The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Seperating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not neccessarily require physical seperation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someones else's drinking. We are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.
Detatchment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
*Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
*Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery
*Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
*Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave to see fit
*Not to cover up another's mistakes or misdeeds
*Not to create a crisis
*Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve. We allow the alcoholics in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.
-- Edited by LinSC on Saturday 5th of November 2016 08:19:43 PM
Thanks for posting this Lin I know that in the beginning the concept of detachment was difficult for me to grasp, however this little piece of literature did clarify it for me,
I too thank you LinSC - I love reviewing that which I heard early on in recovery. Each time I go B2B (back to basics), I see, hear or process something in a new way that allows me to continue to grow. Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My family was no kind at all when detaching, they ganged up and ostracized me from all family. That is punishment. If you want to label it "self help" to make you innocent of you actions, go for it. Same results....the family is dead.
Sportgear ~ I am so sorry you had to endure this type of treatment from your family. It's not right - one should be able to count on their family through thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness. I feel like your family confused "detachment" with "abandonment". If I'm wrong I apologize but reading your posts I don't feel like they did "detachment" in the way it is meant to be done. I truly feel like they abandoned you and they were wrong for doing that.
You have it right. One thing I will admit is my part. I was not a team player in "the program" though I had been for more than ten years. When I returned home after 35 yrs I found my family so embedded in meetings they could not function with any one but their program friends. I was cast aside having mentioned this to them. I said many things to upset them because the scapegoat is always pointing out the elephant in the room. I too detached from them before my father's death vowing not to ever speak to him again and I didnt....he caused this riff but I took the blame from the rest of the family because of his health.....it didn't stop his mouth though....I was always his whipping boy and had no respect for him in the end. They punished me for that.
FooledMeTwice wrote: "It's not right - one should be able to count on their family..."
Is that a true statement? I don't think it's true because I know too many people, myself included, who cannot count on their family sometimes to meet their desires. Attaching myself to that belief when it is not happening, causes suffering.
Right or Happy??? That assumes there is a binary choice. Thats not realistic. If I decide to let my family go, which, by the way is the only option, I will not gain happiness. It would take a very long time to move on. Some of you act like that is automatic. AND who else does my decision and my FOO decision affect? My kids, their kids, etc. Detachment hurts many....be very careful about detachment. Get professional input before doing this others who attend meetings are not professionals.
'one should be able to count on their family through thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness.'
I feel that each member of a family needs to do whats right for them and if each of them are doing so then there is less chance of enabling and co-dependency.
For me the whole marriage vows thing 'sickness and health' is a social construct and not really about spirituality. I left my marriage, did not abandon anyone except myself during the marriage. In leaving the lives of everyone improved, my ex ah had no one to fix, control, take responsibility for his drinking or choices and guess what? he found himself alone with a healthier family who were choosing to not watch him die slowly in front of their eyes, total self protection. In finding himself alone it gave him what he needed to feel the full consequences of his own choices or sickness and he has been sober for 4 yrs now.
I truly believe its wrong to sacrifice yourself and your own life for anyone, Mother, Father, son daughter anyone. According to your philosophy I should live for my family, give up my own life and self for my family. No, this is unhealthy, obviously for children its different. For grown adults who happen to be your children then there is a clear separation, they have their lives to lead and I have mine, their issues, consequences etc all of it belongs to them. Im there in the background offering what I want to offer but nothing else because getting too deep in anothers life can mean I lose my own.
FooledMeTwice wrote: "It's not right - one should be able to count on their family..."
Is that a true statement? I don't think it's true because I know too many people, myself included, who cannot count on their family sometimes to meet their desires. Attaching myself to that belief when it is not happening, causes suffering.
Do I want to be right....... or happy?
Yes for me and my life it is a true statement. My family has been there for me and always will be there for me through thick and thin. Friends and men have come and gone but my family is always there. And I am always there for my family. If you weren't fortunate to have a family like this than I am sorry. If you disagree then as Al-Anon says "take what you like and leave the rest".
For me it's the other way around, I gotta be very careful about "attachment." Attachment to untrue beliefs and to people in my life prevents me from living the journey I'm here to enjoy. What someone else sees is not what I need to see.... what they think is not what I need to think.... how they behave does not have to determine my course too. I simply do not have the power to be in charge of anyone. Attachment to anyone other than God does not bring me freedom. If I want freedom, this is where detachment comes in.
