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I am new to Al Anon, so this is all very fresh for me. In my previous post I explain a little more about my family. My mother is an alcoholic and my brother is an addict. They have a very strange relationship. They can't stand each other, but are glued to each other, if that makes any sense?
Anyway, I was always very active on social media and have backed off recently. I would post something & my mom will spout off in the comments.
Just last week I posted my sons birth story for his birthday. It was for my son more than anything. I outlined the day, who was there etc. I mentioned that my brother was there, but I guess in my moms mind I should have written WAY more about my brother, and she spouted off these embarrassing comments underneath. I sent her a PM, said I knew it was late (in other words : guaranteed you're drunk right now) and could she please stop.
I try not to engage.
Anyway, today I signed on to FB and noticed that my mom and brother have joined forces, posting quotes about "strength" and "not taking s**t from anyone" - I know what they're doing & I won't participate.
I can disengage from their words, that is not the problem. It's that they're doing it with our family and friends as an audience.
I have kept their dirty little secret for years. No one knows what is going on in our family. So it's difficult to see my mom/brother work very hard to change my family and friends perception about me, and not want to speak up for myself.
I know I can't, it will just fuel the fire, but how do you let it go? What methods do you use to step away and let the smear campaign continue?
I can use my settings to make sure I don't see it, but in one way or another, it will get back to me. Through a friend or family member that will ask what is going on.
If I stay quiet, am I enabling? Do I tell people that I am setting boundaries due to addiction and my family doesn't like it?
What do you do?
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 14th of October 2016 06:12:22 PM
I have found that the best way for me to hold on to my own peace of mind is to not engage. Let them say what they want, don't react and respond. They will end up looking silly (by what they say or by hijacking your innocent post), and you get to keep your integrity intact! I have seen folks (like my dad) post in a way that doesn't allow comments, which I would like to figure out how to do. Also, I am friends on Facebook with my qualifiers, but I don't follow them. I don't want to see every off the wall thing they say on social media. Now and then I can check their page and see what shenanigans they are up to, if I care to.
I hope that helps a bit. I know how painful it is to deal with the craziness of others.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I've had some recent experience with people I know 'banding together" to post stuff on social media that I think is obviously directed towards me and meant to get a reaction. So I totally hear you. The thing is, unless they name me specifically, how would anyone else know it was meant towards me? Unless I take the bait, and jump in to defend myself. Then, I've actually accepted the "role" they've tried to assign me an then it's game on (which is not what I want).
There's this really awesome al-anon slogan that I love to pieces. It says, "I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to".
Just as Bethany notes, they will make themselves look quite silly carrying on like that with no context or response from you...let them hoist themselves by their own petards!
I've also had my mother spout off in comments on my facebook posts. You can select your target audience to exclude certain people (if it's facebook you are talking about), so they never see your post and don't feel the urge to make a nasty comment. You can also turn off posts by other people...but you know this already. As far as other people asking what is going on "with them" goes, "I have no idea, you'd have to ask them" works well. You're not obliged to discuss or analyse what other people might mean and it's absolutely OK to say so.
I don't mean to sound overly simplistic or dismissive because I know how upsetting this can be but it CAN be that simple if you make an agreement with yourself that you don't use social media to be upset, and you therefore will take steps to not view content that upsets you nor enter into discussions about other people's cryptic messages etc.
What others think of us is none of our business (is another great slogan).
Happy birthday to your son
-- Edited by MissM on Friday 14th of October 2016 11:35:05 AM
As far as other people asking what is going on "with them" goes, "I have no idea, you'd have to ask them" works well.
-- Edited by MissM on Friday 14th of October 2016 11:35:05 AM
I like that a lot. I don't have to answer for them.
I still have that knee jerk reaction to defend myself when it comes to people outside of our family.
Seeing my mom and brother behave this way is not shocking. I hate to admit that it still bothers me. It shouldn't, and I know better, but it does.
I have listened to my mom say horrible things about my brother. Just two weeks ago, I had to stop her from calling him to start a fight about the "reason" my dads blood pressure was high. I told her it wouldn't solve anything, she didn't know the whole story etc. Just leave it alone. I spent a good chunk of time calming her down, she wanted to scream at him, accuse him of stressing my dad too much etc.
And because I stood up for myself a few days ago and set firm boundaries with her, she now hates me and is aligning with my brother. Who I set boundaries with over a year ago. So now they're both on team "Sarah's an ass hole".
I see it for what it is, I can sift through the garbage and understand that she is sick and so is he. That is easy to let go of.
Your advice to just let them go off is spot on. I don't have to engage, or participate. That is what they want to happen. And you're right, in the end my integrity will be intact. I have to believe that the people who matter, will see it for what it is. Maybe my ego still needs a lot of work. I clearly care way too much what people think of me.
What has worked well for me is not getting involved with anything that is not directly my business. Any questions asked of me about others, I just refer them to asking the actual person, not me. This has protected me from all sorts of other peoples fusses.
