The material presented
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I can't get to a meeting today due to my work schedule, but man do I need one. I found out that one of my children committed a crime against someone in our community that I admire and respect. He used my car to commit the crime with his friends. I'm feeling devastated. The victim is willing to forgive him if he is willing to make restitution. My heart is so heavy today. My son also came clean about the frequency and amount of drugs and alcohol he has been consuming. Even he can't figure out how he is still alive. His friends have been rushed to the hospital on 1/2 of what he's been taking. All of this is making me feel like curling up and bawling my eyes out. im not looking for sympathy or pity. We are all in the same boat. Just needed to unload this burden a bit to people who understand. If it gets out that my son committed this crime, I will be shunned from this community. I work in a town appointed position. Many things are at stake. I'm sad, scared, lonely, and angry, but mostly sad.
((Themoon)) I am so sorry to hear this and am sending prayers and positive thoughts on the way.
Remember the serenity prayer and do not project into the future .
(Hugs) to you,I also am a mother with a child who has in made bad life style choices,and understand your sadness,stay strong remember you didn't cause any of this X
Hugs to you. I know how upsetting this can be. My AD also stole from people we knew when she was active. I felt devastated/humiliated and responsible at the time and so worried that it would get out in the small community where I too held a position. She was let off and we paid the restitution. Looking back I regret doing that , but at the time I had no idea how truly bad things were about to get. Perhaps that was the beginning of her hp beginning to give her little taps on the shoulder to change her behaviour. I thought it was just a stupid bad teenage decision and did not know the extent of her substance abuse. She was able to still hide it very well back then. When you know better you do better. At that time without any al anon program I felt very responsible even though I had done nothing wrong. Today I accept that I did not cause, cannot control or cure it which has given me the ability to let it go. It has taken a good while for that to happen though. For today I choose to live in the moment and be open to the possibilities and joys that this day can bring despite any difficulties swirling around me.
(((dear friend))) do not lose faith. This is not a reflection of you, nor is it a reflection of who your son really is (((God's child))) this is a reflection of addition.
when I felt such devastation, I was told my program was being challenged, times where "the rubber meets the road"... and I had to deploy every recovery solution I knew. I did lay on the floor crying, that's okay. But I also got myself out with Nature because they kept telling me to "get with God" and this was the only way I knew how. To me, Nature is God's soothing medicine.
Please remind yourself that you (and your son) can never fall out of God's everlasting arms, be sure of that.
(I've often imagined myself crawling under His wing for protection...)
(((Hugs))) to you - I understand all to well the shame and guilt and embarrassment that comes with the decisions and actions of our offspring. What I had to be taught in recovery is while a few folks might actually blame a parent for the actions of their children, most do not. Sane, logical people truly understand that we teach them as best we can, we lay down a foundation of right/wrong but at the end of the day, they are their own person's with their own free will of choice.
Please be gentle with you and stay present in the moment. I had to increase my meetings and all aspects of my program to separate me from them - their actions, etc. It does hurt deep down inside to watch one you love so much go down this path, but remember there is always hope for a better tomorrow.
Keep coming back - we're with you as best we can be and you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone. I haven't breathed a word out loud. I tested the water with one of my bffs, using another child from our town that was arrested recently. I told my friend that I felt terrible for the mother. She's been through so much, losing one of her children to an overdose a couple of years ago and now her son has been charged with attempted murder @ just 16 years old. My bff quickly shot back "Well she never spent any time with him!" So I guess I will keep my current situation to myself, IRL.
