Sarah, so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you found this group. I am new as well. Many here have accomplished great things and have a lot of experience to offer.
You are not alone.

Welcome Sarah to MIP - glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease that never gets cured. It's also classified as a family disease as it does exactly what you are experiencing - pulls in all others and affects them too. I am glad to see that you are seeking meeting support locally through Al-Anon. That is the recommended course of action for those who live or love with another who's drinking has affected their lives.

I found support, hope and help in Al-Anon. I went to as many meetings as I could and picked up literature and studied, studied and studied. I fully understand what you are feeling and you are not alone in that part - we've all been affected/damaged by the disease, that's our common bond.

I first learned to try and put me first. Sometimes, that just meant breathing, sitting, breathing and relaxing as best I could. I had to literally remove myself from the home at times to keep from reacting and/or loosing my mind. We try to focus on just one day at a time. I still live with my husband, he's one of my qualifiers. We have two children, boys, and they are both alcoholics/addicts. It's genetic and it's wicked to watch and live with. Only through Al-Anon did I find myself again and my own truth. I can detach while still in the home. I can love them and hate their disease, I can protect myself however necessary (financially, legally, etc.) - all of this resulting in working my own recovery.

You don't deserve this - none of us do. Al-Anon is a spiritual program where we heal and learn to deal one day at a time, trusting in a power greater than ourselves to get us to the next stage of life. Please keep coming back - we're usually just a post away!

THANK YOU!!! that made me cry, in a great way :) I don't want to live a life where I am constantly "protecting" myself though. Is that what I have to look forward to? I know people recover and stay clean for many many years and I believe my husband can do that....I just have to learn to work the program. Any advice on how to find a sponsor? I live in a very very small town and have not connected with anyone in the al-anon group enough to ask for sponsorship. I think using this site and being able to vent will help a great deal, not having anyone to talk to can break a person.

Sarah, I have felt the same drowning feeling. Welcome to the lifeboat. Talking with others saved my sanity. I wonder if there is a bigger city that you can get to for more meeting options? It's the same idea as, if we have a complex disease, we might have to travel to a big medical center to see specialists. Alanon has the specialists in our disease that comes from living with alcoholism, but the good news is we can get better. You could check out the online meetings here, as well as telephone meetings listed on the Alanon website. Today might feel awful, but there is hope.

 

We have often said in the program that it works when you work it and when I first heard that I knew they were not telling me that all I had to do was attend meetings and get the literature; they were telling me a whole lot more and I had to figure what that was out.  I time I came to the understanding that what I was going to have to do was duplicate what the old timers, those successful in attaining their peace of mind and serenity, we doing so I hung around with them and listened and asked questions and found a sponsor who I could rely on for guidance and help 24/7.  I found a Higher Power also; a Higher Power who existed and stood by me 24/7 and walked the steps.

Hang around here and listen and learn and practice practice, practice and you will not only learn to float you will find the shore and walk out of the waves.    Keep coming back this works when you work it.   (((((hugs)))))

Alanon suggests that we make no major changes in our life until we are in program for 6 months to a year. That is , unless you are in a situation of danger--The resaon for this is that by attending meetings and using new tools you will regain your ability to process information in a more constructive fashion and your self esteem will be restored.
Keep coming back it is all a process. Even if you would leave today you would still need support because you have residual effects of living with the disease.
Keep coming back.

Hi Sarah and welcome. I have come close to leaving my alcoholic spouse, but have not. Some days I am glad I stayed, some days I wish I would leave, and I am confident that, almost two years into my Alanon program, I am just not ready to make a decision yet, and that is a decision as well. From where I am, I can say, I felt the way you did two years ago, and I am glad that you are reaching out. Give it time, be patient with yourself, keep going to meetings, post here. Alanon works when I show up, and even if I don't get the answers I need when I want them, I know the answers I need when I need them.

Hello, Sarah, welcome. I can relate to the feelings you described in your first post: "my first encounter with alcoholism and what feels like my final straw. I am drowning in his disease, suffocating on trying to help... I am loosing myself and my sanity."

That sums up much of how I felt when I first found AlAnon, I was at the end of my physical and mental capacity to continue what I was doing. The only option I felt I had left was to physically leave the relationship, but I had a nagging feeling that there was a better way for me to address what I and my qualifier was going through.

