The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What does it mean if someone is emotionally unavailable? Does it mean they aren't/cant meet our needs and if so is it our jobs to deal with these needs? Are alanon folks needy people just as part of our own dis-ease? Is our higher power the answer to our perceived needs? Also, are we alanoners attracted to emotionally unavailable people and if so why?
Thanks for any thoughts you share with me.
-- Edited by el-cee on Monday 14th of November 2016 08:50:45 AM
I came to realize that I attracted emotionally unavailable men because I'm emotionally unavailable. To mean that means being afraid of being my authentic self out of fear of rejection. That's my definition. Alanon has helped me realize that I can show all of myself to safe people and it's not about them .. It's me. I'm ok with what other people think about me it isn't my business. It's not about other people meeting my needs it's about being true to me regardless of what other people think. I'm currently in a relationship that it's unlike anything I've been involved with .. I'm able to be me and it's ok .. Even when I'm not ok. Hugs ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi LC I believe that alanon encourages us to meet many of our own needs with the alanon tools of detachment and prayers to HP.I think that being emotionally available means that I am available for somebody else for emotional support and share an emotional bond with them.
My understanding of "Being emotionally unavailable" means that that I cannot identify with another's pain or joy and am not able to share an emotional bond.
I once thought that i had to feel the same feelings as my loved one but I found in alanon that this is not so. Because I was feeling other people's feelings. I was always trying to" fix" the problem so I would feel better. With alanon I learned that i needed to allow other to feel their own feelings so they can process the events and arrive at the place of acceptance. All I needed to do was to simply identify with the person, have compassion and empathy for them during their time of need and offer support as best I can. Looking forward to others shares.
Emotionally Unavailable: Partner who create barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted. Emotionally Unavailable people find it hard to make time for friends and loved ones. Emotionally unavailable people are sometimes addicts; Whether the addiction is to work, drugs, food, television, exercise, a hobby or the Internet, it will take up a considerable amount of time and energy and leave little time for you. Always criticizes you. Full of excuses for why they cannot be there with you, do things with you, or be available to you for support, than they are emotionally unavailable. When you are emotionally unavailable, sharing feelings within the relationship is avoided and if you bring it up, youre often mocked as being hysterical, overly emotional or just plain silly. If your partner has a private life (Secret Keeper) from which you are excluded, there are probably serious trust issues which undermine the emotional connection.
Oh......great topic and hurting my head with thinking about this!!! LOLOL...
Here's my thoughts - of course, as with all - take what you like and leave the rest...
What does it mean if someone is emotionally unavailable? Closed off from others - physically, emotionally, spiritually or intellectually. Can be a choice for self-protection or taught based on FOO and patterns in FOO.
Does it mean they aren't/cant meet our needs and if so is it our jobs to deal with these needs? I don't think they aren't able or can't meet our needs - more our wants. In recovery, I was taught that needs are the basics - food, water, shelter - all other are wants. In the reality of addiction, keeping it simple has always served me well. I believe each of us (Al-Anon, Earth People, Addicts, etc.) is responsible for fulfilling all of our needs and our wants. We fulfill all of these by using our free will to seek out other people, places and things to support our wants/needs.
Are alanon folks needy people just as part of our own dis-ease? I do believe for a variety or reasons that many Al-Anon members are needy. They've not yet learned or chosen to realize that happiness is an inside job, with spiritual guidance and support.
Is our higher power the answer to our perceived needs? I do believe that a spiritual journey is the answer to all of my needs and wants.
Also, are we alanoners attracted to emotionally unavailable people and if so why? Yes, because like attracts like. I agree with Serenity that we were masks out of fear that the real us/me will not be loved, worthy, likable, etc. When we accept that we were created to be exactly as we are, and we are worthy, we become more available/healthy. The healthier we become, the more attractive we are to healthy people.
Just as misery loves company, healthy people prefer like-minded. We are told in early recovery to 'hang with the winners'. There's a reason for this, I believe. When I surround myself with positive people, I feel more centered. When I am surrounded with chaotic/dramatic people, I feel ready to bolt often towards the serenity of my HP and my new life.
Great thought-provoking questions. I am still working to become more emotionally available. There are some quizzes online you can find/take if you are not sure where you land on the spectrum! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I came, I came to, I came to believe. I came to meetings, I found a higher power, got a sponsor, worked the steps of Alanon - I came to. I entered the Alanon program being emotionally out of touch. I didn't know who I was, how I felt or if my feelings could be trusted. Through working the program of recovery I became available to myself. That self knowledge guides my choices today. I "listen and learn." I listen for my hp's will for me, the message in the shares of other Alanons and continue to build on my recovery. This is a program of honesty. The more I've worked through denial, the more I've grown to know my true self. It can be a painful process but the reward of emotional health is very worth it. There is personal power in having the ability to act rather than be acted upon. I can choose to remove myself from people, places and things that aren't good energy for my life. I no longer fear how I will be affected. I use boundaries and other tools of Alanon if I choose to participate. The decision is mine today and every day. Who will lead me - my higher power or my past? Thanks for you questions and insights (((elcee)))) Lots of great responses as always :) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I used to feel attracted to emotionally unavailable people because I was soooo over emotional that I pulled for people to say 'don't worry" or "forget about that" or "I agree life sucks and mine does too." What this caused was me getting with stunted people OR emotional drama queens like I was. Both were unavailable. The balance is handling your emotions and the other person doing that too, but also being able to share them appropriately.
Interesting thought provoking topic. For me, the addicted people in my life have become emotionally unavailable after the addiction set in. It is as if that part of them has died and not returned. I believe as recovery progresses this improves as I see little glimpses in my AD now but overall she does not seem to be particularly connected or sensitive to the needs or wants of others. My now deceased father had similar traits as did my brother. I do not feel that Al anoners are particularly needy people but perhaps we become that way by the continuous rejection when addiction is active. The beauty of this program and the gift is that I have learned to go to other sources to get my needs met and not put all my eggs in one basket so to speak. I accept that others simply may not have to give what I need and that is ok.
"I Don't Care" is the mantra of the emotionally unavailable person. They are not in touch with others on a emotional/feeling basis and have nothing or little or little to add to a relationship whatever the make up. I ended up feeling alone even when she and I were together; alone and empty. When I learned to love without needing I started getting well. (((hugs)))
. With alanon I learned that i needed to allow other to feel their own feelings so they can process the events and arrive at the place of acceptance. All I needed to do was to simply identify with the person, have compassion and empathy for them during their time of need and offer support as best I can. 