The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We had planned an event all week, but since we had our nightly fight about my going to that "devil group" aka Al-anon, she was making excusses and not getting ready. I asked her several times if she wanted to go... I knew she did, but she appearantly wanted me to beg... *sigh* She said she would rather get her nails done and watch the nascar race on tv.
My son said he wanted to stay home and play with friends, so I went anyway with a neighbor who was going anyway. She called me over and over saying how she had to stay home now, because our son was off "having his fun". So now everyone is having fun but her.
When we all regrouped at home the fighting started. When the 11 yr old asked her why she was upset, she said she didn't get to do what she wanted to do today and she was upset. He said "didn't you get your nails done?" She said yes, but she wanted to go with me, but he was playing with his friends. So now she is blaming him.
He said... "If you wanted to go I would have gone too..." I realized he stayed home to be with her.
All I said is that if you wanted to go all you had to do is get ready and get in the car. I'm not going to drag you kicking and screaming to go have fun.
In the past If she flaked out on something like this I would have just stayed home. I can't say I had a great time, but our son had fun with his friends and I didn't spend the whole day avoiding a fight with her.... progress??? Doesn't feel like it. But I'm trying.
Guess some ESH might help me to know if this gets better over time.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Seeing those about us as though its a "young child wanting attention..," seems to change the way we hear, see and react. The way we interpret what is said to us, the actions seem to be defined differently from our minds eye ... and so the way we respond to them.
Feeling more adult, within our selves.. a form of detaching., comes with it. We see that we do not need to (or have to) coddle or to automatically be the one to keep the peace. Its not alway our place to take control and try to solve. Alot of situations seem to take care of themselves even when we havnt said a word to bring it resolve. Oh, "Serenity." Courage and Detachment Thank you.
I can understand your feelings. My husband and I used to do alot of things together, but only after doing my job of making him get up and go, whining and complaining the whole time until we got to where ever we were going, usually by then I was miserable. After a particularly bad relapse I simply gave up I didn't have enough fun going places with him anymore to make it worth the effort of forcing a dry drunk to live a little.
Today was a perfect example, because of my eye condition I can not drive, so we had errands to. It's taken about a year to come to an agreement that we do need to go shopping for basic needs regularly. So we ran to the pet store, quick stop no problem ... then he asked where to? Aside from the fact he knows perfectly well that he needs to eat too, and so do I ... I had to tell him the grocery store. Got into the parking lot and he didn't want to go in ... here's where the progress is for me ... before I would have huffed and puffed and gotten dropped off, accidently ran the shopping cart into things I didn't see, buy the wrong kind of things with similar labels and felt bad when I realised it.
I eat less, I also have money to buy a sandwich if needed. He eats more and his money goes somewhere quickly. So I just said Neither do I, do you want to eat this week? We went shopping, he drove the cart, stopped me from buying diet soda instead of regular. On the way home he commented that i seemed strange this morning. My fridge is stocked and I don't feel bad about myself and he did his share of household planning.
I go more places alone now or with other people, it is not always comfortable and sometimes I am preoccupied with worries or guilt that I didn't make the effort to get him to go have some fun. I'm also never miserable, or feeling crappy that I had to plead with him to come spend time doing something with me.
I think anything that stops the normal cycle and leaves you feeling better is progress of some kind. Sorry I kind of rambled on here *lol* the thoughts just start and keep typing themselves out
It does sound like progress... u went but still (apparently) ur thoughts were w/ them, so u didn't ahve 'the best time u could have.'
Nonetheless, ur son seems awfully bright, to point out to mom, 'hey u did ur nails (like u sd u wanted)' kind of shifting the consequence of her choice back on to her, smart, smart kid! Sas (for me, since I am 38 & lived thru this for SO long), u want to be there for your sick parent, to "hold their hand" & comfort/enable them to pout or manipulate & control. True, she still had a hand in controlling everyone, since later u learned, everyone wanted to go. I might try to talk to your son, more openly, sounds like he wants to jump in just to end the debate. Honesty is painful but it's better to get it out! Maybe you would have had more fun if you went w/ your son, who knows looking back what could have been.
Kids are so sensitive & want to save their parents from pain (just as most parents want to save the kids from any pain) but we all have to struggle through & have our own experiences.
I used to say "no" to my mother all the time, but A's being the psychic vampires that they are, she still drew my energy from me & I would feel guilty & horrible or be angry & NOT having fun.
When I was truly able to detach, was the day I took my last drop of love/energy for myself & stopped giving it to her. I no longer get angry w/ my folks, I am loving myself more each day & this is allowing me to detach in compassionate love for them. I am no longer hurt, it's like water off a duck's back.
Forgiveness works miracles too & as with everything we do in life: practise, practise, practise DOES make things come easier.
Doing it the first time is the hardest.
The walk of a thousand miles begins w/ one step or I like to think of us as babies... first we can't walk at all, finally we flip over, are strong enough to crawl (after struggling a while), then we stand, take wobbily steps, some scary/exciting steps, become steady walkers & soon can run!
(((((((Hang in there, yes it does get bettter)))))))
in love, -Kitty of Light
p.s. 3 days & counting thanks for all of ur birthday wishes! ((((((((((((((((RTexas))))))))))))))))
-- Edited by kitty at 18:11, 2006-03-20
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yes.... definitely signs of "early stage detachment", and well done on the progress! As you do it more often, you'll find that you will be come able to do the same thing, without focussing too much on whether or not your A joins you, and will not let her 'blame games' stick to ya..... Your kids, even at 11, can definitely learn these same skills as well, and the A's will no longer have easy targets to shift blame upon...
Well done...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My a did something similar last weekend. Now I do not respond when he has a tantrum it is much much easier for me. He can make his happiness contingent on me. I try to put as much distance between me and him at the time because bad behavior can be contagious. Frankly I have enough resentment to work through. I have after all 6 years of it and am processing it slowly with my sponsor. I try to work all the time on detaching too and letting go of the fantasies I have about relationship. I still think I settled for very very little but I am willing to work on my side of the street each day.
I tend to over focus on others and I try to focus more on me these days. I have a list of stuff I need to do and I work on that and a plan and b that is a great great distraction for me.
wanting attention..," seems to change the way we hear, see and react. The way we interpret what is said to us, the actions seem to be defined differently from our minds eye ... and so the way we respond to them.
or to automatically be the one to keep the peace. Its not alway our place to take control and try to solve. Alot of situations seem to take care of themselves even when we havnt said a word to bring it resolve. Oh, "Serenity." Courage and Detachment Thank you.
Let Go and Let God.
