a week. I have had to set my own boundaries because of his negativity and how it effects me.
Tonight as I was leaving he said something like 'Well so much for Thanksgiving'. That is just a hard thing not to take personal. He was by himself all day and at least I went by to spend some time with him but he doesn't see it that way. Instead he is dwelling on what he can't have or what Thanksgiving was like in the past and how his brother had upset him etc. But I didn't say anything to him about feeling hurt.
I guess Christmas night I will have to decide that it will probably be better for me to stay at home. My sponsor says I should get to the point where these things don't affect me but I just don't see how they will not have an affect on me.
He sounds like a dry drunk to me with labels that give him an excuse. Having depression and PTSD means he has what he needs to sit back and do nothing. If alcoholism has symptoms of self pity, self centeredness etc then this sounds just like alcoholism dont you agree?
Anyway, it doesnt really matter what he is calling his distorted thought processes, what matters is you and what your doing for you to recover and to think differently, im glad you have a sponsor, maybe working the steps will take your mind off him. You cant control him, he is on his own path but you can control you. For me its about getting to the point of letting go of what the other person is thinking or feeling because its none of my business really, its part of them, their disease, their journey. so their own misery belongs completely to them and I need to stay out of that misery, Im wary of feeling sorry for the person because that can lead me to enabling, maybe you going to visit him was about you feeling sorry for him because he doesnt have his brother to go to. I understand that, it seems caring and friendly and a 'normal' thing to do, however, we are not dealing with 'normal' and the sooner we stop expecting 'normal' behaviour and accept the disease for what it is then we live frustrated most of the time.
This is a disease that needs us to think differently, think spiritually because that allows us to let Go and let God.
(((catlover))) - for me, it's a choice to not take things personally....it doesn't happen automatically. Some things roll off easier than others and when an event or some words seem to want to camp out, I just have to go back to the very basics on our program, starting with Step 1.
His path is his path and while it's different than desired, it's probably better than it was before. That's a thought I go to when I begin to wonder about my qualifiers, their sanity, happiness, etc. It helps me let go and let God to focus on what is good.
You are only responsible for your own joy - do whatever you can to focus on that. I will never pretend to understand depression, let alone PTSD. I do know that when it's diagnosed in conjunction with substance abuse, it's a darn ugly place to be from what I've heard. My sponsor suggests that just showing up to show support is enough. There are no words, actions, other I can do to cause, control or cure them in any circumstance.
Good to see you - (((hugs))) and positive thoughts to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(( My sponsor suggests that just showing up to show support is enough. There are no words, actions, other I can do to cause, control or cure them in any circumstance.
Good to see you - (((hugs))) and positive thoughts to you!
I know he appreciates me just being there. He really has no one else to talk to about his problems so sometimes he just unloads on me almost the minute I walk in the door.
He really wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt my feelings. He just doesn't realize when he says things like that. He is just in a really bad 'place' now mentally and physical problems too. But what you both said is so true. I need to spend more time on myself and take the focus off of him and feeling sorry for him and thinking something I can do will help him. He has to get to the point where he wants to help himself.
Thanks. Good to see you too!! (( hugs ))
-- Edited by catlover26 on Friday 25th of November 2016 11:10:11 AM
It is hard to watch someone we care about suffer or be in pain. Keeping the focus on myself helps me realize in the hard moments, that I am enough - exactly as I am. I also keep close to the front of my head the QTIP slogan - Quit Taking It Personally....that helps me often too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My ExAH, my children's father, was a negative person. There was always someone who was out to get him and steal his joy. Day in and Day out I had to listen to his cynicism for 15 years. It was awful and more painful than the C section I had when my daughter was born, and a knee replacement put together. So I understand. Qtip as mentioned above is a great tool. As I often use it on the few times I must have conversations with him. My children are almost grown, so that is few and far between now. The times where we have to co parent (haha-I use the term loosely), and him and I are in the same room, (recently as yesterday for our granddaughters ballet) and he starts with his song of "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess Ill go eat worms" I blink rapidly several times to get the image of my punching him in the neck out of my mind, say I have something in my contact and need to excuse myself. As I walk away, I repeat Bless him, change me. It takes a lot sometimes.
I once had a boyfriend after my ExAH split, that also was the same. I didn't know until much later that he was an opiate addict. I surprised him one NY Eve that he was complaining about being alone and blah blah. I dropped my plans with my friends and took a bottle of champagne to share. It did not go as planned. He was more angry that I interrupted his self loathing and self pity.