Al-anon suggests to me that I mind my own business.
I would set my FB page so that they couldn't view it - then they wouldn't be able to comment on what I write and I wouldn't have to tell a little white lie when someone asks me "what is going on with them". but that is just me - you need to take what action or non-action brings you the most peace.
Mine is not set to public, I do have my mom as a "friend" though.
I don't post often, only things to do with my kids or to say happy birthday to a friend etc.
Even those posts can somehow trigger a fight. I've backed off of posting entirely for that reason.
I still see what my mom posts though & my brothers, grandmother/aunt/uncle/cousin/family friends comments. Then the conversation that follows.
Today she posted about how beaten down and unappreciated she is. And of course, everyone showed up to tell her how wonderful she is. And I know her very well, so I know that she's privately messaging anyone that commented, telling them how her horrible ungrateful daughter is hurting her...
The thing is, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
No one saw me the week before trying to talk her out of driving her car, and begging her to call me when she got in the door. Hoping she would get pulled over and lose her license. Struggling with the idea that I should call the police myself, because she could hurt an innocent person, but I couldn't do that to her because she is my mother. Sitting and waiting by the phone, sick and anxious wondering if she was "lucky" enough to get by, again.
No one knows any of that.
It is so simple, don't look at it. That is probably the same advice I would give.
So why do I still look!?!?!?
I'm only a few days into this and still have A LOT of unhealthy habits. One being that I do look. I let my curiosity get the best of me, and I look at what they're saying. I look to see who is joining the conversation.
Then I spin out, get upset and tell myself how dumb that was. That it's my own fault for looking, blah blah, beat myself up for hours... but I still do it from time to time?!?!
The program gave me the gift to use and ignore all tools in my life as they work for me. I have a FB account and those who know me well know I never go there unless necessary. I belong to multiple private groups there - recovery, softball teams, softball tournaments, high school friends, etc. I post there....beyond that, I wish others happy birthday and scroll....scroll.....scroll.
I will ignore many and I will like some. I love kid pics. and animal pics. I love positive posts about life/living. Beyond saying Happy Birthday and/or Happy Anniversary and/or Congratulations, I do not share. I asked my children when they were pre-teens how they felt about me posting photos and other about them. They were grateful I asked and said they would prefer I not.
I do not post about my children - that's gossip to me. I do not post about others - that's gossip to me. I have no need to post about 'me' to a grand audience as I stopped attention seeking before recovery. Facebook is designed to give people a false sense of popularity and is truly not good for the psyche. So - I do not care how many friends I have, I do not care what restaurants people are eating at, I do not care who is/is not in a relationship - I do my real 'friends' in real 'life'.
I too see what others post and get it - there are those who stir the pot or publicize their pity party and/or their grieving and/or their drama/chaos. Like all things in life, I can choose to ignore, react or respond. When I am having difficulties with my emotions or there is a relapse in my qualifiers, I tend to avoid facebook. In those moments, I am not in my right mind and try to compare my insides to other's outsides.
Everybody has something and some hide it better. So - social networking - all types are optional. They are what they are and I see no value for me beyond slight entertainment and private information sharing. My active son unfriended me so he could 'be who he needed to be'. That was a huge blessing for me as I no longer had to have his choices scrolling in my feed to like, ignore or other. My HP fixed it for me.
In Al-Anon, we truly do not give advice. We instead offer our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to allow you to see how we've gotten where we are. Nobody knows your story but you and nobody can decide the best course for you but you. Keep coming back - it works when you work it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mine is not set to public, I do have my mom as a "friend" though. I don't post often, only things to do with my kids or to say happy birthday to a friend etc. Even those posts can somehow trigger a fight. I've backed off of posting entirely for that reason.
I still see what my mom posts though & my brothers, grandmother/aunt/uncle/cousin/family friends comments. Then the conversation that follows.
Today she posted about how beaten down and unappreciated she is. And of course, everyone showed up to tell her how wonderful she is. And I know her very well, so I know that she's privately messaging anyone that commented, telling them how her horrible ungrateful daughter is hurting her...
The thing is, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one saw me the week before trying to talk her out of driving her car, and begging her to call me when she got in the door. Hoping she would get pulled over and lose her license. Struggling with the idea that I should call the police myself, because she could hurt an innocent person, but I couldn't do that to her because she is my mother. Sitting and waiting by the phone, sick and anxious wondering if she was "lucky" enough to get by, again.
No one knows any of that.
It is so simple, don't look at it. That is probably the same advice I would give.
So why do I still look!?!?!?
I'm only a few days into this and still have A LOT of unhealthy habits. One being that I do look. I let my curiosity get the best of me, and I look at what they're saying. I look to see who is joining the conversation. Then I spin out, get upset and tell myself how dumb that was. That it's my own fault for looking, blah blah, beat myself up for hours... but I still do it from time to time?!?!