(((Hugs))) - I had to find 'new people' in my new way of life. I can honestly share I was one who viewed out-of-control-teens as a by-product of their parents and/or home environment. My own personal experience and acceptance of powerlessness gave me a new belief. We live in a world where most people are focused on placing blame instead of resolving issues. I now know better and look for the lesson in every event of my day - the good and the could have been better!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In my experience anyone who has not been affected by the disease of addiction by a loved one and in my situation a child, or has not had some of their own significant life challenges to deal with yet simply do not have what I need which is understanding and compassion, not shame and blame. I have learned to quit going to those people, nor talking about anything to do with my AD with them. Though some may be well intentioned, it is different when you are parenting an addicted child, what works for so called "normal children does not work for them in my experience. More importantly , I now choose to leave her life and any drama and happenings up to her to tell others if she chooses. It simply is not my business. I struggled with that initially, but it did get easier as she passed that ripe age of 18 and I could view her more as an adult. I have done my job to the best of my ability and I now put a lot more of my faith into my higher power and recognize that she has her own hp and that is not me! One slogan that I always find helpful is what others think about me is none of my business. I have no control over it anyways so it was a complete waste of my energy and time to focus on it. As I have let my guard down and stepped back into acceptance, the right people have been placed in my life whom I can lean into when I need to.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 27th of October 2016 02:36:30 PM
Thank you Iamhere and serenity47. So what's the most appropriate response when everyone knows your kid is reeeeally messed up and they ask with hope and a little pity "How's he doing?" These are not people I want knowing all if his business, but hey, I'm not in denial either. So far I just say "he's ok, hanging in there." And do my best to change the subject and not tear up til they walk away. It's so difficult when everyone knows the truth and that there's no hope in the very near future of improvement. I used to love small town life. Now I dread leaving the house.
I am quite certain that Betty has much more grace than I do! I too have suggested I do not want to talk about it. I've left out the I'm sorry and it's too painful. There are those who ask with good intentions and there are those who ask because they dwell on drama. My answers to anybody beyond our program is intended to shut them down as I no longer focus on my children - I focus on me.
I have been as blunt as, "None of your business." "Why don't you ask him." "Doing good today." "I don't know, haven't seen him in a while." All of these are conversation stoppers, and intended to be so. It took me a while to focus on me, detach from them and allow them to speak for themselves.
What I discovered is that many people quit asking about them when I quit talking about how bad my life sucked. In reality, there questions were to get an update on how I was doing. Because of my sharing, they were convinced I was disturbed because of my qualifier's actions. As I detached and stopped allowing the actions and words of others affect me, surprisingly enough, people asked about me and not them.
Small towns can be gossipy. So can work places. I made a conscious effort to divorce myself from gossip a long time ago. In recovery, I use the tools/program to do the same with drama/chaos. If I have a persistent person asking, I might even say, "He's in God's hands - I have faith all will be just fine." A mention of God often either turns folks off completely or solicits a willingness to pray for them. I'm all for either.
Be true to you and focus on you. As hard as it is, what they do is not about you. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I to will pray one day have the grace that Betty possesses. With my close friends I have been able to say exactly that..... I do not want to talk about her it is too upsetting and if they are a close friend they respect my words. However, some people are persistent...... and are associates, same situation, small town etc etc . I too have been blunt and if people continue to push beyond the customary she's ok then I have said you know you might want to ask her yourself. She has her life I have mine, or why were you wondering is another one. That is pretty effective in stopping any further prying. I avoid gossip like the plague, and I always make it clear that I am not interested at any level when coworkers or casual acquaintences start talking about others as well.
I can relate and I remember feeling the fear of this type of thing and the shame and then I got alanon and I learned to think differently. I learned my children are not extensions of myself, they are individuals with their own lessons and their own mistakes to make including the full consequences of these including any amends to be made to others. You didnt do anything wrong, nothing to apologise for or feel shame or embarrassment for. Its horrible to feel this way but I felt the best thing to do for me is to walk with my head high, go about my normal everyday life, it usually passes and people are busy getting on with their own lives to care or notice for too long.
I think its really important to allow the full consequences to belong to your son, all of it. I remember letting my sympathy and pity for my son get the better of me and I went into help mode. I learned this was taking on his responsibilities and was enabling him and his problems to grow and continue. Enabling is so damaging, it stunts growth so you end up having an adult baby on your hands, not good for anyone. Best of luck.
