The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been on here in awhile but when I'm struggling I get on here and read all of your stories and I am so thankful for this group. But my AH has been progressively getting worse with his disease. He has since quit going out partying to now drinking all day/night in our garage. Last weekend it got so bad that I feared for my life and the life of our children. I ended up calling the police and he was arrested. He had to spend 2 nights in jail and when he saw the judge, he ordered him not to drink until his court date in a few weeks. He has to take random urine tests and is so worried about doing more time etc. At first, when he came home he was concerned about us and said he was going to do whatever he had to do to repair the damage he has done. He promised the kids that he would NEVER drink again. Now, a week later, he is acting like his normal, selfish, self. Just without the alcohol. He keeps saying he never thought I would be the type of girl to call the police on him (we've been together 13 years). He is accusing me of talking with other men (which I have NEVER done). But he has talked with, private messaged with, gone out to dinner with other women. But that was when he was drunk. He is blaming me for EVERYTHING he has lost (shocking I know.). He is starting fights with me just like he used to do when he was drinking about the same things! Its so frustratin. I just don't know how to ride this one out. He is not seeking any treatmen, AA meetings, etc. I know without that he is not going to get any bette! How do I create healthy boundaries now? In his mind he's sober and I should be happy.
I learned about the disease of alcoholism and that the alcohol is only one part of it and that its a thinking disease and the both dry or drunk thoughts are distorted and disturbed. Its such a destructive disease and it takes self confidence, self esteem away from the whole family. Its all about fear, anger, resentment, blame etc.
I also called the police on both drinkers in my life and got them arrested and not just once. It was the right thing to do. I cant recommend Alanon enough, I went to meetings and met with people who have walked this path and gave me support. I learned this twelve step program is the key to my freedom form alcoholism and its a program of action, its the doing it every day. It was the best thing I did for me and my whole family, when one person begins to think rationally the whole family often improve.
Thank you so much for your response!! Sometimes my situation is so crazy it's hard to believe others have gone through it too. I haven't been able to go to my Al-anon meetings the past few weeks but they do help once I go. When I can't go, I get on here so I won't feel so alone.
(((DLove))) - you are not alone. The best that you can do is take care of you and put you first. He'll either stay sober or not. He'll either find a happy attitude or not. You are worthy of peace of mind no matter what he is/is not doing. For me, when living with active, dry, or other - the only recipe for any sanity was to go to meetings, work the program and reach out to others who provided sane conversation - as it was not present in my home.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are not alone! I have spent many weeks and months living with a dry drunk. I was confused at the time that he seemed to be even harder to get along with sober than he was drunk. I now know that a dry drunk is "irritable, restless, and discontent" and that the problem was never the alcohol in the first place. It was the mindset and that behavior patterns that led to the drinking that were the problem. I am so glad you have a place to come and be reminded that you aren't responsible for his behavior, only how you react to it. I pray that he finds help, but in the mean time, hold your head up and hang in there. If you set boundaries and refuse to engage it will get better!
Welcome to MIP Kim C - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in! Keep coming back and welcome to the MIP family!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone! Those are my lessons I need to learn which is not engaging. I was working on the that when he was drinking but was not prepared for practicing setting my boundaries even without the alcohol.
Dlove, I feel your pain! My partner has been sober for 9 years, 3 years ago we started dating and he just stopped going to AA, I've had a lot of alcoholics in my life, but three years of dealing with a dry drunk was probably the most damaging relationship I've ever had! I left him in the end, and he started back with AA ( not for me) and he is such a different person! Even his energy is different! I have no advise ( even if that was the Alanon way) just sharing your pain! At least when they're drinking you can think 'if only they'd stop drinking' dry is so hard to deal with! Please done let him convince you that you are at fault! It creeps up on you and before you know it... You start to believe it! Wishing you the best!
The early stages of sobriety the actual drinking might not be there but the drinking mindset is there. I too suffered those early days of that mindset. He was sober but still acting deceitful. He even took money out of my pocketbook! The last thing you want is to come out of this bitter and hard. What has been working for me, is to journal in writing him letters every day. Not giving them to him but keep them in my journal. I write to him about happier times, how I feel, if I am angry or hurt by him. It keeps me sane and soft. It keeps me out of his recovery and the focus on me. Good luck.
Thanks for the welcome! I jumped over from the 12 step board. I've been reading and decided I needed to be a part of this as well. Thanks for a place where true ESH are shared!