As the non-approved Al-Anon saying goes "Curiosity kills the cat". LOL (Hope you got a laugh from that).
I completely understand that not wanting to look but the urge to look and know takes over. When my ex ABF broke up with me the anxiety and control my cell phone was causing on me and in my life by me feeling the urge to constantly look at it hoping for a text or phone call from him that never came was so powerful that I eventually got some very good advise from another poster on this board that I have become friends with. She suggested I get a new SIM card with a different number and put that in my phone and take out the old SIM card and put it away. That was the best course of action for me! The day I did that the anxiety and feeling of being controlled by a cell phone left my body. Some people might call that "running away from your problems" - whatever - it worked for me, it brought me peace and I can breathe again. My friends and family have my new number. Ex abf does not have the new number and he won't be getting it.
I'm pretty certain that you can choose who sees your FB posts in your friends list and who doesn't. Another friend of mine has two FB pages. One for friends and one for family. Once again just a suggestion to help you maybe get peace. As for checking their FB pages - that is just going to require pure willpower. And that isn't always easy to obtain during emotional times of our lives. As Al-Anon says "take what you want and leave the rest".
I have never had a FB account because I know that I have obsessiveness in terms of looking to see what other people are doing/saying. I also have people from my past that I don't want to connect with and would feel bad saying no to them if they requested to friend me. I used to have a Tumblr account with dog photos, but I was getting bombarded with likes and posts from my ex's ex/not-so-ex so I deleted the account. The triggering event for my breaking up with my ex was my own finding photos on his ex's instagram. I had a strong inclination to google my ex and people in his life and look at whatever they posted anywhere and try to read into it for I don't even know what that I was trying to find. I know that this is controlling and crazy behavior, and related to the strong desire to just know what is going on that many of us feel when dealing with an addict/alcoholic. Since seeing the unwelcome photos on instagram, I have blocked instagram and facebook from my computer and phone and put in some app that redirects to a page about trusting my HP. And I haven't googled anyone once since the break-up, because it's just done now.
I have never had a FB account because I know that I have obsessiveness in terms of looking to see what other people are doing/saying. I also have people from my past that I don't want to connect with and would feel bad saying no to them if they requested to friend me. I used to have a Tumblr account with dog photos, but I was getting bombarded with likes and posts from my ex's ex/not-so-ex so I deleted the account. The triggering event for my breaking up with my ex was my own finding photos on his ex's instagram. I had a strong inclination to google my ex and people in his life and look at whatever they posted anywhere and try to read into it for I don't even know what that I was trying to find. I know that this is controlling and crazy behavior, and related to the strong desire to just know what is going on that many of us feel when dealing with an addict/alcoholic. Since seeing the unwelcome photos on instagram, I have blocked instagram and facebook from my computer and phone and put in some app that redirects to a page about trusting my HP. And I haven't googled anyone once since the break-up, because it's just done now.
An app that redirects to a page focusing on one's HP?????!!!!!!! WOW!!!!! That is ingenious!!!!!!! What a great way for one last chance to maintain control and be granted peace from our HP!!!
Social media and alcoholism.... Ugh and hugs and so glad I'm a child of the 80s. I remember my double winning mother going through my diary and writing comments. I'm grateful beyond words she's not computer literate, as she's a letter writer from way back. My point is not to make you feel worse, but that I can well imagine and empathise with the claustrophobic feeling. Alcoholism has no concept of emotional boundaries, it rapes and violates them without conscience to preserve a state of denial on both sides of the fence. I congratulate you for having the courage to recognise what isn't healthy, commiserate with the addicted family dynamic and encourage you to grab every educational resource available through an alanon lens for your healing and growth. Rome wasn't built in a day; keep coming back. You and your babies are worth it. In support, Edna.
Alcoholism has no concept of emotional boundaries, it rapes and violates them without conscience to preserve a state of denial on both sides of the fence.
Thank you for sharing your esh. This phrase has helped me a lot. Join up the dots. I didn't have the right words to express it. Thank you for sharing yours.
Growing up in that environment, it is so hard to name realty. To be able to describe it.
I don't have anyone ranting on fb for the world to see, but instead posting 'subtle' messages just to hurt me. At first I was able to just laugh it off, but then it almost became an obsession for me to look at her posts.
I could not stop myself from looking, so I deactivated my fb account. I am on day 3. I felt more at peace from almost the minute I hit that deactivate button. Haven't missed it yet which is strange in itself as I used to check it constantly. I will take it day by day, but even a short time of lifting this additional anxiety trigger is helpful.
PrettyPink - I know many others who have also taken that route. I completely understand. I tend to just walk away as long as I want to when I feel a need to 'break' from social media. I will readily admit that the upcoming election has given me many opportunities to use my program tools and I can't wait for it to all be over! I have people I genuinely enjoy that are on either side and I tend to just keep scrolling.....
We have the choice to do whatever we need to give ourselves the best opportunity for peace of mind! Good on you for your choice!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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