The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let me preface this by saying I am NOT dating or seeking a relationship - I know I'm no where near ready to identify a good man, or be a good partner to one.
I have an art gallery. There is a gentleman that comes in once in a while to look around. I learned later that he does so because he enjoys my company more than the art.
He is gorgeous, kind, tall, strong.. a fire fighter.. does charity work, gainfully employed with a steady job, has his own home, he volunteers at a dog rescue etc. All this to illustrate how friggin hard it is for me to tell myself "no not right now" over and over again lol
Sometimes he calls me to ask how I'm doing. I've been up front with him and told him I'm in a bit of a life transition right now and would like to stay single for a long while.
He didn't mind. Keeps telling me I need to stop worrying, there's no pressure, he just enjoys my company.
He does nice things for me! He knows I don't eat meat, but that my sons do. I am big on buying them ethically raised meat etc. He came into my gallery one day with sausages for them he saw at farm he was working at.
He's not annoying, he doesn't call often or show up at my work all the time, it's only once in a while.
My issue, is that my instinct is to CUT AND RUN. Tell him to go away and never contact me again. Which would make sense, if he was being pushy and expecting something from me, but he's not. At all, he's made that clear.
He's just a nice person that once in a while does nice things, and let me know that he enjoys my company.
Naturally, I want to set it on fire. Make a mess of everything and make SURE he comes no where near me ever again.
Why am I doing this? Why can't I just think "oh that's nice. He's a nice man being nice." END OF STORY!?
Man I am a mess!!
-- Edited by sarahGee on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 12:56:19 PM
If it was me I think it'd be symptomatic of me thinking I don't deserve to be happy/treated nicely and take it as a sign that I needed to revisit my inventory and maybe remind myself of my assets and positive qualities.
Conversely, maybe he's raising some red flags and even though you don't know why, they're there? People that are 'too nice" tend to have that effect o me and usually it turns out to be because they have another agenda and deep down, I sensed it before i knew it..
Not very helpful am I lol, sorry! I understand though because I react to "niceness" in similar ways.
Because your last mistake is your best teacher. lol
You are being too hard on yourself. You feel that you made bad choices in the past and taking total responsibility for them. Cut yourself a break. Good people sometimes make bad choices. Its all part of free will.
There is nothing wrong with getting bestowed with thoughtful gifts every once in a while. Think about it, would you/could you do that for someone else? Just take a breath and Relax
I don't think it's raising red flags. He doesn't come around often enough to raise a red flag. And there honestly is no pressure coming from him, this is me. It's aaaaaaall me doing this. On the flip side, I am struggling with missing my ex. The worst relationship I've ever been in. I was treated like garbage and I clung to him for dear life.
I am feeling so conflicted because I miss the man that treated me horribly and I want the man that is nice to me, respectful of my space and requests - to go away and never come back. I can't handle it.
I see it, and I know it's not healthy thinking, but it's what I'm thinking. I don't understand why.
-- Edited by sarahGee on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 01:15:37 PM
Right On Sarah Gee...you know it for what it is and that is so very, very important. I also had to do that and take all of the time necessary to do that. I knew I was insane and my realities skewed. The inventories I took showed me by puzzle piece where I was messed up and had been for a long time. Making poor choices for me was a life time habit and I needed new and better rules for my life. My priorities we so very superficial in all areas of my life and I had to sit down, listen and learn and then practice what the winners were doing without judgement. I had/have much time to practice and my HP has let me know that it isn't going anywhere without me.
Today I can accept good treatment and can respond to it sanely. I laugh because my sponsor worked me up on this subject also and once asked me what do you do when you are treated well and when I was slow with the answer he looked at me and smiled...."say thank you and keep moving forward" Rocket science.!!
Sarah - it get's better! I had an awful time accepting compliments or attention from others. I do believe my self-worth was low enough that I felt unworthy. Jerry's post is spot on - Thank you and keep moving forward is exactly what my sponsor taught me.
The pre-recovery me always looked for hidden agendas and ulterior motives. Because of the affects of this disease, I trusted nobody - myself included. It's no longer like that - working the program and the steps gave me the freedom to know I am worthy and deserving. I no longer let my past affect my present or my future. I live in the moment and look for the miracles. With proper boundaries in place and self-love, I don't have to be guarded any more.
It's such a gift to live life on life's terms and know that I am freed of the bondage of this disease. This does not mean that everything is hunky-dory all the time and I float around singing Kumbaya - it just means that when I am feeling unsettled, I can right-size myself with the tools we learn here.
