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I have been seperated from my A husband since November. We were trying to work things out until a couple of weeks ago when we got into an argument and now he's not talking to me. I have been ask by several people including my therapist if I have talked to a divorce lawyer. Everytime I think of divorce I get this sick feeling in my gut and I don't know if this is my HP telling me that it's not time or if it's simply a symptom of my addiction to my husband. Maybe both. One thing that I have learned in Al-Anon is that if you are not sure, don't do anything. So for me right now I am not ready to make that decision until I feel that it's the right thing to do. Has anyone else felt the same way?
One thing - talking to a lawyer, finding out what your rights and optiosn are, does not obligate you to go any further. Sometimes it's good just to have the information, so it can sit at the back of your mid while you think about what to do.
I recently had to do this in my own situation. I paid a referral fee and was given the name of a family law attorney. You can do this with any attorney and talk about what you would want your situation to look like by way of divorce. It does not obligate you to sign a contract with the attorney. Obviously I was not sure about my decision and have not signed a contract, I agree if you are not sure sit with it awhile, I'm learning that things can change day to day or week to week. The trick I think is to get off the A's roller coaster and plant my feet firmly into recovery and HP, this allows me to think and make decisions more clearly. Good Luck
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It is a very hard decision to make and if you are having second thoughts, maybe you need to spend some more time working your program and in thoughtful prayer, waiting for the answer. It comes in your HP's time not your own.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Very wise Julie. You will know when and if the time is right. I went through what you are feeling when I first considered divorcing my A. I love him to bits, and the thought made me sick. But the time came when I knew it was right, so I proceeded. I am very happy with the way things are now, and so is he.
Best of luck, and deepest caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My A and I have been talking divorce or long term seperation for some time now. About every 10 days... (that sound like a rollercoaster? LOL)
It is very hard to even consider since you know you are dealing with someone who is not really saying what they feel most the time. Can you get a straight answer on anything that would confirm your feelings from them? No... So you have to trust yourself and be confident you can live with your own decission.
Today, I only distingush the difference between where you are and divorce if I felt detached enough to want to start a relationship with someone else. For me I don't see the point yet.
We have begun filling out a MSA which is essentially the dirty part of the divorce, but doing it as a part of seperating. It spells out all debts, everything to do with the kids... the only difference is we are not legally divorced. I don't know if that is even an option in your state.
She is so angry with me and so full of the disease that dealing with me on a daily basis is fueling her anger. I am not instigating seperation, but she wants out.
There is no easy answer, but my prayers are with you and your family either way.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am there, too. Husband (my A) is so bitter and angry towards me, he will not let the past go, I mean even the past from 1988, when we were not even together!
I love him, I hate this disease. He moved out 4 weeks ago tonight, left drunk and angry. He is trying to think up every reason why I am not a good person, but I am. He comes in the house (it;s his house too) and leaves notes, often nasty ones. I do not respond. Next day, another nasty note.
But, then he calls to see "if I am OK". ????????
I too have thought and prayed and searched for an answer. So far, the only answer I have received from HP, is that I need alanon. So, for today, I am staying where I am. He is free to come home anytime he wants to.
All I know to do right now is to try to get better. I am reading "Getting Them Sober" which is an excellent book, and may help you. I am reading Alanon literature, coming to the board, and to chat, and to some online meetings. Trying to learn about his disease, and mine, which is codependency.
You are very wise. I went back and forth a lot. I am glad I have not gotten a divorce. I have learned so much about myself and him by hanging in there.
I agree trust how you feel. You said it yourself, you are not ready.
you are so right. if it doesn't feel right then it isn't yet. i left my a husband 3 years ago and talked to a lawyer. but before getting the divorce started my husband decided to do rehab. during that time he got better and realized that he wanted us to still be a family. so we tried and tried and divorce never felt right untill 4 weeks ago after a year of sobriety he went out on a binge and hasn't come home. nor does he ask for or want help. he's just mad at me. this is all my fault.i hadn't heard from him since last thursday and knew he wasn't at work but he called today and only wanted to speak to the kids. i tried to make small talk, see how he was but he was so angry at me that i didn't want to set him off and then he'd hang up and not talk to the girls. still caring for him.thinking i have any control over what he does.i see the illusion but am still drawn into it.but when i think about the divorce proceedings i've started i feel peace.i don't have one more time in me. this feels right. it sure doesn't feel good-it's lonely and scary and painful-but i'm ok today.i love this program and all the people in it. you're in my prayers....hang in there, you'll be ok.
Such a good question and very helpful insights. My husband left and said he wanted a divorce. He said it is over, never was, and never will be. This is after 32 years of marriage. There seems to be a common theme of the A getting mad and saying it is your fault. With the help of Alanon, I figured I better face it head on since my A seemed to have all the power in his threats. I went to a lawyer armed with questions - the first half hour was free. It was an eye opener in that marriage is basically a financial arrangement. In our state we could basically get a divorce for free through the court house if we agree on how to separate.
Talking about divorce makes me physically ill. I hate the word. I married for better or for worse. There is nothing I can do about my husband. If he wants a divorce he can do it. I told him that I will make my own decision when I am ready and no sooner. Dr. Phil (I can hear some groans) says you should divorce when you can walk away having tried everything, you have no emotions about it, and you have no regrets. I would gain nothing from a divorce and I feel that our grown children would suffer the consequences.
I'm glad to see this thread here because this is where I am right now. I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of the financial instability, the passing out at night, the smell, my 2 daughters being exposed to it. I'm tired of the selfishness, the nastiness when he's drunk, the beady red eyes. I'm tired of wanting a normal, pleasurable, reciprical sex life. I'm tired of 2 minutes of nothing and roll over and snore...I'm just tired.
I've been an at home mom for the past 2 1/2 years so now I'm diligently looking for a job so I can pack up my daughters and split. I love him, but I can't live with him anymore. This will probably be the final straw that kills him but at this point it's either him or me and I've got to live for my kids. It breaks my heart the thought of leaving him, but I feel like my mental health depends on it and I just don't want my kids to grow up thinking this madness is normal.
I don't want to divorce but I am going to as soon as I get some capital saved up. I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to cheat either and that's what's going to happen because I'm so lonely. I really need him and he can't be there for me. I have no one to share MY pain with - it's all about him. I never felt this lonely when I was single.
I needed to vent. Thanks for listening (reading rather).
This will probably be the final straw that kills him
I just wanted to comment on this - one thing that alanon teaches us is that our propping them up is sometimes the thing that is keeping them from reaching bottom and finally getting the help that saves their lives. We just don't know. This is why we need to trust that, just as we have a higher power, so does the A - we can let go, and let God care for the A in our lives. I can't, He can, I'll let Him.
