The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I just wanted to talk on the topic of honesty. ...
I had an incident recently with my sister (alcoholic in denial). She recently had her daughter move back in with her after living with her father for over a year. My sister was so used to it just being herself and her son (who's 10). She partied a lot on the weekends and had to adjust her lifestyle because my niece came back in to her life. She had a break down and missed an entire week of work. She started telling me she was stressed and starting playing her victim role. I told her there are options and to use the tools they gave her in her parenting classes.
Well, this led me to send her some honest text messages. Just telling her that it was time to grow up and it wasn't about her anymore, that they need counseling and a program....she didn't like it. She blocked me and hasn't talked to me in a week.
Growing up in the disease we didn't communicate and everything was swept under the rug. After this incident I just had one of those AHA moments where I saw how much denial I was in about my sister. I always looked at her as a victim and wanted to coddle her and tell her everything was going to be okay. I can no longer do that! Al anon taught me all about honesty with myself and others.
I wrote her a letter telling her I loved her and that I am only telling her the truth, that she might be angry with me but I can no longer continue to be in denial of her disease.
Just wanted to hear from you guys about your experiences with honesty! Thanks for reading.
Hi Sandy I understand your concerns and that your motives were indeed noble when you spoke to your sister. Alanon has the principle of not giving advise,because one of the basic concepts of this program is that many use denial and pretend to protect ourselves from the harsh realities of life . I know I did.
If someone attempts to confront and remove that denial (it is like removing the protecting bark of the tree) and the person, like the tree, needs that tool and is not ready to hear the information, they will react in a negative fashion (as your sister has done) and our ability to be helpful lessened . Attending meetings, working the Steps, praying on the issue may lead you to different choices so you can reconnect with your sister and share your love and concerns.
I found gradually I was heard more after I had attended in-person alan on meetings a while. It helped me see it from another perspective. With that, just seeing a wider picture changed the words or the tone, whatever, I used to be with my family.
I love the idea of someone else's denial, someone who is not ready, likened to protective tree bark.
I am planting that in my mind. Let me show compassion. I think this will help me.
I try to be honest in all my affairs. My program and journey want this of me. However, I am very careful to not give unsolicited advice or observations. This has just not turned out well for me and my serenity.
My sponsor suggested when another I love is full of denial and negativity that I can be supportive by listening and if the need to speak comes up, I can say, "I sense that you are really (insert word here - sad, angry, anxious, etc.) I will pray for you."
My mouth and giving unasked for advice has gotten me in deep many, many times before recovery. I now allow others the dignity of their own journey, no matter how I see it or feel about it. Amazingly enough, the more I've stayed on my side of the street and offered loving support only, the more now I am asked what I do think. I have learned in Al-Anon to share my own ESH though instead of what I think - my best thinking got me here so isn't always the most spiritual answer I can give.
I too really, really like the tree/bark scenario - gave me a visual that will be a great add to my tool box!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
