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I logged on here to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving day, and of course, the long list of people and things I'm thankful for started to roll through my brain - there was so much that it was like a 45 RPM record playing on 78 RPM (LOL, who else remembers records??). Usually, when I review my almost endless gratitude list, the one aspect of my life that troubles me, my younger son's drug, alcohol, and depression issues, sneaks back in and I get a case of "if only". After 13 years in this wonderful fellowship, I now know enough to remind myself, quickly, that my son is sick, that God is working for good in his life, and I use all the regular techniques that usually at least somewhat ease my pain regarding that part of my life.
This morning followed a fairly similar course, except that it's now been almost two months since I heard anything from my son - with the ESH I've gotten from our program, the "list of terrible things that could have happened to him" doesn't pop up as much as it used to, but it still hurts me, all day every day, that I haven't heard a word. I quickly remind myself that he's sick, that there's a part of him that's separate from the disease that still loves me, and that, right now, he's just not strong enough to fight his disease - that stuff helps, but it still hurts.
This morning was a bit different though - God caught me and whispered in my ear before the coffee kicked in and woke up my ADHD - in the midst of me feeling bad that I hadn't heard from my son, I was also reminded with a quiet, gentle whisper in my ear that while I hadn't heard anything good from him, I also hadn't heard any bad about him - no call from a jail, or a coroner's office, or the police - so, as always, it could be worse, but at least I'm not dreaming up ways to make it sound worse - and for that progress, I'm very, very grateful.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Thursday 24th of November 2016 08:48:32 AM
Beautiful share Texas Yankee thanks so much for reminding me of the importance of daily gratitude. It does change the entire tone of a day.
I am happy that you are sharing the journey.
Texasyankee, Thank you for the reminder. I often say, "No news is good news" ... there is no reason to make up bad stuff that hasn't happened. I can be grateful for "no news."
(((Texasyankee))) - I hear you and understand!! Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I love your share and hope that just for today, joy and peace and gratitude fill your mind and heart!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mahalo for that ESH share brother. I get that practice myself as my alcoholic/addict son, not a figment of my imagination floats bye...in...out...all about. I know he cannot go anywhere that HP isn't and the last time he visited it seemed that they made some mutual contact in the last month. Cool. Miracle music in the back ground. He was upset and self righteous about his cousins drinking and using and treatment of his wife so you know how that goes...we don't gossip, judge and other negative stuff. I stay in my own hula hoop. Gratitude of course. (((hugs)))
In my son's lucid and clean moments, he has said when he was active in his using, he detached from ME. He detached from me knowing that he was causing me pain and he couldn't stand himself for that. It wasn't easy him storming out of the house as a punishment to me not enabling him and then not hearing him for days, weeks months. I prayed for him every night to keep him safe. That's all I could do. Hugs and prayers for you.
Thanks all for the ESH - Fooled, with the feedback you relayed from you son, you have confirmed what I've always thought what might be going on inside my son's head with this distancing behavior - that yes, he certainly was aware of the pain and suffering he was causing me when he detached from me, and that there was a part of him that was greatly pained for doing it - kinda like guilt or something, I guess - who knows the inner workings of those sick minds.
It is certainly an added burden that grows heavier on my heart and soul each day that I don't hear from him - but, I need to remind myself that knowing nothing is knowing nothing - I have to be careful not to awful-ize things into being worse than they are - even though the "stories" start spinning in my head when I don't hear from him (he's dead, he's in jail, he's on a bender, he's moved somewhere to start a new life, he's homeless, he's waiting to call me until he has a 90 day chip), I have to remind myself that I KNOW NOTHING FOR CERTAIN about his current situation, and I have to get myself on another track before the stories take over and I'm in the ditch, too. I rode my bike outside for an hour yesterday - that helped a lot!
They are aware of the pain. My son often said to me "I didn't chose to be a drug addict mom" and it really gave me some perspective. As awful as it is for me to watch it, It must be equally painful to be it. I so understand the images that pop into your head when days go by without hearing from them or about them. I used to pray for him to be in jail. At least then I knew he was safe. Learning to trust my HP was the key for me. Putting my son's safety in someone else's hands that is stronger and more capable than I. I so feel your pain.
Thanks so much everyone, and especially you, Fooled - I always believed that, during those moments of clarity when his disease was sleeping, it must have been very painful for my Son living the life he was living - so, I need to get to work on trusting my HP - for some reason, it's always been VERY difficult for me - but as I remember from what I learned as a child, "Behold the birds of the heaven, that they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not ye of much more value then they?" - the underlining is mine - and yeah, I had to look this up - LOL, I don't remember scriptural references off the top of my head - but sure, my son, especially since he's sick and suffering, has to be important to my HP - I'll work on it - thanks for the strength to get through this day.
