Suzann - I am sending you positive thoughts and tons of prayers. My best suggestions are all from our program - first, just breathe.....breathe and know that others understand. The disease reaches far and wide and everyone is affected. I have 2 kids and do recall many times where it was 2 against 1 and even at times all 3 against one. I went and picked out a female dog so I would not be outnumbered by the males in our home!!
I'll suggest you try and do things just for you - don't have to cost $$ - take a walk, listen to some music, read some literature. When my mind was where your mind is, my sponsor would suggest over and over again the gratitude lists, asset lists and trying to focus on what was working better instead of what was still broken/not working well.

Recovery is a spiritual journey; for me, it did start with conscious efforts to change my own attitude. I could go negative or self-pity in a heartbeat and that was just not a good place to be for trying to be more spiritual. Tons of meetings and heartfelt discussions with program friends carried me further than I even knew then.

Know that this too shall pass, and there is hope and help in keeping your efforts forward facing in recovery. One Day at a Time, it will get better!

You are not alone!

Hi Fooled,

I completely understand those feelings, they consumed me for some time as well. I used to mutter 'nobody says well done to the spouse of an alcoholic...' Pout!! Did it help? Not really, apart from providing enough fuel for me to get on with things that I wanted to do, that made me feel good about myself regardless of what my husband was doing. That frustration/anger that I felt allowed me to do nice things without feeling guilty. I needed to 'get better' and that was where I put my focus as much as I could.

I also found it useful to sit down and ask myself what it was that I needed/expected. I think that I felt the need for a little appreciation and I believe that is a very natural female need. Since others had their own paths to carve, I provided my own gratitude and appreciation and continue to do so when I remember! It made a lot of difference.

So sending ((((hugs))))). It is natural to have the feelings that you describe here I think - after all, we don't change overnight!

((((FOOLED)))) - Congratulations on holding EVERYTHING together by yourself for so long!!! I am VERY PROUD of you and ADMIRE your strength!!!!! You are a beautiful, kind, caring and compassionate woman who doesn't deserve any of this. I hope things get better for you soon and I hope and pray that your AH continues on the path of sobriety. YOU deserve a sober spouse that is pulling his weight with the household income and responsibilities!!! Love ya!

Thank you all for your wisdom and compassion Taking what I like out of all :

When my mind was where your mind is, my sponsor would suggest over and over again the gratitude lists, asset lists and trying to focus on what was working better instead of what was still broken/not working well.

I could go negative or self-pity in a heartbeat

I also found it useful to sit down and ask myself what it was that I needed/expected. I think that I felt the need for a little appreciation and I believe that is a very natural female need. Since others had their own paths to carve, I provided my own gratitude and appreciation and continue to do so when I remember! It made a lot of difference.

That was a great contribution to his growing up.

Congratulations on holding EVERYTHING together by yourself for so long!!! I am VERY PROUD of you and ADMIRE your strength!!!!! You are a beautiful, kind, caring and compassionate woman who doesn't deserve any of this. I hope things get better for you soon and I hope and pray that your AH continues on the path of sobriety. YOU deserve a sober spouse that is pulling his weight with the household income and responsibilities!!

I do one minute at a time. A person can take almost anything for one minute.

Gratitude List assets lists and what is working wonderful idea. I have started a Scripture Armor Journal and write a scripture in response to what I am feeling that day and write a letter to my HP regarding what I am thankful for or what I need his assistance with. I had hoped I wasn't being negative or full of self pity but I guess I was/am at times. Since complaining is a sin I guess I should focus on what is good and trust my HP that he is bringing me to something good: Which is what FooledMeTwice wrote a functioning spouse who pulls his own weight. That is what my I need and expect. A partnership. At almost 50 there should not be a financial disaster like this. I want to be secure physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. That is my need. Growing up in an alcoholic home there was never any security in any shape or form. Betty, that is so true. My son at 24 needs to grow up. He has made some good moves the last month. He budgeted wrong last week and its not my business to know how but he couldn't pay his cell phone bill and asked me to pay it and he will pay me back with his next check. When I said I didn't know that I could do that as I had my own bills to pay I got the "Why cant you trust and believe that I am not using and have been clean. I am not asking for drug money" That's not it, well maybe a little. That's where the guilt comes in. I can no longer be the bank of Suzann. I am very disappointed that my daughter has become so narcissistic. I don't like having to use her car, I would much rather drive my jeep. I have to work and continue to put a roof over everyones head. Food in their stomach. I cant do that on foot. I shouldn't have to JADE. Her feelings are its not her fault he has nothing to drive, I/she deserves better, I should just leave him. Well, I love him, I'd still be using her car because technically it's still his jeep. I do deserve better not just from him though. I am trying, I am working hard and have made progress, I would like it acknowledged. I have stayed out of my A's recovery this time. I would like him to take notice. My daughter wants to be treated like an adult, she has a job, she gets good grades, I bought her a car but I need to borrow it for a while...I shouldn't have to argue about it.

I live in a house of addiction. I have chosen to stay. Somehow I have put myself in a state of mind where I am the female of the Xmen and I have my shield up deflecting all the power balls of addiction off of me. When I miss one and it hits me it stings and throws me off track. Maybe I need to lower the being able to stand it for a minute to a second. The sting will only last a second, and Ill be ok. Maybe then I can let the shield down a little if its only going to last a second.

