The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I called all the relatives, what few there are, to tell them of my brother's passing. Apparently, he lied to them about me and said I had cut him out of our lives! He also lied about them as I found out my cousin did not forbid him from attending funeral. My cousin said she confronted him about what she thought was pain pill abuse! He then proceeded to tell lies about her and smear her reputation. My brother told me my other cousin wouldn't speak to him, but that also was not so. OMG all this was a big lie. He said that my cousin's girlfriend was hitting on him, NEVER HAPPENED!
My brother also told lies to his friend that our dad had abused him, and he DID NO SUCH THING. I remember those incidents, and my dad was certainly not a perfect parent, but he did not beat him as he told everyone. I was there. My husband remembers one of the incidents and he said that never happened.
Before he passed away, my brother said he had done terrible things. I told him, well then make amends. That was before I knew he was not going to make it. Well now I know exactly what he was talking about.
Wow alcoholism really is insanity. I am trying to have sympathy, but this is a lot to take. I am trying to think of like when my aunt had Alzheimers and she accused me of taking her Social security check. I would just ignore her and pretend to return the item. So I guess he was not himself.
Lucy the disease of alcoholism is indeed dreadful. I would simply be truthful about his condition and refuse to engage in the gossip about what was said or done. That is how I handled it when my son passed. I simply validated the fact that he had a disease and tried hard to recover. I love how you handled your Aunt's alzheimer disease, you have great compassion and empathy
(((Anne))) - sorry that you were the bearer of the news for extended family. I am with Betty - deliver the facts and step away from the rest. It's of new value in trying to heal/deal with the loss. I too love how you dealt with your Aunt and her illness....acting as if has saved me in many situations!!
Positive thoughts and prayers continue for your healing...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Your brother was behaving like a sick alcoholic, nothing more really and It might be better for you to not engage in all this talk, hes no longer here to defend himself even if he could or to make amends. Forgiveness may be the best way for you to go on this one. Take care.x
Lucy at the end of your post it appears that you have arrived at some value of empathy for your brother and understanding of where he was at and what he was doing. That sounds like grace giving on your part and might your Higher Power also like that and do the same for him. I like to think that way so that I don't beat up sick people. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Recent research says: alcoholism is a complex interaction between genetics and environment. I am not smart enough to know how much of his alcoholism was under his control. HP can decide that.
I do know that he knew what he was doing was wrong because he told me: I have done terrible things very terrible things. I told him to ask for amends, but he did not. Now I know what those terrible things were.
The moral of this story, excessive praise, indulgence and lack of boundaries creates NPD and about 50 percent of people with NPD use drugs. Don't indulge your kids too much. Perhaps, this story will not be repeated.
Lucy I have been following your story. First, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Second, I have a great deal of empathy because I feel like it's a story I might be telling one day.
I am in the beginning stages of walking away from family members. You are at the end of that process.
However, both of us are just as confused as the other. Your story tells me that the pain and confusion of addiction can linger in families, no matter how many years pass and how hard you try to stay away from it.
I wanted to commend you on your strength going through this, and encourage you to keep using your Al Anon tools to put people in their place where HIS addiction is concerned.
Each time I tell you "it's not your fault".. I need to hear it myself.
