The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have an adult child alcoholic. About an hour ago at 4:45 Am there was an incident. I have been going to Al-anon for about 2 weeks and reading a lot of self help information about control and enabling but right now I just want to punish her for what just happened. How do I right here, right now deal with this? What do I do, say when I see her later on today?
Welcome I suggest that you can recite the serenity prayer reminding yourself that we are powerless over people, places and things. In additoin you can remind yourself that you did not cause this , cannot control this and cannot cure it. Ask yourself if this punishment is positive and simply drawing a heathy boundary on your child and necessary or punitive and will just add to the insanity.
Glad you are here and attending alanon meetings. There is hope.
They perceive boundaries and nonenabling as punishment anyhow. Either way...she will not recover til she feels punished by the disease and not you. Express what is really underlying that desire to punish...concern, fear...love. Or...detach and acknowledge those are the feelings behind it and tailor what you say to her based on what you are able to communicate without getting into a blowout argument.
You will not be able to punish her without punishing yourself also. The opposite of anger is acceptance; acceptance of the fact that it happened and has happened before and then apply Betty's mention of the 3 Cs. If you have any numbers from the meetings you have attended call them and ask for support. Remember this is a disease and not a moral issue...she isn't bad she is sick...and maybe deathly sick. Stay out of the influence of her disease and treat her nicely and respectfully as you can...a higher power can help you do that. We don't punish sick people. If she is under the influence let her and yourself know you are not a substance abuse nurse and call for help as you can. I also practice the Serenity Prayer to calm my spirit. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. (((hugs)))
Wow isn't that the truth. I don't want to talk about anyone else but myself. Every time I would draw a boundary, the qualifiers would act like I was a horrible human and demean me and they were verbally abusive. I told myself, I had to be strong and take the criticism. I had a fear of not being good enough and criticism was really bad for me. I took it harder than I needed too. When they do this verbal abuse thing, they are not in their right mind. It's like someone with Alzheimer's disease. When my aunt had Alzheimers I would just affirm and not argue with her reality.
Welcome to MIP momwiz - glad you found us and glad that you shared. My qualifiers tested, retested, stomped on and revolted on each/every boundary I put out there....as long as I set them up for self-protection and not as punishment, it was possible to hold firm. I found it virtually impossible to 'punish' an adult child - it was better that I just spoke my truth as suggested with I statements, and then let the consequences of their actions play out.
I will say that part of my boundaries was having them off my insurance, not have access to my vehicles, etc. I was very concerned about legal consequences blowing back my way so started with those types of boundaries. It was painful to protect myself, my assets and my sanity, but I felt it was important for my serenity, peace of mind and the like.
Keep going to your meetings and keep working on you. I learn each/every time I go to a meeting and it does get better! Keep coming back here too - there is always hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
boy I'll tell you, that protecting the assets thing made me feel guilty. If you think, about it giving active user money is probably the worst thing in the world. If possible, pay directly for their school or rehab. NEVER give them access to money.
I understand. shes punishing herself. this disease means the drinker is full of guilt and self hate so punishment is unlikely to have any effect except maybe to add to the guilt. i had to learn about the disease and it takes a bit of time. punishment could be enabli g because often the drinker feels admonished or justified after getting a punishment or a talking to. i suggest keep up the meetings, its a painful journey especially with it being your child. alanon is where i got free from the misery one day at a time. glad your here.
