The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH chose to stay up late watching tv. He is now tired. He also asked "how much am I required to participate today?"
To which I responded, "You get to chooses for yourself." (Yay tools!) But then I asked, "Are you low energy? It sounds like you don't want to hang out with us." (Woops, maybe shouldn't poke the bear) And now he's mad at me for phrasing things wrong in his eyes.
At this moment, I'm mad. Mad at him for choosing selfish behaviors. Mad that he tried to pin blame on me for pointing out his coded language of disinterest. He had no interest in spending time with me, his son, or our friends who are coming over this morning and I just want to remember this feeling. This is not what it feels like to be loved.
He is sulking and I feel like he is trying to manipulate me. I just feel done. I'm really not interested in this behavior and it is making me mad.
I see those as opportunities to leave other people with their stuff. Yes .. It's irritating to have to ask someone to participate in a family/friend thing. My job is to focus on my fun for the day. They miss out and it's not my issue. He may come around on his own. I make statements to my 12 year old have a good time or horrible time your choice .. It is not your prerogative to go out of your way to cause drama for the rest of us. Your misery doesn't look like fun. He has a good time in spite of himself and I keep my comments to myself. The evening will end with a hug and him mumbling well I guess I had a good time lol. My youngest is 12 and struggles between having fun or being an annoying teenager with the attitude to boot lol. I try to love him where he is at .. most days a get the incredible kid he is .. Some days I am looking to find a place to return him for a full refund .. Sig others are a pain at times .. Living/loving someone else can be difficult. Stay on your side of the street .. Makes like a lot easier in my experience. ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
All I know is if my AH doesn't want to participate in a planned event, he will do whatever he can to make it miserable for all involved. It's been easier for me to make my plans acting as if he won't join and invite him along. That way, if he comes - great and if he doesn't - great. For me, I just had to stop wanting 'normal' and stop expecting 'normal' and deal with my own reality as best I could.
It was kind of awkward feeling at first, and now it's our new normal. I respect him enough to not force him into things that don't appeal and it's given me peace of mind to know it's OK either way.
'Normal' is over-rated and I was trying to force 'normal' based on my values and how I was raised up. We did many things as a family (not optional) when I was young and I assumed that was 'normal'. He came from a family of 10 and they did not - not enough $$ and 2 parents directing, driving and managing 8 kid's activities. His 'normal' was very different than mine.
So sorry that your guy made choices that affected your plans. Hopeful you had a Plan B and had a great time anyways!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The other day I forced my RAH into going food shopping with me even though he was complaining his leg hurt and he hates to go. A normal food shopping I would just go, but It was one of those food shopping trips that we were out of Everything, right down to the ketchup and mustard. I have been working long hours, and that kind of food shopping is hard with one person. So, I insisted he go. He eats it, he can help buy it. It turned out to be fine he complained the whole time but I held steadfast. When it comes to social events, my office Christmas party, his IOP get together, etc. We each get an option to go or not.
Every once in a while I need a reality check - AH is not the most wonderful partner and it helps to honestly see his flaws and feel their full impact on me. In the past I accepted EVERYTHING and was so confused about love, his poor treatment of me made me work harder to win his affections.
It is fine, he can choose to hide in our bedroom when a guest is here and he can choose to stay home when we go to a function. He can even choose to try manipulating me. I also get to choose though, and it's important for me to recognize his choices and manipulative behaviors so I can make the choices that serve my well being.
I'm still questioning my marriage and moments like this are important for me to sit with my feelings. AH can't be the engaged father and husband I want him to be with these behaviors, and honestly I think I deserve better.
And I did have fun, it was a great day without AH. I'm just noticing the reality that most of my great days are without AH. And that isn't what I want for my marriage.
We all deserve to make the best of our life and have fun.
I was struck by your comment that 'his poor treatment made you want to work harder for his affections'. Ugh! I wish I didn't recognise that, but I do. I stopped 'working harder' a few years ago and started concentrating on making the best of my life, regardless. I figured that all of us have free will, and as IAH says, I plan my life for me, and if my husband wants to come along, fine. If he doesn't fine. If he complains about life being difficult, I'm not interested in listening because my life is interesting!!
I'm glad that your day turned out well.
PS . My house is kind of snuggled into the edge of a meadow and the first flower to arrive, and the last to leave at the end of the year, is your lovely dandelion, we are surrounded by them! I always smile when I see your picture here!
Hey Tara
I can relate to your post. I had to let go and let God a lot with my AH around social plans. The nice part about it is I learned to give myself options too. I don't have to be part of everything he wants to do either. And I will always have a better time doing something by myself than doing something with him he doesn't want to do. And HEY that's ok. Being able to be more independent has been a great gift of the program. I try not to let his bad mood ruin my mood or day and I find life much more enjoyable. I'm glad to hear you had fun. I'm sorry to hear that isn't what you want from your marriage. Take care.
Yes, in addition to addiction issues my AH has untreated anxiety issues. He has unhealthy thinking and is very reliant on me for things that involve other humans or new experiences.
I get tired of holding his hand through those things and watching him continue to resist healing or treatment of any kind. It isn't healthy for any of us.
He is of course still a nice man with a caring side but hurtful and unhealthy patterns are there too. I am in the process of learning to hold both truths.
