The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm just broken...my bf got his second DUI yesterday. He totaled his truck and it got impounded. All of his tools were in it...he's in jail and I'm just a mess. I don't want to bail him out because of the potential risk on my end ( I own a business with my prents), but the other half of me is dying inside. I have some people telling me I need to bail him out and others telling me absolutely not. I just feel horrible. I know I didn't cause this and it's not my fault, but how do I stop feeling like this???? What do I do????
Feel compassion for him but detach. He did this...not you. Try hard to not own his problems or his disease in any way. I am healthiest when I do not own other people's problems. Even those I care deeply about.
Such wise words Pink! VVV you are not responsible for your bf's actions and you should not bear the consequences. He needs to learn from his actions so he will not have a third DUI.
While I was in college I also worked for the CHiPs (California Highway Patrol) and one night at work sitting the dispatch board I got a call from one of the highway units asking for information on a female drunk driver. My HP is masterful at directing recovery and the female driver was my alcoholic/addict wife. I got a lesson the officer got a lesson and my former wife did also. When I heard her name called in I just responded "the driver is known to me...known to this dispatcher" and the officer knew what to do next which was to wait after shift to meet up and confidentially get the information. My wife didn't even know what was going on and she got a ride home while her car was impounded...no problem and life went on in the horror story until she was ready to become teachable by others rather than myself. I had found out that "Let Go and Let God" was a real solid direction and I use it daily. I can't...God can...I'll let Him (or Her or it).
Take care of your peace of mind and serenity and give him the respect of growing himself up. You didn't cause this, you cannot control it and you will not cure it with money, effort, tears, yelling, hugging or anything else. His best effort will be to sit humbly with another recovering alcoholic and asking the question, "How do you do this...can you help me?" That is from my experience and that is what worked.
Keep coming back cause this works when we work it. (((((hugs)))))
Sometimes doing nothing is doing something and is the best thing of all. When I am tempted to bail out, smooth over, make excuses, and otherwise get in the way of a potential opportunity for change, I try to recognize that I am only trying to make myself feel better in the short term. Change often comes when we least expect it and I do my best to not prolong anyone's bottom by paving the bumpy road for them. It is incredibly hard to step away, but for me it is the best thing I have ever done for my AD and myself. All of my" help " in the past didn't change a darn thing until she was sick and tired of living the way she was. Then and only then did she seek help and began to work a program of recovery without any interference/assistance from me . It was quite an eye opener for me to accept that I did not have what she needed to get sober but other recovering alcoholics\addicts do.
vvv - I too am so sorry for the pain caused by the disease. I know that the right decisions for my own recovery sometimes were far from the easiest. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I just wanted to thank all of you that replied. I think I have finally hit my rock bottom with him. I almost bailed him out and was going to borrow money from his employer and I was sick to my stomach and decided not to do it at all. I almost want him to stay in jail because I feel as though I would be able to let go of him and move on to a healthy relationship. I feel HORRIBLE even saying that, but i did think it. I have not told him I am not bailing him out yet, but I know that's going to be painful. I'm wondering if I should just tell him no and tell him I love him and then hang up? Such an emotionally draining disease. :(
One key element of recovery is, "To thine own self, be true"....I had to remind myself often in the beginning that if I wanted different, I had to do/be different. You are right - the disease and the demands put upon family/friends is emotionally draining. You truly don't have to explain your decision to anyone at any time. I am reminded of the three C(s) - you did not cause this, you can not cure this and you can not control this.
Prayers and positive thoughts continue....if his employer is willing to lend money for his bail, let them work it out. His bail, his job, his DUI, his accident - not on you and not your responsibility.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For my qualifiers I had to make this hard decision. With my RAH, on one of his relapses the state police came to our home because he apparently stole some fire wood from the bar he was drinking at. The owner of the firewood was not going to press charges but my RAH had a warrant that I didn't know about and he was taken to jail. I was livid. Knowing he had to be at work at 2 am I immediately contacted his boss and the bail bondsman. Thankfully, there was a delay in his processing which gave me time to think. I waited until they went to move him in to general population and face the Judge. I let him think I wasn't coming. I let him face his consequences. The message was loud and clear. I did pick him up instead of making him take the bus only because he was arrested in his Mountain Dew sleep pants and his slippers. With my son, I was able to do the same. He was on the phone begging me and pleading almost costing me more than the bail with the phone calls. I made him face the Bond Judge and his own consequences. Both were really tough, but as Iamhere said above....To thine own self be true. If you want different you have to be different.
