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Alright people, I cant even tell you how crazy my life has been since yesterday.
ABF got drunk yesterday before I came home from work. I got home with two of my kids to get ready for trick or treating. I soon as I get there he's playing with the kids and everything is going fine. I can tell that he had been drinking but the kids could not. Then when the kids are not around he starts going on and on about how me and my ex-husband are a little too civil and he thinks "something is going on"
I explained to him that he's been drinking and if he would like to discuss this at a later time, we could. Then he starts going on about how I never validate his feelings.
I sent the kids outside and came back in and lost my mind that he is not ever to raise his voice to me again When my children are in the home. He starts calling me a whore and I told him to get his things and leave. I send my children off with the neighbors. The woman and I had just spoken on Sunday and I felt this strange comfort with confiding in her some of the issues that were going on. I now know that it was God because as soon as I called her and said, I need you to take my children, things are bad I may need to call the police, she swooped in like an angel and provided my children with a good Halloween and even fed them dinner, keeping them calm and for the most part clueless.
Anyways, kids are gone, he thought when I called her, I was calling the police and SLASHED MY TIRE!!! Then I call the police. He takes off on foot. They call in a canine unit and still he was never apprehended.
The neighbors took my kids to school this morning and then she sent her teenage son over to fix my tire. I'm telling you these people are angels, i barely know them. I go in the garage to get a tool and I realize through observation of things being moved and from intuition- he is hiding in the attic of the garage!!!!
i calmly step outside, tell this poor 17 year old quietly that I am stepping into the house to call the police that that my man is hiding out up there. I call the authorities, they come out. Its the canine unit. They step in and tell him over and over to come down with his hands raised. He never answers them. They threaten to send the dog up. He never answers. They start recording and give him 3 formal commands to come down before they send the canine up. No answer. Now they are looking at me crazy because who wants a police canine coming after them??? You have got to be insane to want that to happen. We have all seen the youtube videos and those dogs are no joke. I say yes, I am certain he is there. They ask if I seen or heard him, I say no, but I am certain he is there. They choose not to send the dog, thank God because I was mauled by a dog when I was young and I don't kow that I could have listened to the mauling and unfortunately I do care about him and could not handle having to hear him being viciously attacked by an animal trained to do so.
The sargent goes up and is able to apprehend him. He is now in jail for criminal damage to property and the family violence act. NOW can you believe he used his phone call to call ME??? That he is sorry but I never validate his feelings???
"You got what you wanted, I'm in jail. I cant believe you had me arrested. Why did you call them again this morning, we could have talked this out"
I'm sorry, you slashed my tires. Called me a whore. Hid in my attic like an effing creeper and acted irrationally by daring a canine to attack you after an hour of officers trying to coax you out like a sulking child. And somehow this is what I WANTED?????
-- Edited by kspec85 on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 12:53:05 PM
Oh man. I'm so sorry and yes that is a lot to be going through.
I am glad that you had so many kind people around you to help you with your children. They are the most important thing here.
Do you have a sponsor? Is there someone close by, from a face to face meeting that you can call for guidance?
His behavior is hurtful and inexcusable, but it's that of an alcoholic.
Please take care of YOURSELF and your children through this! Slashing a tire or any violent act is nothing to be taken lightly.
((Kspec)) I am so sorry that this situation has unfolded as it did and admire your courage, serenity and wisdom in in handling this difficult event with such serenity and dignity.
Positive thoughts on the way
Alright people, I cant even tell you how crazy my life has been since yesterday.
ABF got drunk yesterday before I came home from work. I got home with two of my kids to get ready for trick or treating. I soon as I get there he's playing with the kids and everything is going fine. I can tell that he had been drinking but the kids could not. Then when the kids are not around he starts going on and on about how me and my ex-husband are a little too civil and he thinks "something is going on"
I explained to him that he's been drinking and if he would like to discuss this at a later time, we could. Then he starts going on about how I never validate his feelings.
I sent the kids outside and came back in and lost my mind that he is not ever to raise his voice to me again When my children are in the home. He starts calling me a whore and I told him to get his things and leave. I send my children off with the neighbors. The woman and I had just spoken on Sunday and I felt this strange comfort with confiding in her some of the issues that were going on. I now know that it was God because as soon as I called her and said, I need you to take my children, things are bad I may need to call the police, she swooped in like an angel and provided my children with a good Halloween and even fed them dinner, keeping them calm and for the most part clueless.
