Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Dis-Ease91 · Newbie

Adult Children of Alcoholics (Looking for a new perspective)

Calm Lady · Senior Member

Warm welcome to you.

I am an ACOA. Gosh there is loads I can write. I think the biggest issues was the instability. Never knowing where you stood. The mood swings. Being aware that us kids were second to alcohol. Embarrassment of a drunk father. The weird stuff that went on that us kids didn't understand. Thinking it was our fault that the drinking went on. That they was something wrong with us. That if we were ,............ (Fill in the dots) then the drinking wouldn't happen.

Finding our parents very immature and not understanding why. No boundaries, no sense of self. Having to keep secrets. Having to go along with the denial, the lies, the pretense. Being told not to tell anyone what went on.

Lots more. Hope that helps.

Dis-Ease91 · Newbie

I could imagine how that would be extremely difficult to grow up in a household like that. Thanks so much for your feedback. I personally understand the mood swings and how manipulative alcoholics can be. Having to live in a home like that, how did you cope with your day to day life. What were your outlets or ways to "escape"? If it is too personal I totally understand.

Calm Lady · Senior Member

Became numb! Shutdown.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome We have an Adult Children Board here at MIP that might help
here is the web add. : acoa.activeboard.com/forum.spark

Good Luck

Dis-Ease91 · Newbie

I am sorry to hear you went through that. Much respect for coming out a stronger person and maintaining a positive attitude. Thanks again for your reply. God Bless.

MissM · Senior Member

Hi dis-ease.
I hope your journey takes you to a place where you can drop the dis and find yourself at ease.

I grew up in an alcoholic family. My father is a severe alcoholic and drug addict that I had to cut out of my life completely. I grew up to have my very own series of relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts, each scenario a little worse than the last. I have had my own colorful history with drinking and gambling and I can pretty much say that alcoholism and addiction have taken center stage throughout my life thus far. I'm trying to change the patterns of the past and raise my adolescent child alone and in a healthier way. So I can take a little from every column you describe, I believe.

I am an adult and I can make my own choices and I don't blame any person for my decisions or my lot in life but if I could go back and change just one thing, it would be the constant challenges to my perception I was presented with as a child. I was constantly told 'that didn't really happen", "Oh it wasn't that bad, you're being silly", "are you sure? I think you're exaggerating/imagining things" etc. Typical rationalsation that happens to cover up the damage done I guess.
I would identify that as the single most damaging thing to my ability to function as an adult because i learned from a very early age that my perception of things could't be trusted and that if I was upset, angry or scared, it was because I was 'being silly", "being dramatic" etc. So as a adult I tolerated abuse and forced myself to endure awful circumstances because I just didn't have any faith in my own ability to judge the safety or appropriateness of what was going on around me. If something felt bad, it was probably my fault.
I'm now 40 and only just learning how to have boundaries and trust myself when I see red flags or feel that things aren't 'right".
Now I have my own battle on my hands trying to raise a teenager who has already grown up in the crap that comes with these dysfunctional family dynamics but if there's one thing i believe i am doing right it is not questioning her perceptions or trying to undermine her ability to judge what as happened even if I think it will make me "look bad' or cause difficulties for me or anyone else in my family. I think that guiding her to trust what she sees and feels without looking for validation is one of the most crucial things that i can do for her to help her break out of the generations-long cycle she has been born into.

I hope that makes sense ad is of some help, and good on you for looking for perspectives and wanting to give your children something better. There are hundreds of pages of stories here that you can read that might give you some insight and as betty suggested, there is also an acoa board. i wish you the best.

-- Edited by MissM on Thursday 27th of October 2016 03:23:26 PM

Dis-Ease91 · Newbie

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. It makes total sense and helps me a lot. I like hearing things like this because it gives me hope for the children of our future. Having a mom actively engaging and protecting their child is something that is needed more. Rather than brushing things under the rug or like you said, rationalizing the things you've been through and continuing the pattern of abuse. I commend you and thank you for your feedback.

Fooled · Senior Member

Gosh where to start: Feeling second to alcohol through missed events. The shame of having to see your father like that. The shame of the secrets where were supposed to keep. Angry because of the instability. Angry because of the manipulations between the two parents. Dreading going to any event because it was you knew your dad was going to embarrass you Its wasn't pretty.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I was raised by 2 ACOAs - both of my grand-parents were alcoholic (they are gone now). Both were very controlling, very serious, had high expectations and passed that on to us. I am the youngest and the only girl. Basically, we were expected to act, speak, perform perfectly at all times. We had a perfect house, a perfect lawn, perfectly clean cars and were never allowed to discuss anything from the home outside the home. We attended private schools, grade of B was not good enough and if we fell out of line, we were beat.

My mother began daily drinking about 15 years ago....she's 82 years old now. My father has one drink only if he has any at all. 3 of 4 of us turned to substances to self-soothe and self-medicate. One of us found recovery, the other two are practicing self-control. We never talk about our upbringing and never will. We each had to heal or not as we see/saw fit.

I began my addiction career around 14. I left home at 17. I was never allowed back. My first 2 loves were drunks. The second one beat me so severely that I almost died. That did not deter me, my choices, my substance use/abuse and after extensive trouble with the law and a nudge from a judge, I found recovery at 25. I believed those in the rooms that told me to drink was to die as I'd come close already and I did not want to die. I didn't really want to live either but that sounded like the better choice.

