why NOT me? - Al-Anon Family Group

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

why NOT me?

Tammy · Senior Member

I am so sorry that you are going thru such pain.. Addiction is HORRIBLE .. I am glad that you are at peace with your decision.. Talking with your children ?? That stinks.. My only suggestion, be honest.. Let them know that their father has a disease.. It has a terrible hold on him and that there is nothing that you or anyone else can do to make him better. Explain, that their Father loves them just like before but the disease has taken him and the seperation is what you and their kids need right now..

I would also recommend counseling, for the kids and together with the kids.. They are going to need it and so will you..

Good Luck, keep you chin up.. !! Keep loving your kids :)

Tammy

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Can't say much to help you, but I have been there.

My husband's crack addiction got out of control when he started to use daily in order to keep his drinking under control. (yeah, I know, but that's how an addict thinks) He was a monster when he got really drunk, but when doing crack he was just sad - drifting further and further from reality, and from us. Just a sad, gentle man, leaving this earth. And, incidentally, spending every cent we had.
He's been clean and sober three years, so there is hope, sometimes.

For the kids, I would tell them in the same way you tell them about sex - just as much as they can understand, but what you say should be the truth. "Daddy loves you but he's sick" There's nothing wrong with saying "I don't know" when they ask if and when he will be back.

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

It was so important for me not to make my children's father out to be something awful. I knew they were hurting already. What was the use in piling on more pain, whether it was the truth or not. My A left and told our kids he'd be gone about a week, his words to them "about as long as I'm gone on my fishing trips." July will be two years. They were 6 & 8.

Be honest about his behaviors, explain to them that an addiction does not have to do with the amount of love their dad has to give (ie., if he loved me he'd ...) That he loves them the best that he can at this moment (even if he's not calling). Talk with the older ones about acceptable and unacceptable behavior. My kids really took to that well because they could see it in some of their own relationships with friends, it wasn't hard for them to understand the same type of things go on between adults.

Kids see so much more than we give them credit for. They understand too. If you open up communication with your children about their father so that they don't feel like it is wrong to "talk about dad" like that, you'll probably learn a lot. I did. For my kids, it allowed them to vent some of their pain and many of their dissappointments. I cried with them. Talk to them about gratitude. Encourage them to work gratitude lists when all they see is sadness. With the little ones, do the A-B-C list. (what are you grateful for that starts with A, then B ect.) We'd do this at bed time since that was their hardest times missing their dad. It really helped.

I have to say that I am one of the people who has said, it wasn't that much different when he was here. Only now we have more consistant peace. But no matter what the situation the removal of a parent is huge to a child. I found it easier, and didn't truly see immediately the affects it had on the kids. They are now in counseling. I believe they thought eventually he'd come home.

This is such an emotional time, I'll be praying for you. There is always hope. We don't have a crystal ball, you never know what will be around that bend. It could be sobriety. You may feel like you are walking blind, but you have God/Hp, He'll lead you. Stay focused on you and the kids, if you have peace about this, you know that for this moment in time, what you are doing is the right thing.

(((((lots of hugs to you and your children))))))

John · ~*Service Worker*~

((((hugs)))))

I speak here, as a father and as a person who at one time had a crack pipe in his mouth for 8 years... and I also speak as a member of Al-Anon to other Al-Anon's.

Your words and his behavior are going to be more confusing to the kids than comforting. "He loves you" mixed with his unwillingness and/or inability to be present and available in their lives is a mixed message that no child should have to be subjected to. Words that don't have matching behaviors and attitudes send the message that "this is what love looks and feels like"... when it has nothing at all to do with love, not love of self or love of any one else.

The real truth is this... the father is a drug addict and until they get some help they are very selfish, self centered and don't grasp that while they are shooting themselves in the foot, their bullets are ricocetting and hitting those closest to them, that love them and care about them... and you know it hurts. In this regard you are validating their love for their father, not diminishing it. But it is NOT your job to validate his love for them. Let him be fully and solely responsible for that. In his own actions, attitudes and words.

Next, validate YOUR love for them and your comfort in being loved by them. This is a message of clarity, a group of words that are matched by your behavior and attitude towards them. This will bring them the comfort they need, from the person who is present and available in their lives.

Sounds harsh? It may. However, the truth with clarity is what they need, not a mixed, confusing message about love that they will grow up with, and take into their own adulthoods.

"Does he love us?" It's okay to say, "I need to let him speak for himself, all I know is that I love you with all my heart and one day maybe we'll all understand why he isn't here." Will he ever come home? They ask. "I'm not sure, he might, but then too we might not want a husband or father that does this to us cause it hurts so bad, so the decision isn't all his, its ours too should the time come to consider that, right?." (the "right?" at the end of this is very important) This empowers the whole family to know they are participating in the decision process should it prevail... its not just the alcoholics or addicts decision anymore.

My heart truly goes out to the families of alcoholics and addicts. This diease is more hurtful, confusing than any other diease, because it sets the stage of such a variety of mixed messages about love, parenthood, and family. If a parent is dying of the diease of cancer, they can match their words with behaviors and attitudes that a child never has to be confused about. This parent can still take a walk with their kids, put a puzzle together with their kids, etc. until the cancer detects otherwise, and even then they can lay in a bed and read the kids a story, or teach the children a bit about family history, etc. The diease of alcoholism and/or addiction leaves the family with words that don't make any sense in light of the behavior and attitudes. It entices others to speak on behalf of the alcoholic or addict, when its not their job or responsibility. Their job and responsibility is simply to make sure their own words are matched by their own behaviors and attitudes, which validates the childs desire to love and be loved in a healthy way by those who are actively participating in their lives.

Yours In the Spirit of Healing and Recovery,

John

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello serendipity,

You have great suggestions and support above. The one thing that hit my mind is all the television shows available to all ages of kids now a days. They learn things from shows, movies, videos, songs, either at home or at their friend's houses that we would be surprised to know or wish they didn't know. I would try to use any opportunity I could to talk about things when something would come up on television shows etc. Communication is so important between a parent and a child. My kids always hated the let's sit down and talk. That is why I would take times to talk about things I needed to teach them whenever the opportunity arose. I remember playing catch with my son when he was quite young and he asked me questions about the birds and bees. Gosh, the kids are now 21 and 24! Time flies so do the best you can while they are young. Just by posting here what you did shows that you are being the best mom you know how :) cdb xoxoxoxoxoxo

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

John, thank you for your input here. I needed to be reminded that I cannot speak for the A, I can only speak for myself.

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

My prayers are with you during this time of uncertainty. I will hold you close in my heart that you may find a loving and caring way to show the children, to let them know that you (and your spouse) love them no matter the situations that come about throughout their youth and adult lives. So Glad your Here! Yours in Alanon ((BigHug))

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello so sorry u are having to go thru this . Kids just want the truth not the nitty gritty stuff just and honest answer , our literature suggests that we tell them that daddy has a disease and it causes him to do silly things. we do have a book that would h elp your 11 yr old alot if u can still find a copy , they took it out of circulation awhile ago it is called WHATS DRUNK MAMA. explains alot and written for pre teens honest but respectful towards the adict alcoholc. Hope u can find a copy call the nearest literature depot and see if they have one or possible on line . good luck and take care of you Louise

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