Anyways, kids are gone, he thought when I called her, I was calling the police and SLASHED MY TIRE!!! Then I call the police. He takes off on foot. They call in a canine unit and still he was never apprehended.
The neighbors took my kids to school this morning and then she sent her teenage son over to fix my tire. I'm telling you these people are angels, i barely know them. I go in the garage to get a tool and I realize through observation of things being moved and from intuition- he is hiding in the attic of the garage!!!!
i calmly step outside, tell this poor 17 year old quietly that I am stepping into the house to call the police that that my man is hiding out up there. I call the authorities, they come out. Its the canine unit. They step in and tell him over and over to come down with his hands raised. He never answers them. They threaten to send the dog up. He never answers. They start recording and give him 3 formal commands to come down before they send the canine up. No answer. Now they are looking at me crazy because who wants a police canine coming after them??? You have got to be insane to want that to happen. We have all seen the youtube videos and those dogs are no joke. I say yes, I am certain he is there. They ask if I seen or heard him, I say no, but I am certain he is there. They choose not to send the dog, thank God because I was mauled by a dog when I was young and I don't kow that I could have listened to the mauling and unfortunately I do care about him and could not handle having to hear him being viciously attacked by an animal trained to do so.
The sargent goes up and is able to apprehend him. He is now in jail for criminal damage to property and the family violence act. NOW can you believe he used his phone call to call ME??? That he is sorry but I never validate his feelings???
"You got what you wanted, I'm in jail. I cant believe you had me arrested. Why did you call them again this morning, we could have talked this out"
I'm sorry, you slashed my tires. Called me a whore. Hid in my attic like an effing creeper and acted irrationally by daring a canine to attack you after an hour of officers trying to coax you out like a sulking child. And somehow this is what I WANTED?????
-- Edited by kspec85 on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 12:53:05 PM
Hi kspec85,
You sure did have a crazy 24 hours! I couldn't imagine. A Halloween you will never forget. Funny how there is always a way of turning it around, and we've done something wrong. Never mind the craziness you just brought in the home. I hope this will be a wake up call for him. I don't know about the laws in your area, but are they automatically serving him with a restraining order? Thank goodness to your newly found angels, and your children were able to enjoy their Halloween.
Having gone through domestic violence I can understand some of the feelings you may be going through. Hopefully you have a support person you can talk to during this stressful time.
I hope everything works out for you. Whatever that may be. Be careful and be gentle with yourself.
kspec - (((hugs))) to you. I am sorry for the chaos and more caused by the diseased....I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I do agree - be gentle with you.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone for your input and support. I am starting to feel conflicted about having him arrested. I would have had any other person arrested for the same thing and yet I am feeling guilty. OMG, any experience with this?
I've had to call the police on my sons. I can relate to your conflicted feelings. I just had to let the process play out. They both still throw it in my face when they want to, but it no longer affects me like it did. We so want to protect those we love --- I had to really understand the difference between protection, coddling and enabling. I don't coddle anyone too large to sit in my lap. I put myself over others, and no long enable anyone (qualifier or not). And protection for me now starts with prayer/reflection.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere. A victim advocate is going to contact me within a week or so. I spoke with the investigator as well. I want the state to take whatever actions they feel are necessary. But I also would like to recommend a psychiatric evaluation for chemical imbalance. My A has expressed, without my coaxing, that he believes he may be imbalanced. I know that a large percentage addicts and alcoholics are self-medicating. I also know it may be his way of justifying or playing victim, but it certainly can't hurt, he will be punished regardless. The state of GA picks up prosecution even if the victim changes their mind, so I am glad I've not been faced with the decision on whether or not to proceed.
I have used this situation to teach my daughters that although you may love someone, you never have to tolerate or live with unacceptable behavior. My 11 year old especially seemed to gather a lot from the conversation.
kspec85, you did the right thing, don't second guess yourself, this will help you and your kids to learn not to take abuse from anyone. Go forward and know you have set a good example to your children and to all who come here for support. Graditude is in order for your great neighbors.... linsc
(((Hugs)))
For a long time as a child I really thought it was my job to accommodate and accept unacceptable behavior. I'm still recovering from that learned pattern. My first step in my recovery may have been the day my mom got out of her marriage to my abusive father. I started to see her as an advocate for herself, and learned from her example.
