The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone. Now that the holiday season is about to be upon us, I wanted to share something that came up with me and my AH. It sort of made me laugh but not in a way that I would share out loud to anyone but this group. My AH and his mom have had ongoing issues now that his drinking is public knowledge. I stay out of it. Even tho it inevitably leads to a discussion about US and it takes ALL my effort not to engage in the fight that would naturally ensue. I've done pretty well with that so far.
Anyway, it came up that we're not going to do Thanksgiving with his family. This would be the first time in over a decade. AH is pretty unhappy about it. He had told his mother our travel schedule 9 weeks ago and she still refused to do anything about the fact that his brother and step brothers preferred to do other stuff on other dates. Sometimes I wonder if it also might have a little to do with the booze. But whatever, that's their zoo, and their monkey. So instead, we are going to drive 6.5 hrs to his hometown (where we still have a residence) and pointedly ignore his family for the 36 hours we are going to be there.
Also, he got into a fight with my mother when she came to visit us the other week. We're still invited to Thanksgiving at her house (9 hours in another direction) but we're not staying long and have many relations coming so we can keep pretty well distracted there from her giving my AH the silent treatment.
I'm finding myself strangely excited about this. I have discovered over the years that holidays take a lot out of me. And a lot of that has to do with his family. And him. And the bad dynamics. I'm so excited about it I have an urge to brag about it on FB. But that would be causing drama and I'd have to give back all my "progress badges" that I feel I've earned in the past few months of working on myself.
My epiphany for the month: self care time includes holidays. Maybe especially so at holidays. Like, holidays with family are only worth it if they don't make your day WORSE. We've planned our own "staycation" at a hotel for a night. This will be the first time I haven't spent the ENTIRE week cleaning three houses (ours, my mother in laws, and my mom's), helping to cook two major turkey dinners (like for 10+ people each) ... I might actually just lay down for awhile.
(((Fedora))) - Holidays no longer cause me too much stress. It took me a ton of courage, but I now do what I want to do. I go to my family if it moves me. I am not concerned about my AH's family - if we get invited and want to go - I go. We take separate cars if we go any place. I've also just cooked here and invited my immediate family for T-Giving. Last year, my oldest son went to my family's party and we did not go. I give everyone their freedom to choose and do the same. My youngest came here - 2 hours late - I made him a plate and he ate and then went to work.
At Christmas, I do the same. It's a bit more complicated as my parents are here. However, with boundaries put in place and shared, they no longer push me to follow their agenda. I choose if I go or do not go. I do usually go and same - take my own care, come/go when I want and visit with whom I choose to.
It took me a long time to realize that holidays are about family and fun. That includes me too!!! I have never yet gotten to see my grand-kids open any gifts and it's made me sad. However, that also means I don't have to go shop the stores for them, but instead just put cash into a bank account for them when they are adult age.
Holidays can be so, so stressful - one wiser than I pointed out years ago that it truly is just another day!! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Fedora and Iamhere, Thank you so much for sharing how you are taking care of yourselves during the holidays. It does my heart good to read this. I will post more on this later, but just wanted to say thanks for now.
Im so grateful that this holiday season i wont have to sit and watch xah and his family drunk and cold at the holidays. 25 yrs they ignored me and i now see it was those people not worth knowing. Cant tell you the ways i bent into a million ways to please them,impress them and win their favor.
Nooooo more, this year ill have a loving meaningful season with my wonderful boyfriend and the "real" me.
I'm excited for this year too! This will be the first year EVER that I am not focused on making anyone happy but my kids and I. If we get invited somewhere and I want to go, I'll go. And on the flip side, if I get an invitation I don't want, I won't worry about who it's going to offend and the drama that will follow when I say "no thank you"
I love not caring anymore. No more spinning plates trying to make everyone happy! They all end up miserable and hating you in the end anyway - no matter what you do! Save yourself the trouble and stayyyy hooooome!!!!
So glad for this thread. I'm feeling a lot better about the holidays this year, but still have some triggers lingering from the past, spending holidays with my late AH's family and their own dynamics (which I now understand, they also have been affected by the family disease), and the crises/trauma brought on in recent years by the progression of my husband's disease. Back then, I didn't have any tools of detachment, although when I finally learned and used the 3 C's it was a help.
Last year, I skipped the holidays altogether. I left town and went on "me" vacations ... not even being with my adult kids, who were well able to take care of their own holidays. This year I'm not running away.
I just love what you all have shared:
- Holidays with family are only worth it if they don't make your day WORSE.
- Take your own car
- Celebrating holidays as the "real me" (who knew there even WAS a real me?)
- No more spinning plates trying to make everyone happy!
This year, I'm keeping it as simple as possible. I'll do something if it's fun for me, otherwise not.
I agree - what a great thread. I've already shared the dates my parents are arriving with my oldest and his family. They can choose when to come over or not. I've made it clear to both of my boys that my mother (g-ma to them) is probably not going to be around for the following holiday. She's tired of fighting her heart disease and is slowing down/giving up. I respect what ever she wants to do as she's had a great run...
I'm sending my youngest an email tonight about it as we're on opposite schedules (he works nights so we talk more via email and text). For me, that's my part and then I let God do his thing.
I do plan to have a big dinner shin-dig here for my dad's side of the family. I just need to pick the date and go for it. I'm a casual entertainer so we'll do potluck of some sort. That will allow me to keep the 82 year old parents out of the cold for one night. They both left her sick last year and it took a bit for them to get well.
They are no longer happy with the winter weather/temperatures since they've retired to AZ and I don't blame them. Anything I can do to make it easier on them is good with me.
I no longer decorate for Christmas - I gave that burden up shortly after recovery. I was the only one who enjoyed it and decided the effort was not worth the reward. So - I agree - keeping it as simple as I can helps me keep my serenity!! (((Hugs))) to all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am looking forward to a nice peaceful Christmas too. Not having to race around to see toxic demanding parents.
I shall tuck AH away in his den and thoroughly enjoy the quietness. I have a glorious meeting to look forward to on Christmas Eve at lunchtime. Then my fabulous Al-anon meeting on Boxing Day so a nice sandwich of strength and support either side.
Christmas in previous years has been exhausting and certainly not enjoyable.
Having a nice meal with the healthy part of my family a few days before Christmas. Lovely.
I don't plan to put up decorations, not my thing. Instead I love scented candles so have treated myself to some nice Christmas themed ones.