I am with geems - you're awesome and you're working it......I did get a chuckle out of 'Bank of ...' - I vividly remember having that discussion with my children. In spite of being taught differently, they both had expectations that they could blow off high school, get hand outs for gas, social, etc. and that we would also just write checks for college. Needless to say, when I closed the Bank of ... around here, it was an adjustment for us all.

However, they learned how to survive financially. They learned that shopping sales is not a bad thing. They learned that cell phones do get shut off if the bill is not paid. They learned about what a credit score is and how collector's act when you commit to a payment schedule and default. They are 24 and 22, and I no longer have to remind them that we are on a fixed income. They've made it and are actually doing well with that aspect of their life.

I never wanted them to want for things and that was 'my bad'. I didn't want them to miss out of events, etc. and that too was 'my bad'. When they rebelled, and I imposed rules, they learned to manipulate as my rules were not proper boundaries. A good old fashion family meeting in the form of a "Come to Jesus" session helped me be truthful about finances, independence and the realities of life being difficult at times was one of the best things I ever did.

In a family, one should never have to bear the burden of troubled times - no matter what the trouble is. My parents had sheltered us big time growing up, so I thought that's what good parents did. I was shell-shocked into reality when I left home. It was a major hurdle that I was not expecting. It was life-changing. I tried to do it a bit different, but did ... one day just call a meeting and close the family bank, the family taxi service, the family laundry service, and the family cleaning service, etc.

You deserve a break and you deserve support. I had done for everyone for so, so, so long that when I had to change that up, it was hard but the best thing I ever did! Keep working on you and you'll 'see' that you matter - they will too!

I reached my bottom about two weeks ago. I completely surrendered. The problem is there a person in my household that is not of age for me to let go of. I tried to have a conversation with that person last night. I approached in an adult manner about their behavior, their suspected drug use, their narcissistic attitude and the response I got was they DO NOT CARE. I accept full responsibility. For so long after I divorced their Drug using Alcoholic father, I gave them everything they ever wanted, because I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to like me and love me more than their father. That's my truth. This is what I am stuck with. Ungrateful, narcissistic, unremorseful brats. It is time for me to detach.

I also made the mistake of over indulging my kids and getting exactly what I should have, brats. I totally understand. For me it was driven by guilt, guilt that I never gave them the life I wanted to give them and instead they got a sick dysfunctional family that has damaged everyone. I have to remember I did the best with what I knew at that time. I know better so Im doing better. I began putting healthy boundaries in place with my kids with fair consequences to back up my boundaries. I had to let go, even with my children, I let go of the idea that I owed them and that It was my job to make them happy. I dont believe it is, even with young children. I had to get clear my actual job as their parent and remove the sick thinking I had confused with my role as a Mother. It became pretty clear and simple to be honest and my kids have responded well to the changed Mother they have. They are older now and I have let go of much more of my mother role. So with everything, this too shall pass.

Thank you all for understanding how I feel. Fooledmetwice I so appreciate your support. It seems like its still all jumbled up in my head. I for some reason want to categorize in my head, into black and white files, RAH, daughter, son #1, son #2....etc. I am so guilty of all of that el-cee and I did what you did Iamhere. After growing up in an alcoholic home I wanted to give my children what I didn't get. Security and Happiness. Somehow I took that responsibility and put it on myself. I vividly recall the blow up between by ExAH when I kicked him out after discussing a two year affair in which he blamed me for making him unhappy because I "wouldn't let him do what he wanted" saying I am not responsible for world peace, the war in Iraq and your personal happiness. But then turned around and made it my job to make my kids happy. Obviously, at the time I was so broken that I thought that I had to provide for people to love me. In my head I became a joke to my children and my RAH as the puppet on the string. I don't think I am far off with that illustration but no one has come out and directly said it. Jerry F you are so right it effects everyone! Despite my warnings to my children that alcoholism and addiction runs in both sides of their family, they hurt too, and look to stuff to numb the pain. So did I. Thanks for the enlightenment.

Reading this thread I have come to realize, it's all jumbled in my head because its all jumbled together in a chaos called living in a home with addiction. It is not fair, but it is what it is. I am still discontent and jealous of my RAH progress and not able to acknowledge my own because Im still trying to put things in black and white. I feel responsible for where things are now. I have the expectation that everything is going to be peaches and cream as long as my RAH stays sober. That's not fair. The truth is my children and myself have been effected by the disease of alcoholism long before my RAH came in to the picture. I made mistakes in my parenting and as a wife of both A's because the way the disease effected me.

Now comes Iamhere's favorite go to little ditty: Bless them; change me.

Thank you so much for giving me hope. Today is a new day and although its early morning and I already feel like I have served the chow line with one direct hit from each of them ...NEXT! I am ok. Each one was a nano second of sting, which is an improvement. Yesterday, RAH called an audible and insisted everyone let me sleep. Not to wake me up for church, I needed to sleep and heal my mind. I woke up at almost noon. LOL I was disappointed in missing church, but I thought it was a loving tender gesture of all of them. A glimmer of I matter. Finding the good in everything