I attended my first AlAnon meeting, got some literature and started reading. Attended more meetings, as many as I could fit in, and bought One Day at a Time in ALAnon, Courage to Change, Hope for Today, and Paths to Recovery (all Al-Anon Family Groups, AFG, publications) and started reading every day.

That was enough to introduce me to some concepts and tools that reduced my anxiety, frustration, anger and pain immensely. This allowed me to improve how I felt about things and the actual home environment, and ultimately make a much healthier decision about what was best for me and my qualifier.

So glad you are reaching out to the program, it is an incredible resource for recovery of sanity and guidance along a path of peaceful acceptance. As other's have noted, no one else is in the position to decide what is best for you, only you. AlAnon can help guide you to a place where that decision is clearer to see. Hang in there, keep coming back, thoughts are with you

Rinn, thank you for your words!! On most days I handle my stress very well, I work a lot and LOVE my career, I am a nurse so I am constantly helping others, and that is the best medicine most of the time :) I just have bad days that it all overwhelms me just like any ongoing situation in life. I am active in our church and I enjoy running and working out and watching sports with groups of friends (although that doesn't happen often). I am a hands on person so i'd rather go to the F2F but im learning that anything involving al-anon is helpful. The F2F meetings are wonderful and they do focus on ME, but you aren't able to discuss things that pertain to you and your current timeline, sometimes I just need to vent and ask someone who understands if im being crazy or if I have legit reasons for my emotions??? At this point, I turn to my God and al=anon to see me through. It's a tough battle to handle but I believe its my cross to bear...with God, all things are possible <3 As you can see, today is a much better day for me :) Thank you again for your kind words and inspiration!!! hugs to you (((hugs)))

Sarah_E_S wrote:

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I have reached out to different groups and people, almost everyone, literally, has summed it up with "just leave him, he will make you sick too". I don't believe that leaving is the answer for him or for me and I don't want to leave, but I am at the end of my sanity rope. I am a very strong person and have been through so much already in my life, but I have yet to get a grip on this alcoholism??? He is back in treatment again, which is another level of strain on us, this time is attitude is so negative, it makes me not want to even talk to him, but I like knowing what is progress is while he is there, ugh, such a viscous cycle! Here is the kicker, we aren't married yet, we were suppose to get married 2 years ago, but this disease has halted that many times. We have made a good life together, and when he is sober our life is GREAT, he just hasn't been able to continue staying sober. Thank you everyone for your support and kind words, they were both needed and much appreciated!!

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 I didn't finish reading your posts before I commented a few minutes ago.  I thought you were already married officially.  My wedding was put off due to his alcoholism as well.  Then he had a sober period where everything was great and we got married.  Shortly after that he had an injury and went on a 9 week binge!  I have often wished we had never gotten married to I would be able to leave with a lot less red tape.  But, I love him and when he is sober things are great.  I have really been trying to not let his drinking affect me but that is hard.  I, too, am a nurse and work a 40 hr week.  But we also own a business together so when he can't work due to drinking it is really hard financially. 

Bottom line......only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad and if you can put up with the bad times.  There is always hope that the alcoholic can stay sober but it is hard to stay positive when there is a relapse.

Sarah_E_S wrote:

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Everyone just keeps telling me to leave...like that is the ONLY answer?

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 In time, that might be the answer YOU choose. But for now, work on yourself and figure out why you are there in the first place.

 

hi, sarah - just reaching out to say i'm in a very similar boat.  i've had a couple failed attempts to find a sponsor but still would like to find someone that's a good match.  been going to meetings on and off for over a year but recently found out my partner has been lying about his drinking and never managed any recovery after two previous detoxes (which were quite hellish for me to live through as well).  our relationship has been SO good and strong in so many ways, except for his ongoing emotional struggles and addiction.  i have been way understanding and supportive (confusing... big problem there?!).  i feel like i'm now getting to MY bottom in a different way so i'm hoping that will lead me somewhere i have to be... no idea what it looks like yet, don't know what's possible, and i've been putting him before myself for too long.  people keep telling me to leave, also, and i'm not ruling it out but i don't want to jump there, either.  he's not mean, he's just self-destructive and self-sabotaging, and he's been tanking his life... so there's that.  i hope it gets better and wishing you peace, J.