Keep working it and trust your program. It's amazing at how change/growth happens and we usually realize 'after' vs. before or during. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It sounds to me like you may be scared that it wouldn't work out in the end so you would rather sabotage it now before you get hurt. I can understand. He sounds like a nice guy that perhaps you could have a future with. You are smart to take it slow and focus on you. If it is meant to be ... it will be.
Sarah If you are still grieving your last relationship, then I believe that you are being kind and compassionate to this new man. It is wonderful that he in not pressuring you and appreciates your company. Maybe after working the Steps you will be ready to go for coffee.
I think you deserve good treatment. Why not? you are on here helping people. Why can't you just keep being friends? My husband is a really nice guy. We been married for 23 years. We were friends for a whole year before we started going out. He had a girl friend and then she moved away. Then he started dating me. I dated him for another year, he gave me engagement ring and then we got married.
I suspect this man is the unknown. He may well be healthy or reciprocal and honest. For me these things also raise a cut and run instinct. Some if it was self esteem and some of it was control and some of it was fear. In a way, relationships with alcoholics are one dimensional so for better or worse, mostly worse, there's an element of control. For lots of reasons that would frustrate me to type out on this phone. We may have the opportunity to allow someone to truly see us and that's scary until its not. Or it could be none of the above for you. I've good reckoning that you will work out what's going on for you.
This all makes perfect sense to me. You have a strong need to feel safe right now and get over your last toxic relationship which hurt you tremendously. This new guy feels threatening when you are raw and vulnerable. You identified you are not ready for a relationship and perhaps your experience tells you his behavior feels like flirting even if he says it's not. Either way, you can be cordial and set appropriate boundaries to guard your heart without telling him to bugger off :) Be gentle with yourself. A hurtful break up is a normal time to be evaluating yourself, what happened, and what it means for future relationships.
I'm on my phone - mind the errors.
You have been so helpful, thank you all. I haven't done my fourth step yet, so I haven't taken inventory. I think this is why I'm so eager to press on with my 4th, I can see my bad behaviour and I just want to squash it. I'm ready to get called out. I need it. I just want to move on!
This person is simply being nice to me and I am setting myself up for a battle royale. It's so messed up.
At least I am a smidge forward in my recovery and I have learned to keep my mouth shut.
My ex, I don't miss him in the sense that I want to get back together with him, it's the high. I know that if I were to cave right now and contact him, I would ride that high with him for a few weeks until it inevitably crashed. And it would. I'm aware enough to know that no good would come of it.
I feel like such a mess inside.
This poor man and his nice gestures. He has no idea the fire it's igniting on the other side.
Sarah .. I completely identify .. I think it's good you are taking your time figuring out what you want and don't want. My stuff with my xah wasn't about wanting him back it was honestly more about my issues with rejection and being rejected by a reject after all if my x loved me I wasn't broken. I was ok. That is a huge gift the program gave me was realizing I had issues to work through that were not about my x and completely about my need for approval and if I get really honest .. My need to be in control and feel superior to my x which was not fair. I'm dating after 5 years. A lovely man who is not perfect I'm grateful Lol we are equally matched in many areas I'm so grateful. It is one of those things that I'm having to adjust to someone being concerned about me and I'm not chasing him for attention. It's a good thing. More will be revealed. ;) hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Why not just enjoy the company, expect nothing in return, do nothing to change it or want something different. Just enjoy life as it comes. I don't think I need to make decisions sometimes; it's enough that life happens and I'm there to enjoy it.
Everyone here had great words of wisdom to share. I will add to that and say, please don't rush your program. Work your steps in the time you need and don't rush them just because you feel you have to. Each step requires us to be ready, to have acceptance of the outcome and what it teaches us, and we need to be open to those lessons.
As for this new gentleman, I know that accepting compliments was a huge problem for me. I honestly just didn't know how to respond and I probably had a lot of people walk away from interactions with me scratching their heads thinking I was quite ungrateful. But, truly, I just didn't know what to make of it. Most of it was tied up in my low self esteem and self acceptance. By working program I had to learn how to accept ALL of me: my fears, my shortcomings, but also my strengths, my physical appearance, and every bit of me that my HP created me to be.
If you are still craving relationship drama and the 'high', you are doing the right thing for yourself. But, at some point, you may get the opportunity to tell this man your story. Be honest, tell him about what makes you tick and why you need some time to work on yourself. If he's a patient man, he'll wait for you and just enjoy your friendship and companionship. It's your life and you get to call the shots and decide what you are or aren't ready for; but please don't deny yourself a shoulder to lean or a friend to hold you. Those gifts are priceless so I guess I'm just thinking that you be open to what HP is presenting before you and maybe someday you'll be ready for a coffee date!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