'one should be able to count on their family through thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness.'
I feel that each member of a family needs to do whats right for them and if each of them are doing so then there is less chance of enabling and co-dependency.
For me the whole marriage vows thing 'sickness and health' is a social construct and not really about spirituality. I left my marriage, did not abandon anyone except myself during the marriage. In leaving the lives of everyone improved, my ex ah had no one to fix, control, take responsibility for his drinking or choices and guess what? he found himself alone with a healthier family who were choosing to not watch him die slowly in front of their eyes, total self protection. In finding himself alone it gave him what he needed to feel the full consequences of his own choices or sickness and he has been sober for 4 yrs now.
I truly believe its wrong to sacrifice yourself and your own life for anyone, Mother, Father, son daughter anyone. According to your philosophy I should live for my family, give up my own life and self for my family. No, this is unhealthy, obviously for children its different. For grown adults who happen to be your children then there is a clear separation, they have their lives to lead and I have mine, their issues, consequences etc all of it belongs to them. Im there in the background offering what I want to offer but nothing else because getting too deep in anothers life can mean I lose my own.
Where in God's green earth did I say you had to give up your own life and self??? Nowhere in my post did I say that. And I'm sorry but spouses are not family. They are someone who entered your life for a moment or a season or a life-time. You can live your life how you want just as I can live my life how I want. I will stand by my family through thick and thin and they have always stood by me. This is not to be mistaken for enabling or being co-dependent. And my post was for Sportsgear - hence the reason it starts with Sportsgear ~. It was to show him some understanding, empathy and compassion. Traits we could all learn to have inside of us to be better people.
I have to say.....sometimes I have seen folks like my parents give up moral Responsibilty selfishly using Alanon or AA as an excuse to throw their family away. Its cultish.
I have to say.....sometimes I have seen folks like my parents give up moral Responsibilty selfishly using Alanon or AA as an excuse to throw their family away. Its cultish.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Like I said - and let me clarify that in MY MIND there is a difference between detachment and abandonment and I feel like you were abandoned instead of being healthily detached from. I'm sure you learned how not to treat your children from your own experience and will be a wonderful father to them and there for them when they need you. I wish you peace and happiness!
Thank you, I am always in professional counseling to learn how to parent. I dI'd not get proper instruction from my parents nor could they provide it. I was ok with thst untIL my Dad criticized how i.parented with little or no knowledge of our situation. He beat me as a kid and this was way out of line for him to judge my parenting. I never hit my kids but I did need direction. My point is professional counseling could have helped my family but they chose to learn in AA and Alanon from other sick folks and then become righteous and obnoxious....thus why I left AA and Alanon. Today my kids are ok.
Fooled me twice, I was talking to both you and sportsgear when I said 'your philosophy'. I do believe my ex husband was a member of my family and I think when folk talk of family they include their spouses. I get to take what I want, relate it to my experiences and share from my point of view just as you do.
I wont ever do sticking by anyone through thick and thin. To me, from my experiences this was a way too costly view of life and family for me. This way of thinking was harmful for me and others. I love my family and love them enough to allow them to live as they see fit but I cant stick by any family member of mine who presses that self destruct button, ive done it before at the expense of everyone else and everything else in my life so never will I agree with the idea of sticking by through thick and thin.
I wouldn't stick with any e harming me or my kids or spending every dime on drinking. Why would you do that? Matter of fact I read many posts and winder why they just don't dump the destructive drunk. In my case I was working a program and was personally attacked by my parents due to not agreeing with some issues. I gave up my sobriety 2 yrs after that hsppened....of course they say "he's drinking therefore at fault"....it was bad long before that. What I think is my parents made there legacy all about AA and Alanon....me, my legacy was not important I had been around the world 3 or 4 times doing some very interesting things and was fine with who I was. MY parents had false pride in AA and Alanon yet still treated me like crap whend I wanted my own thoughts outside the program. I was ostracized after getting pissed.
This thread is about detachment. Please keep to the topic at hand. This includes your experience, strength & hope. Detachment is not abandonment; nor is it disowning/divorcing. Out of respect for the original poster and all members, please keep the discussion about recovery (which is personal and not about what others did/did not do to you.).
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
