The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just wanted to share some progress I have made in learning how to let go. I've been attending Al-Anon meetings for about a month after being miserable for a long time. I basically "reached bottom" when I went to my first meeting. I was so caught up in a whirlwind of resentment and anger and was basically numb.
I became aware that my AH was denigrating me to his and our friends. I was focused on the injustice of his actions so I felt justified in spying on him. I read his emails and monitored the incoming and outgoing calls (not the actual calls but the #'s). It led to being obsessed with knowing what he was doing and made me feel worse than I already did in the first place. But, hey - he's been gaslighting me and lying and angry and distant so...all's fair, right? Wrong.
After about 2 weeks of meetings I found it harder to do this - I now realized how toxic and wrong it was. I very reluctantly stopped. The first couple of days it felt uncomfortable and I regretted my decision because it had become such a habit. But I kept keeping the focus on myself and now - it just feels good. Really good!! Like I gained back some of the power that I felt I kept giving to him but didn't want to. I realize the only person I can change is myself. He will do what he will do. I will do what I will do. I do feel ashamed that I stooped to that level but I needed to learn that lesson - two wrongs don't make a right.
This is the same time I began focusing on myself and looking at how I am contributing to the madness. If I start feeling resentment and feel the need to express that, I try (key word is try) to ask why I think I feel the way I do. Is it because I believe something is unfair? How is being angry going to help the situation? The answer most often is that I'm holding on to some fantasy that he should be acting in a certain way and he is not and I feel resentment for that, which expresses itself in snide remarks. It then goes downhill from there.
I find that I'm feeling resentment less and less (I'm definitely not saying I feel resentment free) and I think that is because I am starting to see the whole picture so clearly. I realize that my reactions are a part of the problem but I have the power and the will to change them - and little by little I am. He also has the power to change but he doesn't have the will and I cannot change that.
I still have to learn to really, really let go and I'm sure I will be reading and posting/freaking out here about that when the time comes but today I wanted to take the time to pat myself on the back for doing the right thing and share how good it feels.
{{{Thank you everyone in the AFG for your strength, courage, wisdom and most of all honesty because without that I would not have made any progress at all}}}
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How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours.
Good job, Mercury! Your progress is inspiring. I'm told the program works if you work it. That is so true.
I've been doing better with not snooping. The less I snoop the more peaceful I feel.I try to remind myself that if I'm supposed to know something it will be revealed at the right time.
This is a great share, Mercury. I, too, feel really good when I behave with dignity. I really admire how quickly you've been able to recognize and change your unhealthy behavior. For me, I recognized some of the ugly things I was doing in a flash (through al-anon) and changed them immediately. Others are taking me longer (because, I have learned, I'm getting some kind of pay-off from doing them). I really appreciate your honesty and openess in this -- it helped me so much to read what you shared.
(((Mercury))) - love, love, love your share! You are a miracle in progress! Thanks for taking the time to write it up - love to see progress!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I was so caught up in a whirlwind of resentment and anger and was basically numb.
I became aware that my AH was denigrating me to his and our friends. I was focused on the injustice of his actions so I felt justified in spying on him. I read his emails and monitored the incoming and outgoing calls (not the actual calls but the #'s). It led to being obsessed with knowing what he was doing and made me feel worse than I already did in the first place.
After about 2 weeks of meetings I found it harder to do this - I now realized how toxic and wrong it was. I very reluctantly stopped. The first couple of days it felt uncomfortable and I regretted my decision because it had become such a habit. But I kept keeping the focus on myself and now - it just feels good. Really good!!
I still have to learn to really, really let go.
Hello Mercury,
I am pretty sure you just wrote about my actions. Have you been watching me??? LOL In all honestly I was/am in the same situation as you. I too found that I feel a little (just a little) bit better. But I must say it's HARD to let it go. I am learning also. Getting my self esteem back and focusing on myself. That's my saving grace.
Otherwise I would just drive myself nuts. Thanks for sharing. I hope you are having a great day.
