The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Coming up on a year since I returned to al-anon and grateful for the changes in my life. Thanks to the program and HP, I've set boundaries about pot in my house and excessive drinking, and my husband has complied. I no longer feel compelled to check for levels in bottles. The unmistakable scent of pot hidden in the garage is gone. I feel much calmer about my life and live day to day without the sense of impending doom. However, I feel our marriage is in dry dock. There's no fun, very little communication, a lot of quiet evenings and a lot of wishing on my part that I was by myself. I use my tools to communicate in a healthy way and get angry, defensive responses. Sometimes it feels easier just not to talk, but I wonder if this is enabling. Last time this happened (he shut down any further talk of thanksgiving plans), I broached the subject later, and he said he felt he was wrong and it was easier to just stop talking. Good to know, but how is that supposed to work? Two grownups would figure out a way to take a break and revisit the topic. I don't want to be in charge of his side and my side.
He drove to his son's house for the day yesterday, about 1.5 hrs away. They tend to drink heavily together. Texted me that he was getting coffee and heading home around 9:30 last night. I feel terrible about wanting him to have an accident or get a DWI. These are my thoughts though. Pretty much of a warning sign when my idea of a resolution involves disaster or injury. I know enough to know that I can rescue myself and don't need some external circumstance to trigger action on my part. I've read about this type of thinking in the CAL and I get that's it's part of my al-anonness.
We've been married six years. I feel I have a liability and not a partner. I feel like a parent and keeper. I'm sad that I don't feel love for this person I married. I'm trying to live in the present but all I can think of right now is how to broach the subject of divorce.
We've been attending open AA meetings on Sundays. We will go to one today. He has no program because he has no problems. I am praying for HP's will in this. I don't want to impose my will and "force a solution." My thoughts keep turning to endings though.
I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I have more than one qualifier living in my home. I know I should be happy and grateful RAH is 48 days sober, Son is 21 days clean. The last thing I want is to come out of this bitter and resentful. I wish I had an answer for you, that it will be ok, but I don't. I keep praying and writing in my Scripture Armor book. I am white knuckling it though and it does suck. I wish their was a rehab for the spouses/family members. Some place that isn't an insane asylum. Hugs
(((Hugs))) to both....for me, when I am wondering why things are as they are, I tend to be my own worst critic. I believe that we who live with this disease are stronger than we even realize and that we are hero(s) whether we know it or not. It's not easy to stay and it's not easy to go. We don't want to be failures and we are fearful of success.
Know that I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers to both of you. It will get better - stay program focused and believe good things are yet to come! That's the way I got through it - by having faith that a power greater than me could and would restore me to sanity and give me serenity...
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The own worst critic part is so true for me!!! I remember growing up I was the one who always had to retrieve my drunken father from wherever he was. One of the many local bars, some woman's house, (I had more "Aunts" than I knew what to do with lol) I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone and at from the age of 12 when I didn't even have a license to drive, I was driving around in a the beater truck fetching my father. On the way home from where ever my father would tell me I was the "perfect daughter" He would announce to the bar his "perfect daughter" has come to bring him home. I had to be "perfect" get good grades, stayed straight as an arrow, and put up with his crap. Now, when things aren't perfect and I am not perfect...I looked to myself as the cause. I am working on understanding I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and if my HP forgives me and accepts me as I am that's all that matters. It's amazing how a few words beat into your head years ago can set you up for a lifetime of anxiety and self criticism. Smh.
