The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Woke up this rainy Saturday morning with an inner confidence. Following what felt like a battering over the last few days in my mind and attitudes. It feels like i am coming out the other end having had a darn good kick about and review of my outdated thinking patterns.
A lot of completely unfounded guilt has been offloaded.
This site has been amazing. Every post i read speaks to me.
I think the biggest change is that I no longer feel the need to cater to AH and his mood swinging whims and pretences. That is his disease in him trying to make him feel comfortable for the damage it is doing to him.
I can feel empathy but don't have to take part in the three ring circus of insane justifications he seems to want me to go along with. My childhood home was the same way.
I feel a great sense of freedom in this. I can detach and keep moving along with my own day.
The shift in my own brain is that I see what is said to me as empty words. I feel that in my tummy. Empty sad words from a very seriously ill man.
AH is dying from heart failure, alcoholic neuropathy, COPD, stroke as well as other ailments.
The doctors have said were all caused by alcohol and heavy smoking.
My, it feels good to write the truth. AH denies he is ill a lot of the time unless he is using it as an excuse to get out of doing something!
So this is the situation me and my diseased thinking got me into.
I feel hope in that statement.
I feel hope in this statement too that as AHs carer, it is tricky to pick out legitimate nursing needs as opposed to his alcoholic thinking needs. I don't want to enable however I do like to give sane nursing care. Quite a difficult path.
As another statement of my truth, I guess I am happy, content and serene about 90% of my time. I never thought I would achieve this.
Gosh, is good to write this out. My spirits are soaring.
I also LOVE that I no longer people please. With anyone. That feeling is amazing. I don't automatically go along with agreeing with what others say or want me to do.
I remain neutral. Love love love this feeling. This pleasant feeling of being in a warm space of being myself.
Of, as chatted about with IAmHere, not feeling I have to know or do everything. I can again just be me. In my nice comfy clothes and comfy body.
I notice my gut reactions improving greatly, or maybe it is more that I honour them now. I had taught myself to over ride them.
My body gives me good guidance. My tummy often says ok time to remove yourself.
Full of gratitude today.
My growth and inner peace seems to grow after a period of challenges.
So today I am off to my Slimming club which i thoroughly enjoy. Nice bunch of ladies. I am on the social team and help out with the running of it. Followed a nice healthy lunch.
Then in the afternoon, a bit of snoozing in front of the telly.
Also I like to treat myself to pretty things. There's a fabulous make up set I have spotted that I will order for myself.
What a miracle to read how you are using the program to achieve 90% serenity while living with this disease. In my book, that's a top grade!
I do understand the dilemma of giving care vs. enabling. From what I read, you are plugged into the program and will receive the right kind of energy to make decisions moment by moment. Have a wonderful day!
Also love this! I need to hear this brand of ESH. As a double winner, I get a lot out of AA, but seeing Alanon work miracles is incredible and useful to me. Great job and thank you.
Thank you Calm Lady. Not only do I learn a great deal from your generosity of spirit when you share your ESH, your kick-a** writing skills reveal a witty intelligent and authentic author.
Great, great, great share and topic. Calm Lady - I hope you have a great day! I too love to see our recovery unfold. I too am a double winner and believe that the other program helped me understand and recover from my relationship with substances and my brain. For me, this program has helped me understand and recover from the damage caused by my attitudes, views and distorted thinking towards myself and all others. Al-Anon has propelled me much deeper into me, what makes me tick, what makes me who I truly am. I've learned that I am much, much more than just an imperfect person with a tendency towards addictive behavior.
I am a child of God and I am worthy. My higher power truly wants me to be happy, joyous and free from all that chains me - whatever that is. When I stumble, he wants me to dust myself off, hug me, and move forward with grace and dignity. He doesn't want me beaten down by me or things around me.
My AH also has health issues, and one day at a time, I am of service as best I can be without sacrificing my soul. I never thought I could do this, and many days had no interest in doing this, yet I feel called to be right here, right now to grow, learn and experience what's in my life presently.
I'm so grateful for the new level of growth, awareness and serenity and for all here who are a part of that journey. Al-Anon has helped me leave behind my own worst critic - me - and to grow in ways I didn't know possible.
Make it a great day all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I love how you express your progress and oh my god, its progress. thank you for sharing your journey calmlady, its this program in action and you are a brilliant example for me. you share it with such enthusiasm and also humility. keep on keeping on. x
Thank you all so much for the lovely shares and comments. I appreciate them.
Thanks El, Betty, Free time, Pink Chip, Geems, IAmHere, El-Cee, Milkwood & Jen61.
I do feel positive, even the tough times can be viewed as positive as they always least to big growth. Hahaha, not that I think that as I am going through them!
Popped into my head today that i have been with AH for 13 years. I drank with him for 6 1/2 years & have been sober 6 1/2 years. Dead in the middle. So this time onwards feels kind of exciting.