However this plays out in your situation, I'm inspired by the example you are setting for your kids. Working your program and proceeding with courage and an open heart is a gift to yourself and a great example for the little eyes watching you.
I did not tell my children that he slashed my tire. I have explained to them that he simply " is sick, he got very upset because of his sickness. While he was upset, he broke something and when adults tantrum and break things, it is against the law and he is now in jail."
My 11 year old wisely pointed out that when adults scream and yell and break things, they are acting like children. I said she was absolutely right. She knows that prior to my antidepressant and mood stabilizer, I was prone to having a short fuse, yelling and slamming things while I was upset. I am open with her that I have a chemical imbalance and that when I am not medicated, I behave like a child at times. I have also made amends to them for that. I have explained to them that I love them and myself to much to subject our family to my outbursts. I swallowed my pride and shame of having this imbalance and sought help. I have explained to my oldest that that is what healthy people do when they want to change. They take whatever steps necessary to do so.
I am using all of this to teach my little girl that what people do is SO much more important than what they say. I am actually gaining a ton of serenity knowing that without these life circumstances, my daughter, and myself would not have the opportunity to think and absorb these very important lessons. Without Al Anon, I do not believe I would have ever considered the opportunities for growth that are occurring for me and my sweet babies.
(((kspec))) - you are dealing with a lot and it's stressful. Great job leaning into your program and using the tools. Positive thoughts and prayers continue from my neck of the world!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone for your input and support. I am starting to feel conflicted about having him arrested. I would have had any other person arrested for the same thing and yet I am feeling guilty. OMG, any experience with this?
I may start a new thread for it....
Hello kspec85,
I have gone through a similar situation in a past relationship. I had to get a restraining order against him. I felt so conflicted and guilty. The hardest thing I had to do was not engage. Absolutely NO contact. Not in person, not by phone, nothing (and we have a son together). It was difficult, but it was the only thing I could do to keep my sanity. At first the messages from him were sweet, then they turned ugly. Which just kept reminding me of why I made the decision I did. I know it will not be easy for you, but you will get through it. As much as I loved him, I couldn't live that way anymore. Feel free to message me if you would like to discuss this off the forum.
I read your story and at the end i just have to say how happy I was that you didn't think," gee I feel really bad and we should have talked things out like he said". Or "maybe I gave him the wrong signals maybe some of this is really my fault. " Way to work up a good, well deserved mad and take care of yourself and your kids. But you made a good boundery and you did what you needed to do, in order to protect yourself and your kids.
I hope you have a good supportive Alanon group by you, and you keep coming back!
His mom bailed him out of jail and he broke in my house yesterday and stole a couple of my things. He also took all of his tools and his toolbox. I called the police and he is officially screwed. Not only did he violate to no contact order, but that was also his bond condition, and now he will be charged with burglary.
(((kspec))) - good on you for holding firm to your boundaries and doing the next right thing. You are choosing to protect yourself, your home and your rights and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I was told early on in recovery that we teach others how to treat us; you are working on a new chapter, and it looks really good on you.
In support - sending you hugs, positive thoughts and prayers.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
GAH! Apparently he got the cap one card he was authorized on and spent money today!!! I had him removed but wont get the money back since "technically" he was authorized. In this moment, I kind of hate him. He needs to just get the eff out of my life. I never ever want to see or hear form him again!
GAH! Apparently he got the cap one card he was authorized on and spent money today!!! I had him removed but wont get the money back since "technically" he was authorized. In this moment, I kind of hate him. He needs to just get the eff out of my life. I never ever want to see or hear form him again!
Sorry you are going through this kpsec. Hopefully he doesn't end up on your doorstep. Alcohol steals so many things. Try to stay sane.
I so understand your frustration.....I suppose you could go after him for it in either civil or criminal court. Clearly your efforts to remove me suggest he should not have been authorized. This disease at times is the 'gift that keeps on giving...'
Sorry that you've been had by him and the disease again. That's too bad and such a shame.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Hugs))) - I truly am sorry for the insanity you're experiencing. I am one who often finds silly phrases helpful to lighten my processing....that just popped into my mind at the time - not sure if that was my will or God's will but if it brought you a smile, even if only briefly, it was a good thing.
Prayers for a positive day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