I've been sober for 29 years. I have 2 boys who've never seen me drunk/under the influence. I met and married another recovering alcoholic. He relapsed a long while ago, and never returned to recovery. He traveled extensively for his job so drank more away than home. He hid the relapse for a long while - I knew something was up but thought it was the stress of 2 small children.....wrong!!

Both my boys are now addicts. One is active; one is not but decided AA is not for him. We taught them about the disease, we showed them about the disease and they still were affected. They had the best of everything - education, counseling, sports, band, etc. yet still found the disease because it lays in wait.

Because of actively wanting a better life, I am the only one in my family in recovery. Because of recovery, I am the only one who has a relationship with the other 5 family members and extended family members. Because of my HP, I still get to grow and learn every day and am perfectly content to be LTP. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful but recovery is a journey that for me has been life-changing! I wouldn't change a thing and love my parents unconditionally. I know in my heart and soul that they have always done the best they knew and we have a great relationship because of the grace of forgiveness. This is a two-way street in my relationships!

Hopingforamiracle · Newbie

I posted my current situation under topic "prayers needed". I have dealt with my mother's alcoholism since 2. She is in my life but I keep my distance when she is drinking. I have a 4 year old and i cannot imagine putting him through this. I am 30 years old talking to my mother tonight like she is a child. That's what it feels like being an adult child of an alcoholic, taking care of an out of control teenager. It drains me to no end. I constantly worry and pray she hasn't drove drunk or hurt herself, as she constantly talks about dying when she is drunk. She stole my innocence as a child by subjecting me to her alcoholism. I never act resentful because she is so sensitive and I don't want to drive her to drink. But honestly my childhood was defined by her alcoholism and when I have issues with trust or anxiety, it always stems back to things I saw or went through as a child to now. She has told me I don't love you and I wish I never had you. Words that cannot be taken back, that she probably doesn't remember. I saved her life the day i took my SATs. We had a lunch date afterwards and I walked in to her asking me to buy her alcohol with her ID (mind you I was 17 and looked nothing like her license pic) and when I said no, she went into the garage chugged rubbing alcohol without me knowing. If I hadn't been there to call an ambulance once I figured it out, she would be dead. Needless to say, being an adult child of an alcoholic is tough and I urge anyone that has a drinking problem and children to get help immediately before it scars the child for life.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Denial in all its forms, sometimes silent, sometimes as justification, sometimes smothering affection. As a child, books were my escape. Selfishness always. Child and adult experiences of an alcoholic parent. No healthy boundaries or emotiojal

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Processing. Tiring.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

For me the consequence of recovery was choosing not to have a relationship with the one who raised me. I still love but can only do it from a distance. Good luck with your studies.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dis-ease, I can add to the list as well seems we all pretty much been through the same things growing up in an alcoholic home,my father was the a in my foo,we walked on eggshells for most part of our lives,along with the shame ,covering up for a messes he made,watching my mom day after day argue ins ,fights,etc...7 kids my parents had and we all dropped out of high school as soon as we could ,lots of stress.......thanks for posting this topic dis-ease,it's really made me stop and think,about a lot of things that I'd really kept in deniel ...........hope you get what your looking for,I'm sure you'll make a great counselor ........in recovery ..lu

Calm Lady · Senior Member

Giving thanks to Dis-ease, the OP, on this thread.

It has helped me a lot that you have the grace and willingness to face this.

My own A parents never did. Denied until they died. Or more accurately, I need to say their disease kept them in denial. They were both ACOA's too. The bundle has been passed down many generations.

I pray and work my program, that it stops at me.

As a side note, as shared above, I sought escape in books too.

sarahGee · Senior Member

I am an ACOA. I am 34 and early in my recovery, the alcoholic is still actively drinking. She has created a batch of 2nd gen addicts. I was lucky enough to avoid that, and I have my kids to thank for that.
I had my oldest son when I was 22. Having him kept me out of trouble. But yes, I was pregnant young and by someone I barely knew at the time.

I want to commend you on taking a look at this side of things. Your children will be better for it, and it says a lot about your commitment to your program and future sobriety. I wish you the best going forward.

For me, never having a soft spot to fall or a solid person to emulate/trust, turned me into a very hardened person. I was an out of control kid, highly emotional and very angry inside.
I sought validation anywhere I could get it. Even in my adult years - although I cleaned up my act - I still sought validation, only in friendlier forms. Something I'm working on right now.
Zero respect for myself or my body. I was taught that the best way to deal with our problems is to numb out with a substance and not feel things. We never processed anything properly. They could gossip and cut everyone else apart, but when it came to taking a look at ourselves, we never did that. I was en route to a life of alcoholism myself, luckily I stopped that before it was too late.
Not 'feeling things' always bubbled up eventually and I was full of explosive rage. Never learning how to process emotions properly, I dealt with virtually every problem I was handed in the worst way possible.
I sought out chaotic relationships, I felt in good company when I was surrounded by those who were unable to function in the same way that I was. I did myself no favors, or anyone around me.

That is a basic run down of what it's like. I lived in chaos, I never had healthy helpful guidance that would have set me up for success and stability and self esteem as I became an adult myself.
I am one of the lucky ones that found Al Anon. Many won't and they will continue the cycle.

Broken adults have broken children who grow into broken adults that make broken children........

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

sarahGee wrote:

Broken adults have broken children who grow into broken adults that make broken children........

Hurt people hurt people... until one day someone says: enough is enough, let it begin with me... and we decide to change...

...doing this in the company of others is a great privilege... a source of pride, and a source of healing... smile ...

Thanks Sarah... and Chris... aww ...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene